Scraps of Magic

Another Day, Another Memory

2012-01-04T07:59:00.003-05:00

A year ago today, I was flying out to see Ylaria for one last magic Ylaria moment.

It's crazy how quickly time flies and how it seems to stand still all at once. Sometimes, I feel like I've just come back from a visit at the Ronald and on others it feels like a lifetime since I've hugged her.

Today, with Ylaria so much on my mind, I want to share a favorite photo. I think I love it so much because she's smiling (it almost looks like she and she's walking, and she's in NYC. Now, when I imagine Ylaria in Heaven, I see her full of this energy and excitement. Most likely chasing after my brother or getting into some kind of mischief. Every time I see this picture, I am happy because Ylaria is happy. Every time I see this photo, I feel like I am on my way to see her here in NYC. My Ylaria visits were my favorite time of day. I am deeply thankful for all of the magic moments and memories I have stored in my heart.

Here's wishing you a magical Wednesday.

Christmas

2011-12-23T08:24:00.002-05:00

I have already shared this picture here many times and this memory too. It was Christmas Eve 1994. My brother's last Christmas and the very best Christmas ever.

As I get ready for Christmas Eve 2011, I am holding my brother in my heart and the many memories he gave to me.

Merry Christmas!! I hope your holiday is full family, and food, and love, and laughter. And wine, of course.

Olivia

Time is flying by...

2011-12-14T09:28:00.002-05:00

I honestly have no idea where the time has gone lately. I feel like we're still in October and we're actually half way through December.

Things on my end have been really busy. (Thus the lack of updates.) I've been working a lot lately. Trying to improve volunteer programming and trying to establish stronger community partnerships at the GO Project. These things take time. It's an exciting challenge for me, and one that has definitely seen me grow, but a very time consuming one nonetheless.

I'll update more soon, I promise. I hope all is well with you!

~Olivia

My Magic Moment

2011-11-10T09:08:00.004-05:00

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you..."

~ Wicked "For Good"

Four years ago today, I met Ylaria.

Some time ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about the universe and the way things happen when you least expect them to and the magic that lies behind so many little moments. Like how you could be running late for a job interview and almost decide not to go at all but you manage to finally grab a cab and get there and two days later, you're hired. (This was basically the story my friend shared.) She asked me then if I had ever had a moment like that.

If I had to pick one magic moment, it would definitely be meeting Ylaria. To be honest, I never should have met her at all. It wasn't logical that our paths crossed. I count my blessings every time I think about how the stars lined up on November 10th, 2007. You never really do know when your life is going to change forever.

It started out as almost nothing really. I happened to see the link to Ylaria's caringbridge site some time in October and I read one of Belen's entries where she talked about being in NYC for treatment. I signed the guestbook and said to myself something like: "It would be amazing if we met. I would love to meet Ylaria." I remember looking up as I said this. Was I praying? Was I intentionally asking Manny for help with something that I reasonably understood could never happen? I have no idea. But beyond all logic, I am convinced he heard me.

A few days later, I signed up for my first Ronald McDonald House volunteer dinner with Project Sunshine. November 10th was a Saturday in 2007. I was finishing up a 6th day of work and I was absolutely exhausted. I had just started my new job 2 months ago and I had been working long hours. Once our Saturday programming started, I was working Monday-Saturday. I was tired. I almost went home. I could just go to next month's Project Sunshine dinner, I thought to myself. I convinced myself over and over that I didn't need to be there. Nobody would miss me if I didn't go. But this nagging voice in my head kept telling me to just go. It insisted. And so, I took the 6 train to 68th street and made my way to the Ronald McDonald House.

Once there, I helped prepare food. I chatted with the other volunteers. I helped get the craft table together. I stayed busy. I can't remember now if I thought about meeting Ylaria. This is NYC, after all, and even if you're in the same building with someone, the chances of running into anyone without actually planning it are so slim. Add to that the fact that we had never actually met and the chances decrease even more. For something like that, you'd need magic, pure magic. And on November 10th, 2007, magic is exactly what I got.

For reasons I can't even explain (because I have no real idea WHY I did it), as dinner was being served, I decided to walk around and speak to the families. I introduced myself and asked them their name. I told the families about the craft table and asked them how they were doing. Looking back, Gino must have gotten jipped. I don't remember the exact details, but I went up to him as he was carrying Ylaria in his arms and must have said the standard, "Hi, my name is Olivia. What's your name?" I remember him replying, "I am Gino and this is Ylaria." At which point I screamed (Yes. Screamed.) "THIS is YLARIA!?!?!?!?!". I am not sure I ever told him about the craft table, I was so excited. I honestly felt like I was meeting a movie star. It was amazing. The memory still makes me smile.

A few days later, Gino asked me if I would be willing to stay with Ylaria for 20 minutes so he could run some errands. Ylaria was quieter back then so I did most of the talking that day. We played cards (which basically consisted of her-- silently-- picking up the deck of cards and dumping them on the floor for me to pick up. What can I say? When you're 2, the little things can be so fun. And when you're OCD like me, cleaning is a real enjoyment.)

Ylaria was sizing me up, I am sure. But, she must have decided she'd keep me around because she let me visit her and would often tell me (NOT ask. Ylaria had real character. She informed you of what you would be doing. She never asked you.) that I would come back tomorrow. And I did. It was never an obligation or even something I did to just be a "good person". I adored Ylaria. From the very beginning. I cherished any moment I could spend with her. I still have my old yearly planners. From time to time, I flip through them to see the dates where I had "YLARIA" written down. If I am going to be completely honest, I have kept those planners for that one word alone. I am still trying to recall moments. Sometimes I just sit and think for a long time hoping a forgotten memory will be remembered.

I am not exactly sure when the Dora band aids came into the picture but it must have been within the first few visits. Ylaria loved Dora when she was 2 and when I saw those band aids in the store one day, and I just knew I had to get them for her. The band aids were a huge hit. She never really saved them for herself. Gino and Belen would try to tell her not to use them right away but once we were alone, she'd open up the box and start putting band aids all over my fingers and arms. Ylaria was incredibly precise in her placement. If she didn't like the way a certain band aid looked, she'd rip it off and place it somewhere else. I can't even count the number of times I left the RMH covered in band aids. I got a lot of stares on my way home but I never cared. Some people will never understand the magic in Dora band aids. To this day, I always make sure to have a box of Dora band aids on hand. I can't bring them to Ylaria anymore, but when I need one, I picture Ylaria with me and I put it on with her incredible precision. Ylaria taught me so much in our time together. She was one of my best teachers. How to properly put on a band aid is one lesson I will never forget. Wearing it makes her feel less far away.

I could go on and on and on about Ylaria. I could say over and over and over that I love her and I miss her but it never seems enough. Sometimes there really are no words. And there certainly aren't enough words for all of Ylaria's magic. Today, all I can really say is that I grateful. I am grateful and honored and humbled to have been Ylaria's friend. To have been her sidekick.

There are magic moments everywhere. Meeting Ylaria was mine.

Fooducate

2011-10-25T09:07:00.008-04:00

Yesterday, we took a family trip to the supermarket.

This sounds odd, I am sure, to hear that four 20+ years old people were excited and, I would go so far as to say-- thrilled-- about a trip to the supermarket, but it's true. It was great.

What brought on this new found energy for a trip to Key Food, you ask?

The "fooducate" iphone app. My sister (to remain nameless) discovered this fascinating tool yesterday and when she came home from work, eagerly introduced the rest of her "sorority" sisters to it. For those of you who don't know, the "fooducate' app, scans the bar-code of a food item and grades it based on its nutritional value. Grades range from A to D-. Despite our best efforts, we were unable to find a food with a grade of an F. And trust me, when I tell you we tried. Apparently even spam, cheeze-wiz, and twinkies have some kind of nutritional value-- grades ranging between C+ and D-, in case you were wondering.

After scanning nearly every food item in the refrigerator and pantry. (We even tried to scan the dish soap to see what would come up-- the app "could not identify" that one.), my mom announced that she needed to run to the supermarket to pick something up for dinner. The rest of us (again, nameless to save everyone's dignity except my own since I, apparently, could care less that I sound insane and am openly sharing this escapade here.) jumped on this news like it was a trip to see Santa Claus-- in the North Pole. We grabbed our coats, made sure we didn't forget the iphone, and made a list of all the items we wanted to scan. For reasons I can't seem to pin down, yogurt topped the list (peanut butter, spam, oatmeal, and pork rinds were also in the top 5).

I can safely say that I don't think I have ever had more fun food shopping than I did yesterday-- with the possible exception of one New Years Day when my mom and I went to Waldbaums for breakfast items on possibly no sleep at all. We scanned everything we purchased and even more that we had no intention of buying at all. The people around us must have thought we were out of our minds, especially when one of us in the group held up the all natural Greek yogurt and screamed (yes, screamed), "it's an A!"

If you have an iphone, you really need to download this app. If you are like me and do not have an iphone, never fear, you can access this online website for similar information, though your supermarket trips will be much less exciting than mine was yesterday.

And now, I am going to fill up my glass with some grade A water.

2011-10-18T10:46:00.007-04:00

I have been thinking about Manny a lot lately. I think it’s the weather. For many reasons, some of which I can’t even explain, the fall reminds me so much of my brother.

Manny was diagnosed with leukemia in early October 1993. I remember exactly what I was doing when I first heard the words “cancer” and “leukemia”. It was early in the morning and my sisters and I was getting ready for school. I was in the middle of tying my shoelaces when my mom said, “Manny has cancer. He’s in the hospital.” I would be lying if I said those were the exact words. I don’t remember what was said at all. I just remember sitting on my bedroom floor, carefully tying my shoes, and being completely unable to look at my mom as she spoke. The biggest shift in my life was so mundane. Shoelaces. Sometimes, when I am tying my shoelaces now, I still remember that moment and the quiet that filled my ears afterwards. Silence can be deafening like that.

It would be another lie if I said here that I understood the importance of what my mom said. I did not. In fact, up until the day he died, I never really believed Manny could die. Knowing a person can die and believing your brother could die are two very different things. When I was 10, I knew people died. I knew people with leukemia died. And despite this knowledge, I lived firmly in the belief that Manny could not die. This conviction was rooted in my complete inability to picture my life without my brother. If I could not picture my life without Manny in it, I reasoned that life could not exist. It was so simple.

There was only one time that this reasoning failed me. About a week before my brother died, for reasons I cannot remember (perhaps there was no reason at all), I imagined living without him. I understood, for an instant, that Manny could die. And it broke me. I cried hysterically for a long, long, long time. I begged God not to let it happen. I must have promised Him that I would be better, love more, give anything- just please don’t let Manny die. Please. I begged and promised and pleaded and cried until I couldn’t think of anything more to say. I suppose there was nothing left, really. When you’re 11, it’s hard to understand cancer. And it’s difficult to grasp death. And it’s unimaginable to realize fully that you might have to live a life without your brother.

In life, you have to learn that you can’t always get what you want. Even if what you want is full of good intentions and a lot of love. I learned the hard way. I learned that a life without Manny was possible. I am still living that life. It's not one that I would have chosen for myself. Or for Manny. But I have learned to make the most of it. I hope that I have made him proud. It's all I have left to give him now. My prayers did not save him. So now, I do my best to keep his memory alive. And share as much as I can. I say his name here and out loud so that I will remember and others will know that Manny was here. He is so missed. He is so loved.

This post has taken a detour. It was supposed to be about pumpkins. And art. And Manny. It was supposed to be a lot happier than this one sounds. This happens to me sometimes, I start writing and what I thought I would be writing about is not at all the end result. I have to run to a meeting now. The pumpkins and art will have to be for another day.

Some more thoughts on food

2011-10-12T09:24:00.002-04:00

I have been doing a lot of reading, research, and thinking about food lately. It's something that interests me-- as you can tell, no doubt, from some of my posts. I think it's important to have this reflection: on what I am eating, where it comes from, what it does to my body (& mind), and why I am eating it.

This morning, I came across an interesting website full of information that I thought I would share here. Dr. Andrew Weil is very well respected in the field. His website has his own recommended food pyramid (pictured here) and other food, exercise and health advise. It's definitely a resource I will be using regularly. As we get into the holiday season (yes, it's really almost here), it'll be especially important to remember.

Is there anything you found interesting or surprising? Have you made any lifestyle changes lately?

My Weekend

2011-10-11T08:24:00.002-04:00

I went wine-tasting with my family on Sunday.(It was a Martha Clara's-- pictured above. I highly recommend it!) It was a lot of fun. And I do mean A. LOT. Many of you reading this blog already know my family is awesome. It's true-- we are. Give us an adventure (like wine-tasting in Long Island) and we're really in our element. Everything from singing in the car, to conversations with the wine guy- Glen, to our many gift shop purchases, to our farm stand stops on the way home were extra special because we were together (and drinking wine, no doubt).

I was telling my coworkers about this planned excursion on Friday and many of them mentioned that they didn't think they could ever drink with their family. This comment is something I have heard before. And every time, I think it's strange. I mean, totally weird. Maybe it's because I come from a very traditional Spanish family and I grew up seeing my family members drink wine. (My father gave me a glass of red wine when I was 5 and told me it was fruit punch.) Drinking with my family is second nature. Almost like breathing. I don't think about it at all. In fact, I feel much more comfortable drinking with my family than with my friends. Having tapas and wine on Sunday afternoons is expected. Followed by a siesta, of course.

So, as I was saying, I went wine-tasting. I prefer white wine to red wine any day. (But I did appreciate the pairing of merlot and dark chocolate!) It's not that I don't like red wine. There was a time, in fact, where I preferred it to white. I am not entirely sure how it happened but at one point a few years ago, I switched my preference to white wine and have stayed in the white wine camp ever since. My favorite white wine is albarino. (A wine from the region of Spain my dad is from.) If you haven't tried an albarino yet, you need to.

We had a great time together. We enjoyed a delicious lunch of empanadillas, chorizo, cheese, bread, and tortilla prepared by my mother. On the way home, we stopped at some of the farm stands. With it being autumn, there was an abundance of apples. We also got some honey and, of course, cabbage. It was the perfect day, really, and we're already planning another trip back.

I hope you had a lovely, relaxing weekend. But mostly, I hope you're blessed enough to have a family as loving, and fun, and funny, and eccentric as mine.

Last night I had a dream

2011-10-06T09:04:00.002-04:00

I have been missing Ylaria a lot lately. She's been on my mind constantly. I remember her with Belen and share memories with Jennifer. I am grateful to those who let me say her name out loud. It's a great and necessary comfort.

When Ylaria first passed away, I kept having this dream where I would be looking for her endlessly until I would finally realize she was gone and then I would start to cry (in the dream). In the morning, I would wake up with tears in my eyes. Dreams can say so much sometimes. These dreams explained exactly how I felt. And, in a way, I still find myself doing this from time to time-- thinking Ylaria is somewhere else, or remembering her so clearly that she seems to be right in front of me-- until I remember she is gone and I have to find a quiet space to shed my tears.

I am not ashamed to admit I cry. Or to say here that I miss Ylaria so much sometimes I can't breathe. I lost my "little best friend" and my "little sister" (as I often called Ylaria) the day she flew away. There simply aren't words to explain the space Ylaria filled in my life and how much she meant-- and still means-- to me. I know she is still with me. But it's not the same. I grieve for my loss because it was a great one. Sadness isn't a "bad" thing. You miss someone because you love them. You mourn someone because your heart aches. You cry because you wake up to so many empty spaces. Empty spaces filled with beautiful memories, yes, but they are still empty of the physical being, the physical soul you long to hug, and to laugh with, and to share band aids with.To be with. Together.

More recently, I had begun to ask Ylaria for a sign. It had been some time since she had visited my dreams and I missed "seeing" her there. I was beginning to think it may not happen and then last night I had a dream. I don't remember the specifics, but I can tell you that in a series of dreams, people were trying to hurt me, and chase me, and scare me. And the whole time I knew I would be ok because Ylaria was keeping me safe.

I like to think that's how we work now. I was always her sidekick. Now Ylaria is doing her best to keep me out of trouble. It's a sign. I'll take it. And wait with hope and heart for the next one.

Sugar

2011-10-03T09:34:00.000-04:00

So last week I attempted to go processed food free. The week was not a success (so much harder than I anticipated!). There were some good days but definitely other not so good or totally bad days. Never fear, though! I am going to try again this week! I know it will be a success.

I lent my cousin my copy of Food Matters which, after she finished, led to some really great discussions. I've decided to start my Monday off with another food blog. The more I learn, the more I want to share. (My family has heard my endless rants on processed sugar.) As a complete sugar addict myself, I thought it would be good to start with some sugar facts. (They've certainly had me thinking and re-thinking how much sugar I eat!)

As one of my friends once told me, you only have one life and one body. It's important to know what you're putting in it.

Here are 50 reasons to stop (or reduce) your sugar intake:
(From, http://naturalhealthpractice.org/78_reasons_to_avoid_sugar.htm)

Sugar can suppress your immune system and impair your defenses against disease.
Sugar upsets the mineral relationships in your body: causes chromium and copper deficiencies and interferes with absorption of calcium and magnesium.
Sugar can cause can cause a rapid rise of adrenaline, hyperactivity, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and crankiness in children (and adults!)
Sugar can produce a significant rise in total cholesterol, triglycerides and bad cholesterol and a decrease in good cholesterol
Sugar causes a loss of tissue elasticity and function.
Sugar feeds cancer cells and has been connected with the development of cancer of the breast, ovaries, prostate, rectum, pancreas, biliary tract, lung, gallbladder and stomach.
Sugar can weaken eyesight.
Sugar can cause many problems with the gastrointestinal tract including: an acidic digestive tract, indigestion, malabsorption in patients with functional bowel disease, increased risk of Crohn's disease, and ulcerative colitis.
Sugar can cause premature aging.
Sugar can cause your saliva to become acidic, tooth decay, and periodontal disease.
Sugar contributes to obesity.
Sugar can cause autoimmune diseases such as: arthritis, asthma, multiple sclerosis.
Sugar greatly assists the uncontrolled growth of Candida Albicans (yeast infections)
Sugar can contribute to osteoporosis.
Sugar can cause a decrease in your insulin sensitivity thereby causing an abnormally high insulin levels and eventually diabetes.
Sugar can lower your Vitamin E levels.
Sugar can increase your systolic blood pressure.
Sugar can cause drowsiness and decreased activity in children (and adults)
Sugar can interfere with your absorption of protein.
Sugar causes food allergies.
Sugar can cause toxemia during pregnancy.
Sugar can contribute to eczema in children.
Sugar can cause atherosclerosis and cardiovascular disease.
Sugar can impair the structure of your DNA.
Sugar can change the structure of protein and cause a permanent alteration of the way the proteins act in your body.
Sugar can make your skin age by changing the structure of collagen.
Sugar can cause emphysema.
Sugar lowers the ability of enzymes to function.
Sugar can increase the size of your liver by making your liver cells divide and it can increase the amount of liver fat.
Sugar can increase kidney size and produce pathological changes in the kidney such as the formation of kidney stones.
Sugar can damage your pancreas
Sugar can increase your body's fluid retention
Sugar is enemy number 1 of your bowel movement.
Sugar can compromise the lining of your capillaries
Sugar can make your tendons more brittle.
Sugar can cause headaches, including migraines.
Sugar can cause an increase in delta, alpha, and theta brain waves which can alter your mind's ability to think clearly.
Sugar can cause depression.
Sugar can increase your risk of gout.
Sugar can increase your risk of Alzheimer's disease.
Sugar can cause hormonal imbalances such as: increasing oestrogen in men, exacerbating PMS, and decreasing growth hormone.
Diets high in sugar will increase free radicals and oxidative stress.
Sugar is an addictive substance.
Sugar can be intoxicating, similar to alcohol.
Decrease in sugar intake can increase emotional stability.
Your body changes sugar into 2 to 5 times more fat in the bloodstream than it does starch.
I.V.s (intravenous feedings) of sugar water can cut off oxygen to your brain.
In intensive care units: Limiting sugar saves lives
Sugar may induce cell death.
In juvenile rehabilitation camps, when children were put on a low sugar diet, there was a 44 percent drop in antisocial behavior.

October Memories

2011-10-01T13:56:00.000-04:00

I am glad that October is finally here. October is one of my favorite months. It's officially fall and very fall-like. I am sure that I have shared already that fall is my favorite season.

I love fall for many reasons. Fall reminds me of being in school-- and we all know I love school! I love the cool crisp air-- and it's awesome to run outside in that weather! The leaves start to change color. I love trees, most especially in the fall and I love hearing the crunch of the leaves as I walk. And for reasons, I have never been able to explain, fall reminds me most of my brother. Maybe it was because he was diagnosed around this time. I really have no idea why but there are days when I am walking outside, or putting on a sweatshirt to keep warm, or feeling the air all around me as I run and I just feel like Manny is right there with me. They are comforting and beautiful, these moments.Sixteen years is a long time to miss someone. I am grateful for all of the little moments that remind me of being with my brother, those unexpected instances when I can really, really feel him right beside me. It's a difficult feeling to explain, really, but I know there are those of you reading who understand.

Today, on the first Saturday in October, I woke up and I had another fall memory. One with Ylaria. On the first Saturday in October last year (exactly a year ago tomorrow), Belen and Ylaria were flying into NYC (getting a connecting flight to Vermont). My mom and I decided that rather than spend 3 hours waiting in the airport that we would pick them up at LaGuardia and hang out at the house before dropping them off again. It was another one of those days where I ran home from work and counted the hours until I would see them. As I was taking the train into this morning, I remembered this first October Saturday in 2010. Is it ok to admit that I wished I could rewind?

After picking them up from the airport, we went home and ate some food. I showed Ylaria my room and where I kept her pictures. I showed her the Dora band aid on the dresser and the Build-a-Bear I had made on the day we went to Build-a Bear together a few years earlier. I introduced Ylaria to my cat, Lucy. I think she really liked Lucy, And Lucy liked her. They followed each other around the house a lot.

After lunch, Ylaria and I baked cookies together. Well, to be honest, the dough was pre-made/store bought and I cut up the dough into circles. Ylaria did ALL of the decorating. (I have already told you, I was her sidekick. She ran the show. It's how we worked.) We only had Christmas sprinkles but Ylaria didn't seem to mind. By the time she was done decorating them, the cookies (and baking sheet) were COVERED in sprinkles. Absolutely covered. Simply put, it was an amazing piece of artwork. (As the pictures clearly demonstrate.)

Once the cookies were in the oven, Ylaria insisted on cleaning. In true Ylaria form, she made sure the counter-tops were absolutely spotless. Not one stray sprinkle was left.

I remembered these pictures today. I hadn't shared them before and I thought today would be the perfect day to post them. Looking at them now, I remember that day so clearly. I remember running into the terminal to look for Belen and Ylaria so excited that my stomach was full of butterflies. I remember how eagerly Ylaria followed Lucy around the house. She giggled and crawled around with her-- at one point, I thought Lucy thought Ylaria was another cat. I remember how intently Ylaria made sure the cookies had as many sprinkles as they could possibly hold. I remember how carefully she sponged everything down when she was done. I remember how sad I was when they left for their Vermont flight. I am a very selfish person and I was especially selfish with Ylaria. I always wanted more time. I still do.

Ylaria, as always, thank you for all of the memories. They-- you--continue to inspire me. Every single day.

A Letter from God

2011-09-28T23:42:00.002-04:00

I saw this on Facebook and just had to share it here. (This is not mine I am just re-posting.)

Our 14-year-olddog Abbey died last month. The day after she passed away my 4-year-old daughterMeredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked ifwe could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God wouldrecognize her. I told her that I thought we could so, and she dictated thesewords:

Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you inheaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dogeven though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to swim and play with balls. I amsending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog.I really miss her.
Love, Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith andaddressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredithpasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it wouldtake lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon shedropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she askedif God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porchaddressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside wasa book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front coverwas the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the oppositepage was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help and Irecognized her right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in yourheart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, Idon't have any pockets to keep your picture in so I am sending it back to youin this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you writeit and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked herespecially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love youvery much. By the way, I'm easy to find. I am wherever there is love.
Love, God

Some thoughts on food

2011-09-26T08:39:00.001-04:00

In my house lately, we've been talking a lot about food. (We love food). We have all of the regular food conversations like what's for dinner, and what we need to buy for the week, and how I cannot seem to let a day pass by without some (all natural) peanut butter (with chocolate, of course).

But, we've also been discussing other aspects of food and nutrition and health that are now becoming more newsworthy and more urgent. For example,

1. Some studies have suggested that if current eating trends don't change, three-fourths of adults in the United States will be overweight or obese by 2020.That's 8 years from now.

2. There are more obese people in the world now than hungry.

3. And a personal favorite of mine: the overabundance of processed versus whole foods (which is directly linked to points 1 and 2 mentioned above.)

Today, I woke up and as I was thinking about processed versus whole foods, I thought: wouldn't it be interesting to see if I could go one week (baby steps) without ANY processed foods? It would certainly be a challenge. Processed foods are everywhere and in almost everything. Living in NYC, and having a really long commute, it's easier and faster to simply grab a processed snack bar, pretzel or other such food than it is to sit down and eat a salad.

So, we'll see how this week goes without processed food (no white flour, sugar, or pre-packaged "foods".) I'll let you know how it goes!

Castle

2011-09-20T16:24:00.002-04:00

It's that time of the year again where all of those TV shows I absolutely love to watch come back for another season. In case you're interested, my current show addictions are (in order of importance):
1a. Bones
1b. Castle (Bones and Castle are tied depending on the episode)
2. NCIS
3. The Good Wife
4. Glee
5. Grey's Anatomy

I feel like I am forgetting one, but these are the ones I keep up with most.

Last night, Castle started. It was AMAZING. I mean...AMAZING. I can't get over it.

If you haven't watched it, you need to. It's just that good. I owe my own knowledge of this show to Christina who is actually the person responsible for getting me addicted to shows 1a, 1b, and 2. Yeah, we're best friends. (For this, and other reasons, I might add!) Today, I feel the need to share the (TV addiction) wealth.

I can't talk about what happened since there are those reading who haven't seen the episode yet but if you watch Castle, what did you think?

What shows (if any) do you watch?

Christi

2011-09-19T14:42:00.002-04:00

A little girl died. Five years ago today. Her name wasChristi. She was 9. Christi was diagnosed with neuroblastoma when she was fiveand bravely fought the disease for 4 years.

Christi was an exceptional soul. There is so much we couldall (still) learn from her.

Christi loved her family. Her mom, dad, and little sister were her favorite people in the entire world. Jennifer L, Traci W., were alsovery high on that list. Today, please keep them in your thoughts and yourprayers.

Christi loved to go to school. She had taught herself toread and could do simple multiplication by the time she was 4. She was beyondbrilliant. Today, when you pass aschool, see school supplies, or enter a bookstore, remember Christi and herlove of learning. If you can, donate school supplies to children less fortunatein Christi’s honor. She would love that.

Christi loved animals. She dreamed of being a vet when shewas older. When she was in Philadelphia for treatment, Christi loved to see theanimals that would come to the Ronald McDonald through the Vet’s Pet program. Ifyou happen to see an animal today (in particular a cat), remember Christi andher love of animals.

Christi loved helping others. She held numerous Alex’sLemonade Stands to raise money for childhood cancer. She would often bringgifts to the other children in the hospital, or read to a younger child as theywere waiting for treatment. The Christi Thomas Memorial Fund (http://www.christithomas.org) and KidsCancer Crusade (http://kidscancercrusade.org/)were two organizations established to honor Christi and to share her spiritwith others. Today, if you can, donate to a cause in Christi’s memory. Throughtheir work, we keep Christi’s spirit alive and her name resounding in theworld.

Christi is so loved and so missed. Today, as you hug your sister, call your mom, cuddle with your pet, read your favorite book, learn something new, help a stranger, or make a friend smile, remember Christi. She is alive in everyone and everything she loved.

Gratitude

2011-09-16T20:49:00.000-04:00

I wanted to post something simple today. And then I thought I would share some gratitudes. Because who doesn't love to share in thanksgivng?

1. I am grateful for my friends. For putting up with my rambling emails and for being "there" to listen & love me. You guys are awesome. K., thank you for all of the advice over the last few days. C., I just read your email-- and got teary-eyed too!

2. For my "sorority". You make coming home so much fun.

3. For making new plans & taking new chances. They may not lead where I expect but I am finally opening up to the unknown and discovering that I enjoy it.

4. For great books that make me laugh. Even on public transportation.

Did you know?

2011-09-15T09:28:00.001-04:00

Did you know …

In the U.S., childhood cancer is the number one disease killer of children, killing more children between the ages of one and 20 than asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis and AIDS COMBINED. It is the second leading cause of death during childhood, exceeded only by accidents.

Did you know …

Approximately 46 children are diagnosed with cancer every day.

Did you know …

Approximately 7children die from cancer every day.

Did you know …

Childhood cancer is not related to lifestyle choices as it is for many adult cancers, and there are no screening tests for most childhood cancers.

Did you know …

Most children cannot be treated at a local hospital, and families must face the disruption of moving for treatment at a regional cancer center.

Did you know …

Only $0.007 of American Cancer Society and only $0.02 of Leukemia & Lymphoma Society fundraising goes to childhood cancer research.

Did you know …

YOU can change these facts? YOU can help save a child's life.

YOU can contact your local congressperson to demand more funding specifically for childhood cancer research. For more information on how to do this, visit Hope Street Kids.

YOU can support Kids Cancer Crusade by donating to my upcoming Christi Thomas Memorial Run or by holding a fundraiser of your own. Kids Cancer Crusade was founded in 2006, inspired by Christi's caring and loving spirit. Christi was 9 when she lost her battle to neuroblastoma. Kids Cancer Crusade works tirelessly to keep her memory alive and to bring sunshine into the lives of other children with cancer and their families.

YOU can make Erin's Dream Lanyards which are sold to raise funds and awareness for the Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation. Erin lobbied congress for more funds for childhood cancer research because she was "tired of waiting" (as she poignantly told a representative). Erin loved making lanyards. She dreamed of a cure. Erin passed away in 2009 after a nearly 7 year fight. She was 11.

YOU can hold an Alex's Lemonade Stand, an organization started by Alex when she was 4 years old. She wanted to help her doctors raise money for a cure-- for her and for other children with cancer. Alex died 4 years later. Her incredible legacy lives on in ALS's work.

YOU can organize a bake sale for Cookies for Kids Cancer, an organization started by Liam's mom when he was first diagnosed with neuroblastoma. Appalled to learn that the main reason 25% of children with cancer die is due to lack of effective therapies-- there are simply no funds for them, she was determined to change that. Liam died in January at the age of 6.

You can find more information at Kids Cancer Fight.

Don't wait until it's your daughter or grandson or cousin or classmate. Do something today. The children are waiting.

Happy News

2011-09-12T15:21:00.001-04:00

My cousin wanted me to post something "happy" today. So here is some happy news...in case you're needing some.

1. According to the weather channel, it's going to be 66F on Friday. I can't wait. I love fall. It's my very favorite season. Bring on the warm apple cider.

2. Kids Cancer Crusade is making some hoodies! AMAZING!!! (I know). This is directly linked to my love of fall. My family will attest that if I could live in hoodies, i would. Apparently, they're not "professional", though.

3. I am (finally) buying Celia Rivenbark's new book (You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl) today. If she doesn't make you laugh, you don't have a sense of humor. I highly recommend ALL of her work.

4. The farmer's market is overflowing with absolutely delicious apples (and apple cider). Now that I can actually walk outside without feeling gross, it's a great morning stop.

5. And, last, but most certainly not least, my family is (allegedly) planning a trip to Niagara Falls. I can't say I'm excited though because we can't seem to find a date we're all free that doesn't land us at the end of November so we'll see. I'll keep you posted.

What's your news on this lovely Monday?

Today

2011-09-08T09:36:00.003-04:00

Today, thousands of children across NYC are going back to school. They will begin a year of learning about addition, and subtraction, and history, and science. Their days will be filled with assemblies, art projects and after school activities. They will meet new teachers and make more friends. They will grow, and dream, and get one year older.

Today, 46 children will be diagnosed with cancer. They will spend this year learning about chemo and IVs. They will learn to swallow pills and to be careful with germs. They will spend more time with their doctors and nurses than they will with their teachers and classmates. They will miss countless school days, class trips, and special school events. Their hospital room will be their classroom. They will grow wise beyond their years. They will become braver and stronger and more resilient than most of us could ever imagine. They will fight for their lives, and not for a spot on the soccer team.

Today, 7 children will die from cancer. They will miss a lifetime of learning and growing. They will miss a lifetime of waking up early and packing their book bags. They will miss a lifetime of making new friends and running out to recess. They will miss a lifetime filled with the dreams all children carry. Their families will miss their warm hugs, their contagious laughter, and all of the hope that their children brought with them the day they were born.

Today.

Are you aware? If not, it’s time to be. There is no more time to wait. Visit Kids Cancer Crusade, Erin's Dream Lanyards, Alex's Lemonade Stand, and the Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation (to name but a few organizations) to learn more about what you can do to brighten a sick child’s day, bring hope to a family in need, and change the facts of childhood cancer.

Don’t wait for it to be a child you know and love. Act now. Together, we can make a difference.

Today.

My Day in Dora Band Aids

2011-09-02T23:01:00.005-04:00

I have to start off this blog entry by acknowledging that the story I am about to relate is most likely going to make me sound completely insane.

I am ok with that. There are those who will understand. And, I am confident that Ylaria would approve, which is really all that matters.

Yesterday was, as you know (at the very least from my last blog entry), the start of Childhood Cancer Awareness month. I intended to mark the month with a platelet donation at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. My iron levels, on the other hand, had other ideas. My counts were way too low and I was (very kindly) rejected. I am fortifying myself on iron-rich foods for another attempt in a few weeks.

In addition to donating platelets, I had another mission in mind yesterday. For some time, Belen and I had been talking about walking around NYC together and leaving Dora band aids in Ylaria's favorite places. A tribute to Ylaria, if you will, a marker that would say, in its own small way: "Ylaria was here". I started yesterday.

I left the first band aid on the 6 train sign in the Union Square subway. (You can sort of see it in this picture.) It may seem strange since Ylaria and I were never there together, but this place is significant to me because it is the train I would take to go see Ylaria after work. I know it sounds strange, but every time I pass that sign, I remember running down the stairs to get the uptown 6 train to 68th Street (the stop closest to MSKCC and the RMH). I remember the excitement I would feel at getting to see Ylaria and her family and how incredibly impatient I could get over the 45 minute commute. I miss my trips on the 6 train.

After this little Ylaria stop, I walked over to my office building and placed another band aid on the step outside the main door. Why? Because it's where I was standing the first time Gino asked me to babysit Ylaria so that he could run some errands. "Would I mind coming for 20 minutes?", he asked. "Of course not!", I responded. I stayed for two hours. That was the first of countless visits. I wish I could make some more. (There is no photo of this band aid.)

My last band aid stop for the day was near the entrance for MSKCC (above). After I was denied my platelet donation, I walked outside and placed it very carefully on the sidewalk. Someone saw me snapping the picture and said: "Are you really taking a picture of a Dora band aid on the sidewalk." And I said. "Yes." (very definitively) and walked away. I am certain he thought I was insane. He doesn't understand the significance of Dora band aids.

After this picture, I did something I wasn't planning on doing at all. I walked into MSKCC. I can honestly say now that the need to walk in that building was my driving force at the time. When the security guard asked me where I was going, I told him I was going to peds on the 9th floor. He let me through. I walked into the gift shop and looked around. I saw things that I knew Ylaria would like. I saw chocolates that I remember sharing with Belen on one of my many visits there. Then, I got on the elevator and took it up to the 9th floor. I got out, stood in the hall for a moment, and then took the elevator down again. A nurse saw me then and said, "You just missed the elevator" (she did not see me get off initially.) I replied that I had missed my stop. The lump in my throat was too big to explain any more.

I am completely aware that in sharing the above, I sound completely insane. I can assure you, I am not. It's hard to explain. Impossible, actually. All I can say is that I wanted to do something to honor Ylaria yesterday. I wanted to spend some time reliving moments that I had shared with her. Some people feeling a need to remember a loved one might light candles. Others might choose to release balloons. I leave Dora band aids in places that most remind me of Ylaria. I smile every time I pass them now.

I did not raise any great degree of awareness on my venture . I'll be making more lanyards for Erin's Dream Lanyards and gold ribbons for Kids Cancer Crusade this weekend. But, yesterday, I needed to start my month with a tribute to one of my very best and most cherished friends: Ylaria, a soul who taught me so much about strength, and courage, and laughter, and love, and the pure magic of being alive.

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

2011-09-01T10:43:00.002-04:00

Today is the first day of September. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.

Do something this month...every single day to raise awareness for this important cause. Working together we can make sure that a cure is found. The suffering of children and their families can stop. I truly believe this.

Too many children have lost their battles: Manny, Ylaria, Christi, Erin, Kayla, Liam, Sydney, Alex, Mary, Matty, Tyler...the list is endless.

Too many are still fighting: Elizabeth, Codey, Spencer, Emily, Maddux, Nathan, Joshua, Dominique....another endless list.

And many more will be diagnosed. Today. And tomorrow and all month long.

There is simply no more time to wait.

Together, we can make a change. Let's start. Now.

Today, I am going to donate some platelets at MSKCC. What are you going to do?

http://www.kidscancerfight.org/index.php

An update

2011-08-20T18:06:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I have posted. And, I thought I would give a very brief update on my life. So here we go...

1. I am back in full run training now. My Christi run is scheduled for September 25th. (I am raising money for one of my favorite organizations. Ever: Kids Cancer Crusade. Any donations would be greatly appreciated! This is the only race in NYC that fit into my schedule for the fall. It's meant to be a marathon training for NYC marathon runners and is 18 miles long. I will NOT be running that distance. I'm aiming for 7-8 miles and will be using it as a good gauge for the half-marathon I am going to be running in Disneyland in January with some amazing friends of mine. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for this Disneyland run. Seeing my friends is the highlight, though I have to admit that the prospect of running in a pink and yellow tutu is also up there on the list of reasons this is going to be one amazing adventure.

2. Did I tell you my family got a dog? His name is Charlie and he is a riot. Training is....going. Being a Nunez family dog, he understands Spanish (quite possibly more than English). He mostly understands "sientate" (sit). We're trying to work on "salta" (jump) but it's a slow process. He loves sardines which I fully appreciate. He also loves tortilla chips and, for some reason, when he sees me eating them, he automatically assumes he can jump up and grab it from my hand. It's funny...except for that one time he managed to get into a bag (LITERALLY) and eat a ton. My snack was gone before I could even enjoy it.

3. As you may know from previous posts, I went on 30-day sugar free challenge. It was a really great experience. So much so that I am adopting it into my lifestyle permanently. This does NOT mean I won't be eating sweets. It just means that they will be naturally sweetened and processed sugar will be enjoyed sparingly, if at all. I am making a few other health changes these days which I will go into on another day.

4. I am looking forward to the fall. Really, really, really looking forward to the fall. I do not like the summer. It's too hot and way too humid and in NYC, that just means it is really gross. Fall is my favorite season. (October possibly being my favorite month). I love the crisp air and the way the leaves change color. I love the sound of the leaves crunching under my feet when I run and walk. In my opinion, there is no better time to run outside than in the fall. I am counting down the days to running outside with no heat or really disgusting humidity. I am already looking forward to buying crisp apples and delicious (sugar-free) apple cider at the farmer's market near my work. Fall also means I get to wear sweatshirts and go apple-picking and eat sweet potatoes or my favorite black bean and avocado soup. Fall also means I can enjoy my favorite bedtime tea and I can bake without feeling like my kitchen is the oven. This list could go on, but I will stop now.

5. I have started watching the show Bones thanks to my amazing friend, C. who sent me seasons 1-3 for my birthday. I was resistant to watching it at first, I'll be honest, but boy did I get hooked! (I apparently really love crime shows.)

I hope you're all doing well. More soon!

Olivia

Happy Birthday, Manny

2011-08-01T22:25:00.003-04:00

Today is Manny’s birthday. He would have been 31.

I love birthdays. If you know me, you know this: I absolutely love birthdays. (Especially when it’s my own!), but I think birthdays, in general, are pretty awesome. Sixteen years ago I realized just how very precious they are. You’re never promised a new day, yet alone a whole new year. When a birthday rolls around, you have to honor it. You have to celebrate your day and all of the hope that your new year offers. If not for yourself, than at the very least for all of those souls (& their loved ones) who wish they could blow out their own candles just one more time. Birthdays are a blessing, a gift that the Universe bestows on only some. They deserve to be cherished and filled with as much love, chocolate laughter, silliness, gratitude, and life we can muster.

I woke up today thinking about Manny. And about birthdays. I remembered just how much I love celebrating Manny’s birthday with him. I loved baking his cake— chocolate with vanilla frosting…and as many sprinkles as the cake could hold. I loved selecting his birthday card (A task I always take seriously. The card is my favorite part of any gift. A great card says as much of love and thanks and friendship as you can put into words. Selecting the right card is essential. Finding the right words even more so. ) I loved spending the day with Manny. I loved celebrating him, and seeing him smile, and hearing him laugh. It’s been a very long time since I have been able to do any of this; I remembered it all today. Not in a sad way that makes me think of what I have lost, but in that gentle way that makes me smile and realize the great gift I had in my life for 11 years: Manny.

I spent some time thinking of ways I could appropriately honor him. I may have even sent up a little prayer asking him what he thought would suffice. Manny answered. Of this I am completely sure because out of nowhere, I heard his voice: Just have fun! Do what makes you happy. Spend time with people you love. Just like that, my big brother sent me his birthday message.

His birthday now, is not only a day on which I can remember him and our many moments together, but a day on which I can honor Life and chose to live it. Completely. And I did. I ran really great Christi run. I read an amazing book that I simply can’t put down (April 1865). I shared cookies I’d baked with friends (peanut butter and chocolate—yum!). I asked Ylaria to give him a big hug for me. I laughed a lot and hugged friends too. I noticed the sky. I called abuela just to say “Hi” and “I love you.” I went out to dinner with my sisters. We didn’t talk about it really, but we all knew why we’d made a special effort to be together tonight. And, on the way home, we played Bon Jovi and sang “Livin on a Prayer” at the top of our lungs. Manny was there for all of it.

Happy Birthday, Manny. We love you.

Life's Little Instructions

2011-07-26T21:20:00.003-04:00

(Click on the image to make it bigger)
I saw this the other day and I thought, what else would I add?

Here are some:

* Sit in silence at least once a day.

* "Be" in every moment.

* Read books.

* Practice the art of reverence.

* Exercise.

* Laugh. A lot.

* Send Christmas cards (in the mail).

* Send handwritten letters (in the mail) just because.

* Walk barefoot in the grass.

* Look at the sky.

* Give hugs.

* Know it's ok to cry.

* Push yourself out of your comfort zone.

* Learn constantly.

* Don't lie.

* Be open to hearing other point(s) of view.

* Donate blood/platelets.

* Walk in the rain, and in the snow, and in the sun. Walk. A lot.

* Eat vegetables.

* Be grateful.

* Remember those that have gone before you. Don't forget the living.

* Sing out LOUD.

What else would you add?

It's that most wonderful time of the year!

2011-07-23T21:29:00.006-04:00

It’s that most wonderful time of the year again! The time where I get to tell you that I am preparing for this year’s Christi Thomas Memorial Run for Kids Cancer Crusade. This year the race will take place on Sunday, September 25^th.

2011 marks the 5^th year I’ll be running in Christi’s memory. Five years. Five years is a very long time. And while I wish I didn’t have a reason to run every year, while I wish Christi could share her own story with you, in the absence of that possibility, I am here to once again, share with you the brilliant wonder that is my dear friend, Christi Thomas.

I was amazed by Christi from the moment I met her. She was 5 years old at the time and unbelievably brave, as all children grow to be when faced with cancer. Despite her young age, Christi was incredibly wise and completely selfless. She took care of the other children in the hospital and was often more concerned about their pain than her own. She always visited her friends and brought them gifts when she went in for treatment. Her love and kindness brought them much needed smiles. Christi was a ray of sunshine in the pediatric cancer wing. From the beginning, Christi inspired me to be a better person—to give more, to love more, to laugh more, to believe more. She still does.

I adored Christi’s love of books and learning. I remember thinking it was amazing that there was someone else out there that loved learning as much as I did. (Even though, Christi was much, much smarter!) Christi is with me every time I enter a library and every time I miss my stop on the bus because I am so engrossed in my book. (This happens more than I care to admit. It seems I have a problem.)

Most especially, Christi is with me on my morning “Christi run”. Some of you have asked me what a “Christi run” is. Simply, it’s how I refer to my 4:30am run. I used to just do a plain old run in the morning until I realized it was much more fun to picture Christi running beside me. At 4:30am, I need some motivation and inspiration to get up when my alarm goes off. Saying, “I need to get up for my Christi run” provides just that! And then, once a year, I participate in a race in Christi’s memory to raise money for Kids Cancer Crusade. And, perhaps most importantly, to have another moment to share Christi with you. Christi deserves to be remembered and this world still needs her wonder shared among us.

Thank you for all of your support and love and kindness over the years. If you could donate again this year, it would be appreciated. Together, we’ll keep Christi’s legacy alive and support the great work of Kids Cancer Crusade. Thank you!

To donate: http://active.com/donate/christirun2011

To learn more about KCC: http://kidscancercrusade.org/

I love you!
Olivia

An update

2011-07-15T23:05:00.003-04:00

I want to keep this short today.

In the last two days, I've faltered in my sugar-free challenge. But, I am not going to let this get me down. In fact, I learned some really great lessons:

1. I feel MUCH better physically when I eat natural foods. It sounds so simple, but I can tell you that it is much more challenging than it seems...sadly, natural food can be hard to come by. Especially when you're in a rush or working 12 hour days and not taking proper care of yourself.

2. I feel MUCH, MUCH better emotionally when I skip refined sugar all together. Even when I think I am going to enjoy the sweet, I don't. Sugar really messes with my head. Who knows if this will ever change, but the way I feel almost immediately after eating refined sugar simply doesn't make it worth it.

3. I really can do anything I set my mind to. Getting up after a fall is the first step. And one I know well. Tomorrow, I'll be back on track.

30 Day Challenges

2011-07-03T20:45:00.001-04:00

I actually got this link from my friend, Vickie. I think it sums up well my reasons for the 30 Day No Sugar Challenge.http://www.ted.com/talks/matt_cutts_try_something_new_for_30_days.html

(Let's just hope that my day 31 is not quite like his!)

For a brief update on my no sugar progress-- it's been over a week now and I am doing well. I, once again, turned down some delicious sweets at a family function and didn't feel bad about it at all! I have to admit that yesterday I had a huge craving for some peanut butter and chocolate but I resisted. I will have all natural sweets again at some point-- things baked with honey, fruit, etc-- but not for now. I can honestly say that I don't really miss it at all. It actually feels great to think that I don't miss it and to know that I don't really need it like I was once convinced I did. I am proud of my progress. And, am considering other 30 day challenges in the future. (The photo a day sounds like fun!)

I will admit that did I have some ribs with BBQ sauce though. It may seem like nothing, but BBQ sauce has corn syrup in it (read SUGAR) so while I am doing well on the sweets front, I need to be more mindful about ingredients in ALL foods I eat. It's amazing how sugar is really in so many things!

If you are reading this-- what would your 30 day challenge look like?

More Gratitudes

2011-06-28T17:24:00.002-04:00

I have to make this update short because I am pressed for time but I was thinking today about my gratefuls and I thought I would share some here.

1. I am grateful for my family. The BBQ on Sunday was so much fun. I loved spending time with my cousins, aunts, uncles, sisters and parents. We talked and laughed a lot. We were together for the first time in a while (since Easter). The food was awesome as always. I did eat that sardine (yum!) I blogged about earlier and also had some tasty wine. Albarino is my favorite! I am already looking forward to the next Nunez family function!

2. I am grateful for my friends. I was finally able to (mostly) catch up on the emails that have been piling up in my inbox. As read each message, I was reminded of the amazing friends I have all over the USA and the world. Everyone should be so blessed.

3. I am grateful for my coworkers. They make working long hours and under tight deadlines more fun. Coming into work at 8:30am and leaving at 6pm is more bearable when you have so many good, intelligent and funny people surrounding you.

4. I am grateful for my new exercise routine. Working out in the morning and then again during my lunch hour (thanks to a reduced-price membership at Crunch) has really helped me keep body moving (it's hard to sit for so many hours straight!), my stress under control and slowly train for the half marathon in January.

5. I am grateful for my sugar-free challenge. It's helped me realize I really can do anything I set my mind to. I feel so much better (and it's only day #5) and I am learning one day at a time how to respond to feelings (sadness, stress, frustration, happiness, boredom) without reaching for chocolate.

6. I am grateful for beautiful summer skies and amazing summer sunsets. The beauty astounds and humbles me. Every. Single. Day.

Day #2: Sugar-Free Update

2011-06-25T21:28:00.002-04:00

Today was a good day! I ran 4 miles (on the treadmill). It was rough, I have sort of slipped up on the running as of late, and not running regularly really makes getting back in that routine challenging to say the least. I am looking forward to another run tomorrow. Weather permitting, I'll run outside. We'll see. I didn't have sugar today. Ate a peach for a sweet. It's only day #2, so I am not surprised that it's been relatively easy.

We have a family BBQ tomorrow! I am so excited. I love my family time and BBQs are awesome-- especially since I'll get to eat some tasty sardines, salad, and lots of other goodies. And I know we'll be laughing a ton throughout. Everyone should get to enjoy a Nunez family BBQ at least once. I am fortunate enough to get loads of them.

I hope you're having an amazing weekend!

Sugar-Free Update

2011-06-25T09:07:00.003-04:00

So, I didn't exactly start the sugar-free challenge until yesterday. (What can I say, it's harder than I thought it would be!) I am happy-- and proud-- to report that when I went out to dinner last night with my sister and cousins, I did NOT eat any dessert, which is quite something seeing as one of the desserts was a chocolate lava cake I really wanted to try.

I have been reading about others who have gone sugar-free and it's really helped. Here is a favorite blog of mine that has a lot of great information (and recipes!). http://myyearwithout.blogspot.com/

Today, I am going to go for a run. I signed up for a half-marathon in January (in Disneyland!), so I have to start working on my endurance. I am really excited for this run because a few of my Dartmouth and Belfast friends will be joining me so it'll be a reunion of sorts!

I hope you all have an amazing weekend!

The 30 Day Sugar-Free Challenge

2011-06-20T21:12:00.004-04:00

So every now and then I like to challenge myself. To push myself to be better, to be healthier, to explore new options. Today, is one of those days. Well, to be honest, it started last week. After my indulgent days in California, I wanted to get back on track so I cut out sweets for the week. And I was surprised with how easy it was.

I mean it wasn't a piece of cake (ha!) but it was definitely not as difficult as I thought it would be. I have always considered myself to be addicted to sugar, but I found the week without processed sugar was great. I felt better physically and emotionally. It's definitely a positive change.

I don't think this means I am going to give up processed sugar forever. At least, I am not ready to say that now, but the sugar-free week got me thinking: could I do this longer? And so, I am ready to say that for the next 30 days, I will be sugar-free. (This means, my only "sweets" will be fruit.)

I look forward to reporting on my progress and discoveries. If you're interested in joining me, let me know! These kinds of adventures are always more fun with a buddy! July 21 will be here before we know it.

California Trip & Memories

2011-06-12T18:00:00.006-04:00

In life, if you are really fortunate, you have family that become friends, and friends that become family. I count myself among the blessed. I live in a “sorority”, as I like to call home, with four of my best friends and I have friends that over time have become family.

This week, I got to spend time with my “California family”—Ylaria’s family. It was a wonderful, relaxing vacation, one which I sorely needed. I text Belen on a daily basis and we talk on the phone from time to time, remembering a beautiful Ylaria moment, laughing about something ridiculous and just catching up on life. But for some time now, I have really needed to give Belen a big, huge hug and have one of our amazing laughing fits together. I am happy to report that I did a lot of both this week. My abs got a great workout from the many times I was laughing so hard I literally couldn't breathe. We also made our token trip to the bookstore and read together. We ate a lot of tasty food-- always important, especially when one is on vacation and the calories don’t count!—In N Out Burger was awesome and the Basque restaurant was simply delicious. I think I might still be full from that meal! Our attempt to find the infamous Schwarzenegger house was another highlight; I am still amazed at the size of those houses. And, of course, our Ylaria time. Sitting on the grass, arranging her flowers, and remembering Ylaria together meant more than I could say.

It’s been difficult over these last few months for me to really talk about Ylaria. Not because I don’t want to or because it’s too painful, but because I am not sure it is entirely understood—my desire to talk about and remember her on a regular basis. My need to say her name. Even now, I feel that I am taking a big risk here, that there will be people who read these words and automatically assume I am sad or depressed. But, I can assure you that I am not. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I am sad in the moments when I feel that I cannot say her name or share her magic. Ylaria always made me happy, so incredibly happy (yes, Belen, even when she put me on a time-out.). Remembering her and sharing stories makes me happy. It’s been said that you only really lose those you love when you forget them. I firmly believe this. Talking about Ylaria and writing down my memories keep her alive and help her feel closer despite the distance. It’s actually impossible for me not to talk about Ylaria (as evidenced, no doubt, by the countless times I refer to her in my writing). She is so much a part of me that I see pieces of her everywhere I go. Ylaria is everywhere. And so, in closing, I am going to share another memory. A special one because it’s one I haven’t shared in its entirety before. It’s the story of how we met and all the magic that went along with it…

I have been asked a number of times how I met Ylaria. As Belen has said, the way we met was rather strange but the fact that we met was simply meant to be.

I found Ylaria’s caringbride page through another website some time in October 2007. I read the update and signed the guestbook. This sounds so simple, I know, but here is the part of the story, I have never told anyone and the piece of the puzzle that proves our meeting was planned well in advance of its actual occurrence. As I was leaving my message, I remember thinking to myself something like: “They’ll be in NYC, hopefully we’ll meet.” Now, I have lived in New York my entire life. I know the likelihood of meeting anyone without actually scheduling it in is close to impossible. I know this and I knew it on that October night too. I wasn’t even a volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House at that point either. Looking back now, I think my brother heard my words.

Days passed, and I signed up for my first ever volunteer night at the RMH through Project Sunshine (another volunteer organization in NYC). The dinner was scheduled for early November (November 10^th, to be exact). Now, here’s the second piece of our story that truly makes me believe in magic-- in the magic of our meeting. I was exhausted on November 10^th. I had been at work that day and by the time I was leaving the office and getting ready to go to the dinner, all I wanted to do was go home and nap. And, I nearly did. I was about to get on the train home, when this little voice in my head told me to just go to the Ronald. And so, despite my hesitation, I went. I helped prepare and serve the dinner, and I did arts & crafts with some of the kids. At one point, I decided to walk around the dining room and make sure the families were ok. I walked up to this absolutely beautiful little girl and her dad and introduced myself. Gino introduced himself and Ylaria. (This is the slightly embarrassing part of the story where I screamed “This is YLARIA?!?!?!”) The rest, as they say, is history.

I can’t tell you how many times I visited Ylaria when she was in NYC. But, over the years, I became such a frequent visitor that the receptionist at the RMH would smile when I walked in and say: “You’re family is here!” And I really did (and do) consider them family. So to my California family, thank you. Thank you for a beautiful vacation, and most importantly, thank you for Ylaria.

Happy Birthday, Ylaria

2011-05-14T20:54:00.003-04:00

“I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you.

It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime so let me say before we part: so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart.” ~Wicked (“For Good”)

My dear Ylaria,

I wanted to take a moment today to wish you a happy, beautiful, amazing birthday. I hope your day is full of all the sunshine, laughter, happiness and love that you always gave to me. And that you still give to me. I can say “still” because you are with me all of the time. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you. And miss you. And love you.

I read somewhere that with each memory, we meet again with those we love because the heart never forgets. If that's true, and I believe it is, then you are always with me because you live in my heart. I see bits of you everywhere. You are in so much of what I do and who I am; it's impossible to forget you. It’s impossible not to think of you. This is part of your magic.

I know this world was, is, and forever will be a better place because of you. And, I promise that as long as there is life in me, I will share your story and spirit with everyone I meet, so that others can know your magic too.

Have a beautiful 6^th birthday, Ylaria! Eat lots of Chinese food, enjoy lots of delicious cake. And don’t forget to make a wish as you blow out your candles. I told Manny to give you a big hug for me. I am sending many, many more.

I love you, beautiful.

Your friend forever,

Olivia

The Little Things

2011-04-11T17:43:00.006-04:00

So I've slacked a bit on this weekly post thing. Truth is things at work were getting a little crazy and I've found it hard to find the motivation to sit in front of a computer for longer than I have to these days, not to mention, find something to write about.

I think that's been part of my problem-- I keep waiting for something really BIG to happen when, in reality, the majority of my days are made up of small, wonderful, beautiful moments. And I cherish them just as much. They make up my life, after all.

So today's post is dedicated to these little things that made this day so great.

1. Laughing and singing along in the car with mom and Sara. Every morning, I leave the house at 6:45am to make the trek into the office. I commute in with my mom and sister, Sara. If I really wanted to, I could probably leave 30 minutes later, but the truth is (other than hating the bus through Flushing in the morning), I love my morning car time. We listen to great songs, chat about our plans, laugh about something ridiculous and get to spend some time together before starting the day. Today, was a particularly awesome morning. Sara played some "oldies but goodies" and I got to sing along to "Chasing Cars" (I HAVE to sing out loud every time I hear that song. It makes listening to it in public difficult!). In between karaoke sessions, we got some laughs in too. It was an awesome start to a Monday on which I was feeling particularly exhausted.

2. My morning walk. If you know me, you know I love my cardio, and I try to fit as much in as I can throughout the day. Since I get into Manhattan early, I get off the train early and walk to the office. (It's a walk that takes me about an hour....yes, I get off early.) Throughout Lent, I have been adding in an 8am Mass to my morning ritual and it's served as a form of therapy for me. Today, I also stopped into a Barnes and Nobles which only added to my morning ritual. You'll be glad to know I didn't buy any books. I am learning restraint.

3. Spring. It looks like Spring might finally be here. The sun was out today and I got to enjoy it by running some office errands. (Working in a basement, I try to get outside as often as I can.) I know it's supposed to rain a lot this week but I am getting excited for Spring and today was perfect weather.

4. Celia Rivebark's weekly column. I adore Celia Rivenbark's weekly column. If you have not read any of her work yet, you absolutely have to. (http://celiarivenbark.com/). It cracks me up every single time. While the column is published on Sundays, I save my reading for Monday morning because, quite honestly, Mondays could use more laughs and there is no better way to start my work week.

5. My magic Ylaria moments. I have been missing Ylaria a lot lately and today was full of what I have come to call magic Ylaria moments. From songs on my ipod, to walking past the Build a Bear store, to needing a (Dora) band aid to seeing something I know she would love-- Ylaria was on my mind constantly. It made me smile to have so many reminders of her throughout my day. Not that this is unusual, Ylaria is with me always. These magic moments help her feel less far away.They are the little Ylaria hugs that let me know I really do carry her with me into the world.

6. My family. I am always thankful for my family but with my cousin, Cris, in from Paris, plans to hang out with Sonia, Laura, Ana and Cris later this week, and a big Nunez Easter dinner in the works, I am getting a lot of family time and loving it. We even had our first BBQ this weekend which was delicious. The sardines were my favorite.

I guess I did have a lot to say after all. Here's hoping your Monday was as awesome as mine.

What are your little big moments?

About my love of the Green

2011-03-18T09:47:00.006-04:00

I suppose this would have been a good post for yesterday with it being St. Patrick's and so many of my friends wishing my Irish soul a "Happy St. Patrick's Day" and all, but since what I am going to share occurred this morning, it was impossible.

As many of you know (mostly because I still talk about it), I took an Irish politics class in college. And I. Loved. It. And I do mean loved. I probably a little excessive and obsessive with the class, but I honestly didn't care. It's the class that first introduced (and later got) me to Belfast-- what's there not to love??

What makes me bring up the Irish politics class on the day after St. Patrick's Day? Well, on my morning walk to work, for reasons unknown to me, I started thinking about it. Meredith and Katie, if you're reading this, it was almost like one of our study sessions, where we would start with any topic and manage to link it to every other topic we wanted to review: 1949--> Republic --> FG and CnP coalition --> Civil War --> Anti vs. Pro Treaty --> Collins vs. Dev -->FF --> Constitution of 1937 --> Amendments --> Referenda --> Issues of divorce and abortion --> Role of the Catholic Church --> NI --> Good Friday Agreement vs.AIA vs. Sunningdale--> loyalist vs. unionist vs. republican vs. nationalist. And once you have the main points, you get to add in all of the details! The game can be endless, really.

I am not sure there is much of a point to this post other than to share my love of Irish politics with you. This week's picture is of some books in the Dartmouth stacks. When I went back for my mini-reunion with Peter, Alexia and Zeke in February 2010, I paid a special visit to my favorite part of the library. The visit would have been incomplete without it, really.

And now that I have shared just how very much of a total nerd I am, I'll leave you now. What was your favorite college class?

In my heart...

2011-03-11T22:15:00.005-05:00

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever" ~ Winnie the Pooh

I have been missing Ylaria so much today. (Well, I have been missing her a lot for some time now but today was a little more difficult.) It was rainy and gloomy in the morning-- sort of how I was feeling. And it made me wonder if the world was crying along with me at the loss of such a magical soul.

I spoke to Belen. We cried together; we laughed together (sometimes at the same time). We talked about Ylaria and how she was wise beyond her years. We laughed about how she was so smart and so witty, about how she would sometimes pretend to ignore me when I came to visit because she was (secretly) so excited to see me. We remembered how she would roll her eyes and how she would laugh when she thought something was ridiculous. I told her that it was hard for me to remember Ylaria was only 5 sometimes because she just "got" it. All of it. And, I basically treated her like another one of my 20-something year old friends. Ylaria never skipped a beat. And you better believe she noticed when you did. And she let you know it. She was no nonsense like that. It would crack me up every time. I swear, Ylaria was with us while we were talking. I felt her all around me.

Sometimes I am surprised she was even my friend. It was clear from the start that she was much cooler, much smarter, much better, really. I lucked out. I always thought it was funny how people thought I was doing such a good deed and a nice thing going to visit her. The truth is, once we met, I was hooked. I didn't go visit Ylaria because she was sick and I could make anything better. (As the frosting bag incident attests, I usually just added a lot of ridiculous mixed in with some crazy.) I went to visit Ylaria because she was my little best friend. I couldn't wait for the next chance to see her. The next time to bring her band aids. The next time to give her a hug. I was her #1 fan. Her silly sidekick.

I am selfish with Ylaria because when I cry, I am really crying for myself. I know she is in a better place and it is cruel of me to wish her back. No person, no child, should ever have to endure what she did. I am selfish in my sadness. In my grief. I am crying for all that I have lost, for all of the things I miss now that Ylaria is not here. Not here with me in body, and I have to stress that last part. In spirit, Ylaria is with me always. She's in the pink and yellow tulips I keep by my desk to brighten my day. She is in every text and phone call I have with Belen. She is in all of my laughter and all of my tears. She is in all of my memories. She is in my heart.

Belen, thank you for laughing with me and crying with me. Thank you for sharing so many beautiful memories. I carry Ylaria in my heart. I will never forget her. It would be like forgetting a part of myself, simply impossible.

Erin

2011-03-10T21:00:00.007-05:00

I have a friend, a dear friend, who is hurting. She misses her Erin.

I have been sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out what, if anything, I can do. If there is anything at all I can do, it's to share Erin with you.

Erin is my verb inspiration. We never met in person, but as I told Vickie, our souls must have met at some point. Not a day goes by without me thinking of Erin. Erin has inspired me to do so much. She has inspired me to verb. To live. To be fully in the world.

It was Erin who first reminded me how much I love the sky. I had forgotten, for a time, about my love for the sky and on my very first verb-filled day, I looked up and I saw it, really saw it. And, I fell in love all over again. My brother is in the sky. And so is Abuelo, and Dorita and Titi and Duche. Erin is in the sky too, with Christi and Kayla and Ylaria. The sky is full of people I love. When I see the sky, I see the love and I feel the love and I remember the love. The people my heart misses seem less far away in these sky moments. Erin helped me remember the sky; for that I will be forever grateful.

So, if you have a moment, please visit Erin's blog today. Get to know the amazing Erin and leave some love. I know you'll be inspired. And, if you're in my area on Sunday, please let me know because I'll be verbing an Erin favorite: BEAD. And beading is always more fun with friends.

Why bother with Lent?

2011-03-08T20:58:00.004-05:00

After my photo project, I was asked by a few people to keep writing and sharing. I found it really touching that people thought so much of what I had already shared and I promised to share something on a weekly basis (with a picture). This "something" will be absolutely anything I choose (unless you provide suggestions/questions, of course!)

Before I begin today's post, I want to say this: Religion and faith are two very different things, at least in my mind. I don't want to go into religion here. It's not the place and religion isn't something that moves me or inspires me or makes me believe in something more. Faith does all of this. Faith brings Life to my soul.

I have been giving a lot of thought to Lent these days, being that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and I have already been asked what I am going to give up or what I am going to add in.

Here's the thing, I really like Lent. A lot. In this crazy fast-paced, 24/7 world, Lent is a time where I find more time to stop, more time to quiet my mind, more time to be present in the world. I "bother" with Lent because, for me, it's not about the suffering or the denial or the fasting or the ashes. Lent is more than just 40 days without chocolate or TV or Facebook. It's 40 days of reflection and searching and faith. It's a "spring cleaning" for my soul.

I am giving up sugar because I am completely addicted to it. Completely. And because I want to learn to respond to things like stress and anger and boredom in more constructive, positive, faith-filled ways than by simply reaching for another piece of chocolate. Lately, I have been so sad and I have been filling the sadness with things that never actually fill me at all.

I am adding in prayer because I have been so busy I can't hear my Self anymore. I have been feeling lost and lonely. I believe that prayer will give my soul the comfort it so sorely needs. I believe in God and angels and Something bigger than myself and my world. I have not been giving my faith the room it needs to spread its wings. Lent gives me that time, if I allow it.

And after I have shared all of this, I have to say, I think I love Lent because it ends in Easter and Easter is my very favorite holiday. A very wise friend said one Lent a few years ago, "Easter is about Hope and Easter is coming." Every soul needs hope to live. I live in hope and I am looking forward to 40 beautiful hope-filled days.

Photo Project Day #31

2011-03-01T09:25:00.004-05:00

Day #31: A picture of yourself. (The last day of the photo project).

This photo isn't just of myself, obviously, but with it being March 1st, I needed to find a picture of my brother. Manny passed away 16 years ago today. It's a long time to miss someone. It's also a long time to love them and honor them and live with them in your heart. I have tried my best to do just that.

About the picture. It was taken some time in the spring of 1994. I love it because we're all so happy and together and it's a beautiful day outside. We're appreciating the moment. Manny taught us so much about that-- about loving what you have while you have it. He always knew how to make us smile and laugh-- how to make us happy. (Here's a little random tangent-- When people tell me they think I am funny, I always take it as a huge compliment. My brother was one of the funniest people I know and when I am told I am funny, it makes me think that I am like him, at least a little, and that makes me so very happy.)

Today isn't going to be a sad day for me. I am determined to fill it with happy things and many verbs. I already had a really awesome Christi run this morning and enjoyed the beautiful sky on my walk to work-- March 1st off to a good start. Manny wouldn't want it any other way.

Photo Project Day #30

2011-02-28T11:05:00.008-05:00

Day #30: A picture of someone you miss.

"It's hard when you miss people. But you know, if you miss them it means you're lucky. It means you had someone special in your life. Someone worth missing." ~OTH

Today's theme couldn't have come at a better time. I have been missing a lot of people lately. Some were away on vacation and are back now (or on their way back.) It's such a good feeling-- when you can miss someone but know that you'll meet again soon. It's a comfort that isn't always possible.

Sometimes you miss people and they don't come back. And your heart hurts from missing them so much for so long. The empty spaces these souls leave behind when they fly away will always be there-- reminders, both painful and gentle, of the love and the laughter and the moments shared together.

It's really impossible to list just one person I miss. With March 1st so very close, I miss Manny more than ever. I miss Dorita when I think of her laughter and the way she would scrunch up her nose. When I remember Sunday afternoon lunches from my childhood, I miss Titi and Duche. When I smell toast or think of how much I loved to hold his hand, I miss Abuelo. I miss Christi with every Christi run and trip to the bookstore. I miss Kayla when I remember the day we met and how her faith always inspired me. When I bead or choose a new verb, I miss Erin.

I miss so many people.

But today, I think most of all, I miss Ylaria. It started out small, this new wave of missing her. I injured my foot yesterday and needed band aids, so (of course) I put on some Dora band aids. Carefully and precisely, just like Ylaria would have. I thought of how these were different Dora band aid designs from the ones I had always bought for her and it bothered me. It's stupid, I know, but it made me sad to think that I couldn't bring her these new band aids and share them with her. Personally, I like the old ones better. I wonder what Ylaria would think.

Then, late last night, I couldn't sleep. It was 11pm and then 12:15am and then 2am. No sleep. And, for some reason, I thought of this picture of Ylaria and how much I love it. I thought of how I miss her. I miss her amazing wit and the way she would look at me when she thought I was being ridiculous. I miss the sound of her voice and her contagious laughter. I miss her strong hugs and the feeling of her hand in mine.

And then, I thought of all the things I did with her in mind-- walking to the Ronald McDonald House, going into CVS for band aids or pretzels or anything she might like, booking a flight to Vermont for the weekend, listening to songs on my ipod I had heard her sing along to, writing "YLARIA" in my planner when Belen would tell me the dates they would be in NYC. The list is endless. Ylaria became so much a part of my life in our short time together; there are so many empty spaces now that she is not here.

I know she is in a better place now with Manny and Christi and Kayla and Erin. But I am selfish. (Is it ok to admit that?) I wish she was still here. I miss having Ylaria with me in the world.

Photo Project Day #29

2011-02-27T11:40:00.003-05:00

Day #29: A picture that can always make you smile.

I love this picture. Absolutely love it, and it always makes me smile.

In this picture, I am hugging my cousin/big sister, Sonia. Sonia has always been there for me. Always. When we were younger, we'd play "house" together and she was always my "mom" and I was always her "daughter". After a sleepover, I would cry when she had to go home. Goodbyes have always been hard for me, I guess-- even if I knew they were only for a little while. Sonia was the first person I called when Ylaria relapsed in March of 2009. She let me cry; it's not often you can find someone you can really cry with and still feel safe. Within hours of speaking to her, Sonia called me back to see if we could do something for Ylaria and her family. In less than a day, Sonia, Aly and I had organized a fundraiser. I went from feeling helpless to hopeful. I am so very fortunate to have Sonia in my life. She's always there to give a hug whenever I need it most.

I love hugs. The really strong kind that make you feel so incredibly loved and special and safe and happy. It's the kind of hug I am sharing in this picture. People have told me I give really good hugs. My "Olivia hugs" started years ago, right around the time my brother was diagnosed. I remember one time, shortly before Manny went in for his transplant-- the last hug I ever remember giving him-- Manny was walking through the dining room into the kitchen and I was walking from the kitchen through the dining room. I am not sure why I did it,I don't think I had a reason beyond just wanting to give him a hug, but, I stopped as he was passing me and gave him a huge, long, strong hug. He laughed and hugged me back and said: "You're going to have to hug me really hard for all those times you're going to miss." At the time, we both knew he meant that I wouldn't be seeing him for a long time because he was going in for his bone marrow transplant and I wouldn't be able to visit him for a while. Now, those words have taken on so much more meaning. My brother died shortly after his transplant. I never did get to hug him again. You never realize how much those small moments mean until you lose them entirely. It's been nearly 16 years since Manny died and I would give anything to hug him just one more time.

Now I can only hug him in my dreams. A few years ago, I had such a dream. It was brief, but Manny was there. When I saw him, I ran up to him and hugged him, just like I used to. And, he hugged me back. I can't remember what we said, if we said anything at all, but I remember the hug. And, I remember thinking that despite all of the time that had passed without him living in the world with me, our love was still in the same. It was such a comfort to know, even through just a dream, that death could only take so much. Love (and hugs) were beyond its grasp. I woke up still feeling his hug.

And on days, like today, where I miss him so much the tears come, I remember that dream and that hug, and I feel comforted again.

Photo Project Day #28

2011-02-26T00:39:00.002-05:00

Day #28: A picture of something you're afraid of.

I am having some trouble sleeping tonight so I thought I would spend some time posting the picture for today. This was another tough one because what I am most afraid of can't be depicted in a picture, really.

I'm most afraid of failure. In every aspect of my life.

My self-doubts have always done a good job of holding me back at things. I have managed to overcome some of them with time and patience and some degree of self-love, but it's an endless battle-- trying to figure out what my "purpose" is and if I am doing it right, (And, what, exactly, is "right" anyway?)

I'm afraid of failing at my own life, which seems pretty impossible, now that I put these thoughts on paper (so to speak). I mean, it's my life. Whatever I chose to do with the minutes and moments I am given, however many they are, they are all mine. I need to embrace this reality. It's a tremendous responsibility-- this living thing. At least living with dignity and honesty and courage and faith and love and fullness. It's a tremendous responsibility to live the life I dream for myself, the life that I verb for myself.

But this fear, if it can be called a fear, is what keeps me going. It keeps me questioning myself and my choices. I am slowly learning to work through it and not against it. Life is, after all, a work in progress. And for those fortunate enough, we get to wake up in the morning and give it all another shot. What a gift.

Photo Project Day #27

2011-02-25T14:38:00.003-05:00

Day #27: A picture of yourself and a family member.

Ana is one of my sisters-- and one of my best friends. She is the younger sister who taught me how to walk-- really. She is always there to remember Manny with me; she reminds me most of him. And, she was there last year in Grixo, when we went to get our signature beverage. Who could ask for a better sister or a better friend??

And, Ana, you need to come to Grixo again this summer....

Photo Project Day #26

2011-02-24T11:53:00.004-05:00

Day #26: A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Kids Cancer Crusade is an organization that means a lot to me. More than I could ever really put into words. And, Jennifer, it's founder, is one of my dearest friends.

KCC is an amazing example of the power one person can have to bring beauty, joy and love into this world. Jennifer does just that through her work with Kids Cancer Crusade.

I love Kids Cancer Crusade. I love how KCC honors Christi's amazing spirit. I love how the care packages, so thoughtfully put together, can bring the biggest smile to a child's face. Ylaria had such a smile when I brought her KCC package-- she just loved it. I love how KCC remembers the children who have earned their angel wings. Manny is one of their honorary angels. It's such a comfort to know others remember him too, and that they honor his legacy.

Kids Cancer Crusade brings families together in their darkest hour so that they know they are not alone. It's a light of hope when we might feel most hopeless. Through the work of Kids Cancer Crusade, Manny and Christi and Sydney and Ylaria and Erin and Kayla and Ty will never be forgotten. There is no greater gift to the grieving heart than this-- knowing that those we miss most and hold dearest live on in love and hope and joy.

Photo Project Day #25

2011-02-23T10:06:00.001-05:00

Day #25: A picture of your day.

This picture was not taken today and it was not taken in New York but it's a picture of one of my favorite days--- and one of my favorite ways to start the day.

I was going out for a Christi run one morning in Spain this past summer. And as I was leaving, I noticed the sunrise, so I had to run back into the house, grab my camera and snap this picture.

My morning Christi run. A beautiful sunrise sky. Relaxing time in Spain with the family. There's no better way to spend my day.

Photo Project Day #24

2011-02-22T14:21:00.004-05:00

Day #24: A picture of something you wish you could change.

I wish I could make everyone see that love is love. Love is what the world needs more of-- not hate and ignorance. Just love.

Photo Project Day #23

2011-02-21T10:41:00.003-05:00

Day #23: A picture of your favorite book.

This one was easy. If you know me, you know I love reading. Reading is an essential part of m life-- almost as essential as breathing. I love books. Lots of books. Yet, despite my complete inability to walk into a bookstore or a library without hyperventilating, I have a favorite book.

Pride & Prejudice wins. Hands down. I read it at least once a year, after all. And every year, I fall in love all over again. Every year Mrs. Bennet makes me laugh, Wickham makes me want to scream, and Elizabeth makes me appreciate the art of wit. Every year, I wait anxiously for the moment when Elizabeth arrives at Pemberley.

I want to be Elizabeth Bennet (and not only because she ends up with the dashing Mr. Darcy, though that is certainly a perk.) Elizabeth Bennet is my literary hero for her strength and intelligence and wittiness. A woman who won't conform to society's "standards"; I love it!

What's your favorite book?

Photo Project Day #22

2011-02-20T17:35:00.005-05:00

Day #22: A picture of something you wish you were better at.

I was trying to figure out what picture would best illustrate what I wish I were better at and, last night, as I was visiting Vickie's blog, I remembered this picture of Erin. I love this picture; it's one of my favorites. And, in the world of pictures, I would say it's one of the best. Ever.

Now, you might be wondering, why I chose this picture for today's theme. (No, I don't want to be better at cannonballing into the water.) For you to understand why I chose this picture, you need to know Erin. Erin lived her life in verbs. She read. She laughed. She played. She loved. She verbed.

I wish I were better at verbing.

I do things but I spend way too much time thinking them over, before, during and after. I am cautious and careful and thoughtful. All good things, I know, but these adjectives can also hold me back. They prevent me from taking risks and cannonballing into my own life.

So, I dedicate today's entry to Erin. Who continually inspires me to live. And, to verb. Every single day.

Photo Project Day #21

2011-02-19T14:58:00.001-05:00

Day #21: A picture of something you wish you could forget.

I don't want to forget anything. However horrible, or sad or painful or ridiculous or whatever the moment was, it is part of what shaped who I am today. I have learned from the mistakes, been made humble by the failures and given too much of myself in my living. Forgetting would be giving up a part of my Self. I have only recently started really loving me. I'll keep all of the pieces, big and small, that make me who I am. Thanks.

Photo Project Day #20

2011-02-18T09:04:00.001-05:00

Day #20: A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Today's photo had to go to my favorite place. Ever. Belfast. I know I have been there before and that I should be able to think of somewhere more exotic or exciting or whatever. And all I can say is that in my book, Belfast will win. Every. Single. Time. (With the exception of Tebra during Grixo.)

This picture is of the Linen Hall Library in Belfast. Because in my favorite city ever, it's my favorite building ever.

Can I please go back now?

Photo Project Day #19

2011-02-17T13:29:00.002-05:00

Day #19: A picture and a letter. (I wrote this letter a few weeks ago, but it'll work for today's theme, I think.)

Dear Ylaria,

I was thinking about you a lot last night. Well, to be honest, I think about you all of the time, most especially at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. It's so quiet at night that it's easier to hear my heart. I think this must be why. Because you live in my heart and I can hear you when I'm still and quiet and waiting for the dreams to come.

I was missing you so much. I talked to your mom and it helped. A lot. Your mom is awesome like that, but you know that-- you had to learn your magic from someone, after all.

That's when it happened. When I heard you. Really heard you. It's when I realized that it was ok to be sad and to miss you and to cry. It's ok to have my feelings as long as I use those feelings to live my life like you would want me to. I can't just be sad. How can I share you with the world if all I am is sad?

You were-- you are--my sunshine. My life needs to be full of sunshine so that when people meet me they see joy, and when they see joy, they see you. And when they ask why I use Dora band aids or why I wear pink with yellow or why I see the rainbow in the clouds, I can tell them that my little best friend taught me about sunshine. You were a great teacher. (And we both know you were smarter than me-- duh.)

So, thank you. I promise to keep my heart open to more of your messages.

I love you,

Olivia

Photo Project Day #18

2011-02-16T09:24:00.002-05:00

Day #18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Since I started this project 18 days ago, I have gotten really into it. Can you tell? Today's theme is one I have been dealing with forever, really. But I have to start off with saying that this post is not going to be sad or pitiful or anything negative. It's going to be honest.

I have cerebral palsy. I have always been terribly self-conscious about my legs and about the way I walk. I had thought about running for several years but didn't have the courage to try it because I was so afraid of what people would think when they saw me run and they saw how my leg turned in and they saw how slow I was. (I can be a real master at the negative mind games.)

Then, in July 2005, I had a revelation. I realized that it didn't matter what anyone thought. I remember thinking to myself that no one would notice me running and if they did, they'd never remember anyway. I was "safe". I wanted to run and I was going to do it. I have been running ever since. I absolutely love it.

It was because of Christi that I took the biggest "risk" in running. I wanted to do something to honor her memory and so I signed up for my first race in December 2007 to raise money for the Christi Thomas Memorial Fund and Kids Cancer Crusade. I was so worried that 1. I wouldn't be able to finish 2. I would fall and 3. everyone would stare at me. I took a deep breath and pictured Christi by my side throughout that first race. It made such a difference. And guess what? I did finish (with great time!), 2. I didn't fall, and 3. no one stared. I now run annual Christi Thomas Memorial races and when I wake up at 4:30am for my regular "Christi run" (as I call my morning run), I still picture Christi running next to me. It still makes all the difference.

And that's the funny thing about my biggest insecurity. It's become a source of strength for me. And while I can still, at times, feel self-conscious about my limp, running has helped me love my legs. They are what get me to the finish line, after all.

(This picture is from the First Annual Christi Thomas Memorial Run, December 2007.)

Photo Project Day #17

2011-02-15T09:44:00.005-05:00

Day #17: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

When Jennifer first sent me this Photo Project info and saw the theme for Day #17, my heart literally sighed and I thought: Ylaria.

I met Ylaria on November 10, 2007. Yes, I remember the date exactly. It was my first night ever volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House in NYC. The group I was volunteering with had prepared dinner and some of us were walking around and chatting with the families. At one point, I walked over to Gino and introduced myself. He introduced himself and said "and this is Ylaria". At which point, I, like any other sane person would, said (in a louder voice than I should have, but it's me we're talking about. Normal has never been my style.): "Ylaria!?!?!??! I was on your caringbridge site!" I can say with a fair amount of confidence that they both at that moment most likely thought I was insane, and getting to know me more could really only confirm that, but they loved me in spite of (or perhaps because of) my little bit of crazy.

Whenever Ylaria was in NYC, I would run to the RMH after work and we would spend hours playing together. We did anything she wanted: watched movies, did arts and crafts, played in the pretend kitchen, read books. I always brought band aids. She'd always cover my hands in them. I would leave them on until I got home. I can't even begin to imagine what people thought when they saw me walking through Manhattan with my hands (and sometimes arms) covered in colorful Dora band aids, but I never cared. I'd get home and place a few of the band aids on objects throughout my room. They are still there.

Once, Gino got tickets to a Yankee game and at the very last minute Ylaria refused to go. She would have none of it and she quite frankly couldn't have cared less who the Yankees were. So, I offered to stay with her at the RMH while Gino went to the game. We played hide and seek in the room, played with play-doh, and just generally had fun. Everything was going so well.

And then, it happened.

To this day, I still can't remember what I did, but whatever I did, it was NOT good. At. All. And, Ylaria made sure I knew it. I was quickly put on a time-out. Literally. I sat in a corner on the floor with Ylaria giving me a stern look, shaking her finger saying : "No talking." I said: "OK" and laughed. (Cut me some slack, it was funny.) She got even more serious and said: "No laughing." At which point I, again, said, "OK" and laughed even harder. It went on like this for a while. With Ylaria saying "No laughing", "No talking" and me just agreeing and cracking up until there were tears falling down my face. Eventually, Ylaria gave up and let me go. Just like that. I was no longer in time-out and we went back to playing with play-doh or watching whatever show was on Nick Jr. This memory still makes me laugh. This is how it always was between us. Ylaria ran the show and I was her trusty (err...ridiculous...) sidekick. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I can honestly say that I loved Ylaria from the very beginning. I loved everything about her. I loved her laugh. You couldn't help laughing with her because it was just contagious. I loved how she would jump up and down when she got excited and how she just wanted to share that excitement with you. I loved how when she was younger, she would call me "blah blah" because she couldn't pronounce my name. I loved how she would concentrate with so much intensity when she was working on a project and how she would love to read together with me. I loved how she would knock me over with the strength of her hugs. I loved how she would always make sure I was coming back to see her the next day when I left the RMH for the night. And, that I would remember to bring more band aids, of course.

To say Ylaria had a huge impact on my life is an understatement. She is part of so much of what I do and who I am that it's impossible to remember my life without her in it. I miss my little best friend. So very, very much. Ylaria, thank you for all of these memories and the many, many more that I hold in my heart. I love you.

Photo Project Day #16

2011-02-14T12:19:00.005-05:00

Day #16: A picture of someone who inspires you.

There are a lot of people who inspire me: Ylaria, Christi, Kayla, Erin. And so many more. But if I had to pick one of my inspirations to share with you today, it would have to be my brother Manny. It is through Manny, after all, that I met Ylaria and Christi and Kayla and Erin. It is because of him that I care so deeply about pediatric cancer and want to raise awareness for this important cause. It is because of him that I take more time to tell everyone how much they mean to me whenever I can. I learned through Manny that you should never wait to tell someone that you love them. There's never enough time to tell someone how much they mean to you.

My brother was the first person to really show me how to be strong when you're feeling weak, how to appreciate every moment, how to fight until the very end. Manny was the first one to make me realize that your body can only get you so far-- it's your soul that houses your strength. Manny was the first one to point out how beautiful the crickets sound on a warm summer night. And, he was the first one to really make me understand that just because you die, it doesn't mean your life ends. It's why I look for him in the sky, and it's why I smell his scent when I am walking down the street, and it's why I still see him in my dreams. He's not gone at all.

If you heard his story, it would be easy to think he "lost" his battle to leukemia. But he didn't lose. He won. He didn't finish his work or his purpose. He's continuing it through the people that love him. The ones who wake up every day missing him and loving him and carrying his spirit into the world. He lives in me and in the love I share with him and for him and because of him.

Photo Project Day #15

2011-02-13T11:12:00.003-05:00

Day #15: A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Before I die, I want to drive cross-country with a car full of great friends. I haven't decided on an exact route yet, but I would definitely have to include a visit to Alaska. (And, if Jennifer were with me, a stop in Wilmington, NC). We would totally have to do nerdy historical stuff. And visit as many friends as possible along the way.

Anyone want to join? I promise to bake a lot of tasty treats for the journey. And to keep you entertained with my amazing sense of humor....

Photo Project Day #14

2011-02-12T21:42:00.003-05:00

Day #14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

Sara is my best in basically everything. She is one of my best sisters and one of my best friends.

Sara and I have shared just about everything together...we've lived together practically our entire lives, after all. The few times we weren't "dorm buddies", we'd still manage to keep in touch regularly. We'd write snail mails and emails when I was in Hanover and Dartmouth. The years that Sara dormed in Manhattan, we'd make sure to meet up on a regular basis for coffee or dinner or to walk through the Union Square Farmer's Market. I need a fairly regular does of "Sara time".

Sara really "gets" me like few people do. She puts up with me when I'm grumpy. She makes me laugh like no one else can. She comforts me when I am sad. She gives me space when I need to be alone. She understands that music is best when listened to at a very high volume and she is my favorite singing-in-the-car partner. Sara makes every moment better just by being a part of it. She's pretty amazing like that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Sara, my life would suck without you.

Photo Project Day #13

2011-02-11T08:15:00.004-05:00

Day #13: A picture of your favorite band or artist.

I don't really have a favorite band. I go more for the song than the person singing it. And the song always depends on my mood. Right now I am listening to my "Spain mix" because yesterday's post has me missing Spain terribly.

But if I had to choose a group that came close to my favorite, it would be Snow Patrol. They are from Northern Ireland, after all.

Photo Project Day #12

2011-02-10T08:01:00.006-05:00

Day #12: A picture of something you love.

I love a lot of things. But, I'd have to say, my family tops the list. It should be clear by now from previous posts that my family is awesome, hilarious, fun, and-- in more cases than we care to admit-- completely out of control (in an awesome, hilarious and fun kind of way).

In thinking about what I really love about my family, I decided that I was going to focus on one of my very favorite-- it not my absolute favorite-- time with them: In Tebra, Spain. For Grixo.

What is Grixo, you ask? Good question!

Grixo (the x is pronounced like an "sh". It's Galician!) is (allegedly) a religious festival. Some time a really, really, really long time ago (it almost sounds like a fairy tale, huh?), it was said that the Virgin Mary appeared on this mountain (Grixo). So every year on a Sunday in August, the village my dad is from (Tebra) honors this event with a hike up to the mountain. Once there, we do what all good Spaniards do-- eat, drink, dance and raffle off things like whiskey, cigarettes and, as of last year, live chickens.

It's a lot of really crazy fun. (Just ask, Cristina! Or any of my other awesome family members for that matter.)

I've always been very proud of my Spanish heritage (yes, Belen, the conqueror heritage.) I love that I grew up speaking Spanish. I loved going to Spanish school for 10 years on Friday nights (Really, I did. I mean it was school, duh! Even if my sisters always copied my homework.) I love that I have dual citizenship (It came in handy for a certain eight-year period not so long ago, cough, cough.) I love that I have family in Spain that I keep in touch with regularly and that I get to visit often.

I mean, let's be honest, what's there not to love? What with our tasty food (yay pork!), our amazing wine (albarino is delicious!), our siesta time (naps are essential!), and our inherent belief that we have to honor historical and/or religious events with a combo of the aforementioned food, wine and siestas? I am proud of Grixo.

Today's picture was taken at last year's Grixo and is quite possibly the only time ever in my entire lifetime that my father has looked directly into a camera and smiled for a picture. Two of my sisters, Ana and Sara are also in the picture. My cousins Cristina and Silvia were at Grixo as was my mom. My sister Laura and cousin Sonia couldn't make it and were missed greatly.

So there you have this rather long love post. I love my family. I love Grixo. And I especially love celebrating Grixo with my family. I'm already saving up for this year's trip. And I can't wait!

Photo Project Day #11

2011-02-09T09:43:00.006-05:00

Day #11: A picture of something you hate.

I hate cancer. Childhood cancer specifically.

I hate it for Manny and for Ylaria and for Christi and for Kayla and for Erin and for Sydney and for Liam K. and for Samantha and for Whitney and for Mary and for Liam W. and for Morgan and for Jensen and for so many, many more. I hate childhood cancer for the hearts it has broken (and will continue to break), for the empty seats it has left at the dinner table (and will continue to leave), and for the families it has robbed of sons and daughters, brothers and sisters (and will continue to rob).

I hate how cancer makes children wise, and brave, and thoughtful, and generous beyond their years. And how it makes things "normal" that should never, ever be normal-- radiation, chemo, hospitals, needles. Children should not have to wish to go to school or to have hair or to feel well enough to run outside. It's simply not acceptable that 46 children are diagnosed every day and that 11 die-- every single day. It's just not acceptable.

I absolutely hate childhood cancer.

Photo Project Day #10

2011-02-08T07:56:00.007-05:00

Day # 10: A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

Please note, before I begin this post, that when I read "messed up" I think funny or ridiculous or a little crazy-- all mixed with lots of laughs and fun times and sisterly love.

This said, Day #10 goes out to my cousin/big sister, Cristina. (Cris, is on right in the picture.) I am sure Cristina, knows why. But just in case you're reading this and wonder why Cristina is my partner in all sorts of "messed up" adventures, let me share some of my favorite Cristina moments:

1. Cristina was the one who came up to me in Aeropostale that time a few years ago and said to me in Spanish: "Pero Olivia, que haces aqui?? Cuanto tiempo sin verte!" (Translation: Olivia, what are you doing here?? It's been so long since I've seen you!") while I was paying for socks. When the cashier heard this, he asked his Hispanic coworker to please translate for me that there was a sale going on for other socks. Cristina did her best to not burst out laughing on the spot and walked away. I was left to pretend that I couldn't speak English because I felt so awkward I couldn't think of another response. (Please don't ask why Cristina came up to me randomly and pretended we hadn't come to the mall together. That's not the point. At. all.) This memory cracks me UP. Every. Single. Time.

2. Cristina and I took a trip to London and Paris a few years after event #1. While in Paris we wanted to go see the Arc de Tripomphe. We could not find the underground passageway. (Again, please don't ask why.) So we, of course, assumed you could only get there by running across the round-about/traffic circle. Because it makes complete sense to risk your life and run across 4 lanes of ongoing, nonstop traffic to see the Arc de Triomphe. Clearly. (We found the underground passage later.)

3. After posting somewhere close to 100 family wedding pictures on FB last June, Cristina and I proceeded to spend more time than I care to admit, "LIKING" the overwhelming majority of them. Because it's what we do.

4. Cristina and I love to karaoke. (It doesn't matter that we're no good...we try and that's what counts!). On the same day as the event just mentioned, we decided to practice "Find Your Love" so that we could perform it for the family the next day as after-dinner entertainment. We're just classy like that. Hey, hey, hey.

5. And then there was that time years ago that we cleaned that apartment in Spain with the...ummm... animal carcass on the balcony. Cris, I publicly apologize for chickening out at the very, very, very last moment and dropping the garbage bag. In the future, I will be the one to sweep up the bones.

6. On the trip to London/Paris, Cristina was with me when we learned that Covent Garden is, in fact, NOT a garden....

7. While not alone in creating the Chrana sign (see picture above), Cristina was a critical member of the Chrana welcome committee in the Vigo (Spain) airport last August. We know how to welcome visitors in style. Even if it calls a ton of attention and makes the entire airport stare at us.

Cris and I have an amazing ability to make the most mundane tasks more exciting. Travel? I guarantee that even if you think you have a ton of time, you're going to be running through what seems like the entire airport at the last call moment. Hiking? You'll do a long one on some hot August day only to make it to the very top in heavy fog. The view is just awesome when you can't see it. That's what your imagination is for after all. Thanksgiving dinner? Never complete without a suckling pig that we take multiple pictures with. The list is endless really. It's amazing how much we can do without even trying.

Cris, thanks for the laughs. I can't wait to see you again soon so that we can continue our tradition of crazy.

Photo Project Day #9

2011-02-07T09:10:00.004-05:00

Day # 9: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

I have the best mom. In. The World.

Really.

My mom is one of my best friends. She's always been there for me. When I was little (and by little, I mean younger), she would put sweet notes in my lunch box. I still have them. When I would call her from Dartmouth crying hysterically because I was convinced I was going to fail all of my finals, she would remind me to breathe and that I was too much of a nerd to fail. When I was feeling homesick in New Hampshire or Belfast she'd send care packages full of cute cards, sweets, pictures and other essentials. More recently, she took care of me at midnight when I was so sick I couldn't move. She helps me up when I fall and is my very best cheerleader at all of my Christi runs. She held me while I cried rivers of tears for Ylaria. She's always there for me.

My mom is also just plain fun. Brunches, Sunday tapas (with albarino, of course), move nights, shopping, summer trips to Spain; they're all better with her there-- and funnier too. I think I got my sense of humor from her side of the family tree.

And today, when I saw that the photo project was about the person who has gotten me through the most, I could think of only one response. My mom has gotten me through life. She's been there through the baby years when someone needed to take care of me constantly. She has helped me through my cerebral palsy and making me realize that even though I have a disability, it's nothing to hold me back. She was the first one to show me that I am just like everyone else and I can do anything I set my mind to. She was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful and smart and good. She's taught me to believe in myself and my worth. Few people are as blessed to have someone like that in their lives. I am so lucky.

Photo Project Day #8

2011-02-06T13:01:00.003-05:00

Day #8: A picture that makes you laugh.

This picture makes me laugh. Every. Single. Time.

The story behind it?

After I graduated from Dartmouth, I spent a year in Belfast, Northern Ireland pursuing a Masters in Comparative Ethnic Conflict. It was, without a doubt, one of the very best experiences of my life. As many of you, I am sure, know by now Belfast is my favorite city. Living there, even if it was only for a year, was a dream come true.

While there, I not only got to study a subject area which I still find incredibly fascinating, I also met many amazing people who quickly became some of my dearest friends. One of these friends was Andrea. We lived on the same floor and I can honestly say I would have been very lonely if I had not had her as a floor-mate. We went food shopping together, cooked meals together, studied together, went to the movies together, and laughed together. A. Lot.

In January 2006, during a break in classes, we decided to go down to Dublin for a few days. For some reason I can't remember-- though I am pretty sure I was the one with the brilliant idea-- we went into one of those cheesy Irish souvenir shops to look around. And that's when I saw it: the leprechaun hat with bead attached. Being me, I just had to put it on. Then I called out to Andrea. She turned around, took one look at me, and we both lost it. Completely.

I love laughing like that. Sharing a ridiculous moment with a friend, laughing so hard you can't quite catch your breath. Andrea and I had quite a few of those moments throughout the year. Like the time I lost two umbrellas in two days (I never went anywhere without an umbrella in Belfast), or the time the security guard on the other side of town saw me and and asked about my morning runs (My running fan club started in Belfast), or the time we (and by we I mean-- I) labeled our food in the communal fridge with signs that said: "Eat and die" because we were sick of people eating our stuff. The list is endless.

And here we have the picture. I was laughing so much I was red-- and I'll bet not breathing. The picture is fuzzy because Andrea was laughing so hard, the camera was shaking. It's a one of a kind, really. All class. Just like us.

Photo Project Day #7

2011-02-05T21:23:00.004-05:00

Day #7: A picture of your most cherished item.

Today's photo project was a little challenging for me. It took me a while to think about what item I valued most. After some thought, I realized that my photos. I know this may not count as "one item", but I'm ok with cheating a little on this one.

I love the way photographs can help me remember a moment so clearly. They can make me laugh when I remember something funny or comfort me when I am missing someone I love. Photos bring some of my most cherished memories back to life. For all of these reasons and more, they are my most cherished item.

Photo Project Day #6

2011-02-04T08:16:00.005-05:00

Day #6: A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

If I could switch places with someone for a day, I would pick Shayla. I've said it before and I'll say it again-- I want to be like Shayla when I grow up. Some people ask, WWJD?, but I usually just think to myself-- what would Shayla do? You should try it; it's a huge help when you're stuck on a problem or trying to decide between several options.

Shayla is one of the kindest, most giving, compassionate, funniest and smartest people I know. I'd learn a lot by spending a day in her shoes. Plus, she's still in school and we all know that if I could live in a school (or library), I would. While I can guarantee that Shayla's life is more exciting than my own, by switching for a day, she'd get to see what it's like to live in NYC (and find that apartment overlooking Central Park that we're going to share one day).

So, Shayla, if you're up for the switch, just say the word!

Photo Project Day #5

2011-02-03T08:25:00.003-05:00

Day #5: A picture of your favorite memory.

If I had to pick my most favorite day ever, it would have to be this one-- Christmas Eve 1994. It was my brother's last Christmas with us. On his request, we decorated like crazy. You could see our house from about a block away it had so many lights on it. We picked the very best (and possibly biggest) tree in the lot-- everything had to be just right.

I don't remember everything exactly but I remember moments. And, I remember feelings. The house was full of family we loved. As always, we ate way too much and we laughed even more. My sisters, brother, cousins and I played up in the attic for hours-- possibly our standard "house" before running down at midnight to open the gifts. Dorita cut the turron and made jokes as she always did. We sang "Happy Birthday" to Abuelo at midnight. (I always thought it was so cool that my grandfather was born on Christmas Day.)

This memory is the reason why Christmas reminds me so much of Manny; he just loved it. And that last Christmas with him was so very special, even if we didn't know it then. It's the reason why Christmas lights (especially the colored kind) make me cry at least once each year. For these reasons and for all the others I could never put into words, December 24, 1994 is my most favorite memory.

Photo Project Day #4

2011-02-02T16:56:00.006-05:00

Day #4: A picture of your night.

So I don't have anything really exciting to share about my nights. Getting up at 4:30am, I'm usually in bed by 10pm. See, I told you-- nothing exciting. Most of my college friends will be shocked to know I love sleeping these days and really appreciate a good night's rest. So here we have it. My bed.

On the wall there's a Northern Ireland poster along with a framed photo of my brother and of my great-aunt Dorita. You also get a glimpse of the bear that I made with Ylaria on our Build-a-Bear trip a few years ago. (I thought he'd be good at demonstrating what it looks like to sleep.) I love that bear because I always think of that time with her when I see him. He's just another reminder that Ylaria really is everywhere.

Missing Ylaria

2011-02-02T10:46:00.003-05:00

Below is part of a note I wrote to Belen. I am posting it here for me. This blog is really a diary of sorts for me and in years to come, I want to remember these moments with Ylaria.

----

I miss Ylaria so much. I miss the way she would knock me over with hugs when she'd see me; she always made me feel so very loved. Ylaria was wonderful with everyone that way. She made you feel so special.

This is selfish, I know, but I miss seeing her in New York. You'd tell me the dates she was going to be coming for treatment or scans and I would take out my planner and write a huge "YLARIA" across those days. It's how I made sure I got in as much "Ylaria time" as possible. I would leave work and race over to the Ronald as quickly as I could. We would do arts and crafts (she loooooved decorating pages with stickers) or play in the pretend kitchen where she'd cook me all of these super tasty (plastic) foods. Later, we'd eat dinner in the dining room and then go up to the room for more fun watching TV, playing hide and seek or decorating my hands with Dora band aids. When she was younger, she would get upset when I had to leave and she would make sure I was coming back the next day. Gino would try to tell her that I couldn't come every day and I would always say something like, "Don't worry, I'll be here. And I'll bring more band aids!". I am pretty sure I was more excited about those visits than she was, to be honest. She was such a good friend to me.

I miss how Ylaria would cover my hands in band aids. She would adjust any band aid that wasn't just right and make sure they were placed *exactly* the way she wanted them. I would leave the RMH with my hands literally covered in Dora band aids and I would keep most of them on for the 1.5 hour commute home. I am pretty sure people who saw me thought I was ridiculous but I never cared. It was like having a bit of Ylaria with me. I'd come home and the band aids that I could save, I would place on objects throughout my room. There are still quite a few left now-- little reminders of Ylaria to keep me company while I sleep.

I miss the way she would read to me. She loved reading and sharing her little books with me. She'd point to the appropriate pictures and make sure I was paying attention. If I was ever laughing or talking to you, she'd stop and get that serious face on and only continue when I was fully paying attention. She was the best teacher.

I miss how Ylaria would make me feel. I can't explain this part or put it into words really but there's a way she would make me feel when I was with her. There was a way my heart would feel after spending time with her. I would always feel happier and the night would seem more magical and the world would always seem more beautiful. I miss feeling that. I miss Ylaria.

Photo Project Day #3

2011-02-01T08:16:00.003-05:00

Day #3: A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Ok, I don't really have a favorite TV show. What I watch depends on my mood.

And, if you know me at all, you know:

1. that I don't like OTH after season 6 (hence the picture),
2. that I watch it now for the music only (Despite it's ridiculous plot-- watch out for those bridges!-- I love the soundtrack.)
3. And even though I know (and acknowledge) that it's pretty horrible, I can't stop watching it.

Besides, since I am doing this little photo project with Jennifer, this seemed like the most appropriate choice for today.

Photo Project Day #2

2011-01-31T08:26:00.003-05:00

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

Laura is my twin so OBVIOUSLY, I've known her the longest. And as one of my three amazing sisters, she's also one of my very best friends. Ever.

31 Day Photo Project

2011-01-30T20:29:00.005-05:00

I am doing this little photo project with my great friend Jennifer.

Day #1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.

1. I spoke Spanish before I spoke English.

2. I believe Dora band aids cure an injury more quickly than the regular kind.

3. My favorite way to start the day is with a Christi run. Even if it is at 4:30am.

4. I think songs are listened to best LOUDLY and I love singing along.

5. I read Pride & Prejudice at least once a year-- usually around the holidays.

6. I lived in Northern Ireland for a year. My favorite city is Belfast.

7. I love cleaning the kitchen. It's a form of therapy for me.

8. Apparently, I love crime shows.

9. I am the only left-handed person in my family.

10. I've always been a tad OCD. When I was in kindergarten, I wouldn't start my homework until my name was written "nicely".

Nighttime Magic

2011-01-28T09:15:00.003-05:00

For Ylaria

2011-01-22T23:56:00.000-05:00

Ever since Belen asked me to write this eulogy, I’ve been trying to find the words to describe Ylaria. It’s an impossible task. Words don’t exist for all that Ylaria is and for all that she means to me and to each one of us.

I have tried to put Ylaria into words a number of times before, but never quite felt like I did her justice. In the three and half years that I have known her, I could think of only one response that comes close enough: Ylaria is magic, pure magic. She is the sunshine and the stars and everything that is beautiful in this world. Her smile could light up the room; her eyes would sparkle when she laughed and you were convinced that there was nothing better than that very moment—sharing in her joy. Her happiness would stay with you for days and make you smile at the memory of it.

Ylaria lived with more life and loved with more heart in her 5 years than most people could in a 100 year old lifetime. She never complained of her illness or felt sorry for herself. She expected to be treated like everybody else and refused to accept anything less. She found joy in the simplest things. She made every moment count. The world is a better place because Ylaria was here. She is a beautiful, magical soul.

I have a hard time describing Ylaria in the past tense because it would suggest she isn’t here anymore and I can’t accept that because it simply isn’t true.

Ylaria is everywhere.

She’s in all of the pinks and all of the yellows. She is in the Dora band aids I can’t seem to stop buying (and, yes, using). She’s in the songs I listen to-- until the very end. She is in the Build-a-Bear store and all of the New York City streets I’ve walked with her on my mind. She’s in some of my most cherished moments.

Ylaria is with me always.

She is with me when I press an elevator button and when I see a mail order card in a magazine. She is with me when I walk into the Ronald McDonald House and the blood donor room at Memorial Sloan Kettering. Ylaria is with me when I remember what it feels like to rub her head or hold her hand or give a her hug. And, Ylaria is with me in every moment that I want to share with her. Wherever I am, Ylaria is too. I carry her with me into the world. Every day. Ylaria lives in my heart.

Belen and Gino, thank you so much for sharing your beautiful angel with me. Ylaria was blessed with parents who love her deeply and did everything in their power to care for her. My life was made richer by knowing Ylaria and by knowing you. Through the years you have become my family; there are simply no words for that.

Belen and Yoly, you are the best sisters that Ylaria could have ever asked for. You cuddled with her and played with her. You made her laugh when she needed it most. You love Ylaria like only sisters can. She is as much a part of you now as she ever was. And you are still a part of her; the bond you share can never be broken.

Ylaria, I could never thank you enough for all that you’ve given me. You are one of my best friends and one of my greatest teachers. You made my days better by being a part of them and you made me a better person by being my friend. You showed me how to laugh and love and live every moment. You changed my life for the better the day you came into it. My life will never be the same without you here. I will do everything I can to share your spirit with everyone I meet. This world still needs your magic. I will love you forever and always, sunshine.

Fly high, Ylaria

2011-01-16T15:10:00.001-05:00

My beautiful, wonderful, magical friend, Ylaria, earned her angel wings today.

Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ylaria

Ylaria, I miss you so much already. You changed my life in so many ways. You will be forever in my heart.

I love you,

Olivia

Here we go

2011-01-14T09:06:00.003-05:00

Ok, it's been a really long time since I have posted a real "Olivia update" (as some keep reminding me).

I can't write a long update but here's some highlights in brief:

I flew out to California last week to see Ylaria. After a week of crying many tears and being unable to sleep, it was so good to see her. We enjoyed some nice moments together. She is simply remarkable and flying across the country and back in 3 days was nothing at all for the smiles and hugs I got.

To keep my spirits up on the long plane ride (no small task), I took a Celia Rivenbark with me. I highly recommend this author because she is FUNNY. And the book actually made me laugh out loud. (This was in between crying spurts, so you can only imagine just how funny she is. So here's my advice: if you need a lift (or laugh) read some Celia Rivenbark. I guarantee it'll brighten your day, however gloomy it is.

I have volunteered to interview prospective Dartmouth students. I did my first interview earlier this week and it made me so jealous. I want to go back to Dartmouth! (Total nerd, I know.)

Hope all is well in your corner of the world.

Olivia

Eventually

2011-01-07T09:14:00.001-05:00

I will eventually get back to this blog.

For now all I can think about and all I can ask is that you continue to keep Ylaria in your thoughts and prayers.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ylaria

Today's Gratitudes

2010-12-02T08:17:00.002-05:00

Here is my gratitude list for today.

1. My mom who made me coffee today even though she no longer drinks it. It's coffee we brought back from Spain and I love it...but can't make it as well as my mom does. What a great way to start the day!

2. For my aunt, Dorita, who inspired me in so many ways and still does. If it weren't for her, I never would have had the chance to go t Dartmouth. Through the years, she sent my countless care packages and other gifts simply because she thought of me. She gave to so many without ever expecting anything in return. She was funny and loving and so much more than an aunt to me. I am so very blessed she was a part of my life for 18 years.

3. For my friend, Angela, who is my favorite book buddy...even if I make a horrible book buddy in return. Her friendship means more than I could ever put into words. Angela, thank you for sharing Christi and Shayla with me. I adore them both and am inspired by their generosity and love every single day (And yours too!)

4. For my friend, Christine. My very first friend I met at Dartmouth. (Christine, I still remember the exact moment I met you when we were walking to Convocation.) Her latest blog entry touched my soul. If you have a moment, you should visit her site and read it too: http://stuffandtuppence.blogspot.com/2010/11/gratitude.html.

5. For books. My "friends" that keep me company on my long commute to work and back. For The Economist magazine that give me a great way to keep in touch with world events when I am crunched for time and has great reporting. For the BBC news and Television Espanola because they make me feel like I am in Belfast or Spain, respectively when I watch them.

5. For Ylaria, who I get to see this weekend. And for her family. Like all of my other friends and family, they have changed my life and I can't wait to give them all a really big hug.

The Gratefulness Project

2010-11-10T08:53:00.005-05:00

I've been meaning to write an update for awhile but it's been difficult to find the right combination of words and time. When I am nowhere near a computer, the words just pop in my head and I hear myself saying what I want to share with you. And other times, I have come to this site and it feels as if the words are hiding under the covers and refuse to wake up from their nap.

But there is something I have been wanting to share (or more correctly, re-share) so I am here hoping the words do justice to the intention. As I have mentioned previously, I have been working on being more grateful and in incorporating gratefulness more fully into my life. I recently recruited my family in this endeavor and we now share daily emails which list our gratitudes for the day.

I absolutely love it. Not only does it give me a way of keeping in touch with my very favorite people, but it also gives me-- it makes me-- take time to really reflect on my own life and it's many gifts. I am so very lucky and so richly blessed. I want and need to take more time to honor the bits and pieces of my Day and my Self that makeup my life-- my "scraps of magic".

When I started sharing my gratitudes with a friend, I found it hard to think of something new every day. And on the days when I was in a bad mood, I found it difficult to share much of anything at all. Now, I find myself sharing paragraphs. I'm not just grateful for my bed, but I am grateful for how soft it is and for my new pillow and for the way it can feel cool when I get in and for the blankets that keep me warm on these chilly nights. I am grateful for the rest it gives me so that I can wake up refreshed the next morning for more Christi runs and chats in the car with Sara and mom and for a productive day at work. I've found myself acknowledging moments of gratitude to myself throughout the day as well. I am grateful for how my heart feels after a good run, for the chilly fall air on my face as I walk outside, for sound of my shoes as they hit the pavement, for the way water refreshes me when I am thirsty, for the sky and the way it makes my soul happy. Gratitude is incredibly humbling. Because I know that I did nothing to deserve any of this-- my comfortable home, good job, access to clean water, amazing family and friends. I can only be grateful for these blessings and take moments (however brief) to honor them.

And for someone who has struggled for several years with bouts of depression, I can say without hesitation that this gratitude project has given so much more in happiness. My glass is full. So very full.

Here's my gratitude list for today.

1. My mom and Sara for a great car conversation this morning and an awesome new song to listen to.

2. My job because it gives me an opportunity to contribute to the field of education in some capacity. And, I love the families I work with.

3. Sweet potatoes & broccoli rabe. I adore them. They are incredibly tasty AND so good for you!!

What's on yours?

Recommitting to the Commitment

2010-09-28T08:23:00.002-04:00

Some of you may remember my motto for 2010 from a previous post. I have to be honest, I had forgotten it for a while. But, the other day, I suddenly remembered the words and vowed to recommit to them for the remainder of the year.

"I have been waiting for so long to finally admit to myself that I am amazing, and I really am. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and they get even better when they decide to be powerful and they decide to rock." ~Girls Rock Movie

I hope you have a most amazing, beautiful and powerful day.

Message to Muslims: I’m Sorry

2010-09-21T15:38:00.003-04:00

The article below was in the NY Times recently. I just had to share it.

-----

Message to Muslims: I’m Sorry

By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF

Many Americans have suggested that more moderate Muslims should stand up to extremists, speak out for tolerance, and apologize for sins committed by their brethren.

That’s reasonable advice, and as a moderate myself, I’m going to take it. (Throat clearing.) I hereby apologize to Muslims for the wave of bigotry and simple nuttiness that has lately been directed at you. The venom on the airwaves, equating Muslims with terrorists, should embarrass us more than you. Muslims are one of the last minorities in the United States that it is still possible to demean openly, and I apologize for the slurs.

I’m inspired by another journalistic apology. The Portland Press Herald in Maine published an innocuous front-page article and photo a week ago about 3,000 local Muslims praying together to mark the end of Ramadan. Readers were upset, because publication coincided with the ninth anniversary of 9/11, and they deluged the paper with protests.

So the newspaper published a groveling front-page apology for being too respectful of Muslims. “We sincerely apologize,” wrote the editor and publisher, Richard Connor, and he added: “we erred by at least not offering balance to the story and its prominent position on the front page.” As a blog by James Poniewozik of Time paraphrased it: “Sorry for Portraying Muslims as Human.”

I called Mr. Connor, and he seems like a nice guy. Surely his front page isn’t reserved for stories about Bad Muslims, with articles about Good Muslims going inside. Must coverage of law-abiding Muslims be “balanced” by a discussion of Muslim terrorists?

Ah, balance — who can be against that? But should reporting of Pope Benedict’s trip to Britain be “balanced” by a discussion of Catholic terrorists in Ireland? And what about journalism itself?

I interrupt this discussion of peaceful journalism in Maine to provide some “balance.” Journalists can also be terrorists, murderers and rapists. For example, radio journalists in Rwanda promoted genocide.

I apologize to Muslims for another reason. This isn’t about them, but about us. I want to defend Muslims from intolerance, but I also want to defend America against extremists engineering a spasm of religious hatred.

Granted, the reason for the nastiness isn’t hard to understand. Extremist Muslims have led to fear and repugnance toward Islam as a whole. Threats by Muslim crazies just in the last few days forced a Seattle cartoonist, Molly Norris, to go into hiding after she drew a cartoon about Muhammad that went viral.

And then there’s 9/11. When I recently compared today’s prejudice toward Muslims to the historical bigotry toward Catholics, Mormons, Jews and Asian-Americans, many readers protested that it was a false parallel. As one, Carla, put it on my blog: “Catholics and Jews did not come here and kill thousands of people.”

That’s true, but Japanese did attack Pearl Harbor and in the end killed far more Americans than Al Qaeda ever did. Consumed by our fears, we lumped together anyone of Japanese ancestry and rounded them up in internment camps. The threat was real, but so were the hysteria and the overreaction.

Radicals tend to empower radicals, creating a gulf of mutual misunderstanding and anger. Many Americans believe that Osama bin Laden is representative of Muslims, and many Afghans believe that the Rev. Terry Jones (who talked about burning Korans) is representative of Christians.

Many Americans honestly believe that Muslims are prone to violence, but humans are too complicated and diverse to lump into groups that we form invidious conclusions about. We’ve mostly learned that about blacks, Jews and other groups that suffered historic discrimination, but it’s still O.K. to make sweeping statements about “Muslims” as an undifferentiated mass.

In my travels, I’ve seen some of the worst of Islam: theocratic mullahs oppressing people in Iran; girls kept out of school in Afghanistan in the name of religion; girls subjected to genital mutilation in Africa in the name of Islam; warlords in Yemen and Sudan who wield AK-47s and claim to be doing God’s bidding.

But I’ve also seen the exact opposite: Muslim aid workers in Afghanistan who risk their lives to educate girls; a Pakistani imam who shelters rape victims; Muslim leaders who campaign against female genital mutilation and note that it is not really an Islamic practice; Pakistani Muslims who stand up for oppressed Christians and Hindus; and above all, the innumerable Muslim aid workers in Congo, Darfur, Bangladesh and so many other parts of the world who are inspired by the Koran to risk their lives to help others. Those Muslims have helped keep me alive, and they set a standard of compassion, peacefulness and altruism that we should all emulate.

I’m sickened when I hear such gentle souls lumped in with Qaeda terrorists, and when I hear the faith they hold sacred excoriated and mocked. To them and to others smeared, I apologize.

Christi

2010-09-19T17:02:00.003-04:00

Today marks four years since Christi gained her wings. I can't believe it's been that long. And while I talk/write/think about Christi often, I wanted to take a moment, on this day especially, to honor this remarkable soul, Christi Thomas.

I "met" Christi in the winter of 2003, a few months after she had been diagnosed. I adored her from the start. Can I be honest? One of the very first things I loved about Christi was her love for school. I remember her mom talking about how much Christi loved school and learning and reading. And I thought to myself: "Oh my goodness!!! There is someone else out there in the world like me!!! She just gets it!!!" (And yes, the exclamation points are no exaggeration. I was that excited.) There was also the little fact that her birthday was the day before mine. And that was just the beginning.

It took only a short time to realize that Christi had not only a brilliant mind, but she also had a most beautiful soul. Christi was known for saying, "I'm not sick, I just have cancer." She held lemonade stands to benefit Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, blood drives to raise awareness about the importance of blood/platelet donations and she always comforted the other children undergoing cancer treatment-- by reading them stories, giving them homemade gifts or helping them decorate their hospital rooms. Christi lived with a mind full of wonder, a heart full of love and a soul full of faith.

I was inspired. I still am. A friend said to me today, "I hope you're having a very Christi day!" And as I was sitting here trying to figure out how best to honor Christi on her "angelversary", I realized that every day is a Christi day. Knowing Christi changed my life and shaped so much of what I do and who I am. I wake up (almost) every morning to go for a "Christi" run. My 4:30am madness where I get myself out of bed and on the treadmill and imagine her next to me as I prepare for my next Christi Thomas Memorial Run. On mornings when I am feeling particularly lazy, I picture her whispering into my ear: "You need to get up NOW! You can do this." And, she's always right. If she, and so many other brave warriors, could wake up each day and fight childhood cancer, then I can get up every morning to train for a race to raise money in her honor. Because of Christi I am now a regular platelet donor at MSKCC and I started volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House as well; it's where I met Ylaria. Through Christi I have met the most beautiful people who are now some of my dearest friends-- her family, Jennifer, Traci, Lisa, Irene, Shirley, Ylaria.

My life has been deeply blessed because of Christi. And while I have said bits and pieces of this in some way, shape or form in the past, I felt the need to honor Christi here today, to share her here with you, to put into words all that she means to me. And to thank her, for all of the moments she has inspired.

FALL!!!

2010-09-16T08:56:00.003-04:00

Ok, I know I have been delinquent lately. I sort of forgot I had a blog (or more to the point that I need to post on it) and I sort of didn't know what to write about.

I have been doing well. It's starting to feel like Fall here in NYC and I am so excited. I love the Fall. I love feeling the cooler air on my face and the way the leaves crunch under your feet and how everything just feels so much crisper. Not to mention the yummy foods like pumpkin and squash and apples and lentil stew. Tasty! I also love how Fall, for a reason I can't quite put my finger on, makes me feel a little more like a kid. Maybe it's the Halloween thing. And the "the holidays are coming" thing. The point is, I love Fall.

And this Fall is full of fun things! I am running in my 4th Annual Christi Run which will raise money for one of my very, very, very favorite organizations: Kids Cancer Crusade. I have been training a lot for this run and really trying to get in good shape for it. I know you'll think I'm nuts when I tell you that I get up at 4:30am to run on the treadmill, but I love it. I call it my "Christi time" and having that perspective really does make all the difference. I couldn't ask for a better running buddy at 4:30am.

I am also SUPER (and I do mean SUPER) excited about my Halloween weekend plans to visit my friend, C. A weekend with one of my best friends is always great and I am looking forward to our NCIS discussions, baking, outdoor hikes/walks and haunted prison adventure. We're even planning on going trick-or-treating! Could a girl really ask for more?? (C. has young siblings, so it's completely acceptable to trick-or-treat. When you're little you need adult supervision. Apparently, I qualify.)

And, of course, the Fall would not be complete without the annual Nunez family apple-picking trip.

I've got loads to look forward to. I hope you're all doing well and making some fun Fall plans of your own!

~ Olivia

Be Happy

2010-09-01T21:28:00.002-04:00

I absolutely love this video. What a beautiful message. I've watched it over and over today and every single time it feels like a giant hug.

Because September is a month for GOLD

2010-08-29T11:40:00.002-04:00

September is the month of the gold ribbon. September is childhood cancer awareness month.

Did you know that?

46 children are diagnosed with cancer each day in the US. Forty-Six.

Seven children die from cancer every day. Seven.

In the US, cancer is responsible for more deaths among children than any other disease; more deaths than asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis and AIDS combined.

Did you know that?

I have to be honest, I didn’t.

Not until my brother became one of the 46. And later, one of the seven. Since Manny died, approximately 251,000 children have been diagnosed and 38,000 have died. 251,000 children whose lives have been forever changed. 38,000 children who will never get to blow out birthday candles, or wish on stars, or hug their parents. 38,000 empty spaces at the dinner table, 38,000 dreams undreamt.

Since Manny died, childhood cancer awareness has become a cause which I care about deeply. It’s why I am here today. Once again, asking you for help.

In recognition of this month, of the children lost and those still fighting, my cousin, friends and I are going to be holding on fundraiser on Friday, September 24^th at the West 5 Supper Club in Hoboken, NJ (505 Madison Street) from 9-11pm. There will be a $40 cover charge, 50% which will be donated to Kids Cancer Crusade. KCC provides a network of much needed support and love for children with cancer and their families. All children in treatment (& siblings) receive care packages full of cute hats, clothes and fun games. Parents are sent gas and food gift cards to help them with their expenses while their children are in treatment. Kids Cancer Crusade is simply an amazing organization that helps bring in the sunshine in some of the darkest moments. (www.kidscancercrusade.org)

By raising funds and awareness, we can let these families know that they are not alone. Let’s make September a time for action. Because there is simply no more time to wait.

Please join us on Friday, September 24^th if you can! There will be open bar, a raffle, and a great time for an amazing cause. I hope to see you there!

As always, thank you so much for all of your amazing support!

With love & hope,

Olivia

PS- If you can't come, but would like to make a donation, please visit my fundraising page at: http://www.active.com/donate/christirun2010 (It's for my October Christi Memorial run but all funds go to KCC too.)

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

2010-08-12T12:35:00.002-04:00

I am leaving for Spain today. To Tebra, specifically. A small village where my dad was raised.

It means 10 days of no cell phone, internet, or mail. I am really looking forward to the unplug.

See you all soon!

Olivia

PS- Please continue to keep Ylaria in your thoughts and prayers. Today they meet with the doctors to discuss her latest scans. Let's hope for some good news. Because, without hope, there is no hope.

Saying Manny's name

2010-08-02T16:51:00.013-04:00

Yesterday was Manny's birthday. He would have been 30. Thirty. I can't even imagine it. I can't picture Manny at any other age than 14. I'm always 11. He's always 14. My brain can't wrap itself around 30. At. All. I'm not sure it ever will.

Every time Manny's birthday rolls around, I always want to do something to honor him. Something special to mark his day. In years past I've made banana milkshakes (he taught me) or baked his favorite cake (chocolate with vanilla frosting). This year, I could think of only one way to best celebrate him-- I spent the afternoon stringing the sky onto lanyards. I think he approved. He was, after all, the artist in the family. I pictured him up in Heaven stringing the sky blue and white and pink and gold with Erin. It was comforting to imagine us engaged in the same activity, even if we were so far apart.

I mentioned my lanyard afternoon to Vickie, and she responded with a question that has left me thinking all day. "When did it get easier to talk to my friends about Manny?"

The truth is I struggle with talking about Manny (out loud or in my head). As I said to a friend late last night (as I lay in bed unable to sleep, my mind still busy trying to wrap itself around 30) if I have to be really honest, I don't let myself think about Manny too much. Most of the time, I just can't, I just don't, let him become too real. I can write about things he did, or talk about his illness, I can picture his smile in my mind but only for a short while. And then, I have to make myself stop. Because when I don't stop, when I keep remembering, he becomes more than just the words I am saying or the moments I am recalling. He becomes my Manny. He is then so real that it's almost like I can see his face directly in front of mine, and I can hear his laughter in my ear, and I can feel the way he used to hug me all soft from his baggy clothes and strong from the bear hugs we'd share. And then the moment is gone and I feel like I've lost him all over again. And my heart breaks just the littlest bit.

And saying out loud: "I have a brother. His name is Manny and he died when he was 14 of AML" leaves me feeling so much more vulnerable. Saying the words out loud makes the loss more real. The words hang in the air and I wait for whomever I am speaking them to to catch them and do something with all of their weight. To be honest, conversations about my brother never go much beyond that sentence. After the awkward pause where my brain is screaming to fill the silence whomever I am speaking to will say they are so sorry and we'll move onto more "acceptable" topics like the weather or last night's episode of Glee. No one likes to linger on death. Especially the death of a child.

I am however, blessed with friends who don't mind the silence. Who take the time to ask me about Manny. They ask me what he was like and what I miss most. I appreciate those questions. When it's not about how he died, but how he lived.

I am most comfortable sharing Manny out loud with friends who have experienced the pediatric cancer world and who have lost loved ones too. Maybe it's just because we're all (against our will) part of the same very crappy club, but I feel less vulnerable (and alone) when I say: "I have a brother. His name is Manny and he died when he was 14 of AML" because I know they have their own version of the same sentence to share.

And I am more certain that when I tell them that he died 15 years ago they'll understand that I don't mean I've spent most of my life without a brother, but rather that I've spent most of my life missing my brother and trying endlessly to carry him with me into the world.

Happy 30th Birthday, Manny

2010-08-01T19:53:00.003-04:00

Here's to...
listening to crickets at dusk,
big wet kisses & warm bear hugs,
a stuffed monkey named James,
banana milkshakes,
chocolate cake with vanilla frosting,
rolling a 1 every time it's your turn at Clue,
BonJovi's "Always" & Mariah Carey's "Hero",
playing basketball in the backyard after school,
hearing footsteps in the attic late at night,
running out of chocolate covered "critters",
finding the best Christmas tree,
breaking a plate as you set the table,
a mouth full of foamy toothpaste,
decorating the Halloween pumpkin,
walking back from the bus stop,
leaving cookies in the oven for two days,
bandanas & baseball caps,
an old closet door that means something,
simply coming home.
Here's to Manny.

Written by me (~2004)

Running for Christi 2010

2010-07-30T22:36:00.006-04:00

As I have done in years past, I will once again be running in memory of Christi this October.

Running has become somewhat of a therapy for me, a refuge of sorts. The last few months have been difficult. Running has helped me deal with some of my stress and sadness. And since I've started these Christi runs four years ago, it's also something that I do very much with Christi in mind (and heart). I carry her spirit with me in this way.

I run for Christi because it's a way I have found to share her name with others, to keep her memory alive in the world, and to thank her. I owe Christi so much. If it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have been so persistent about volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House (and as a result would never have met Ylaria), I would never have gotten to know Jennifer, the founder of Kids Cancer Crusade, or Christi's family who I now count among my dearest friends. I would never have really known what neuroblastoma was or become so passionate about raising awareness of this devastating disease. I would never have found the courage and comfort I have now to talk as openly about my brother. In many ways, Christi brought me closer to Manny. For this most especially, I am incredibly grateful.

All of the money raised in this year's run will be donated to Kids Cancer Crusade, an organization created in honor of Christi. KCC provides a network of much needed support and love for children with cancer and their families. KCC currently serves 111 children and their families. Of the 111, 30 have earned their angel wings. Thirty. All children in treatment (& siblings) receive care packages full of cute hats, clothes and fun games.Parents are sent gas and food gift cards to help them with their expenses while their children are in treatment. Jennifer even accompanies some of the children in her area to their chemo appointments. Through KCC's work, Jennifer is ensuring that Christi is never forgotten. Kids Cancer Crusade is simply an amazing organization that helps bring in the sunshine in some of the darkest moments.

Whatever amount that you give, if anything at all, just know that in giving you are giving a piece of Christi to someone else. Someone who may have never even known her. And in sharing her spirit in this way, she lives on. (You can donate here: http://www.active.com/donate/christirun2010)

To learn more about KCC's amazing work, please visit: http://kidscancercrusade.org/.

Thank you so much for all of your support, it is greatly appreciated!

I love you,

Olivia

Books

2010-07-27T20:57:00.001-04:00

Did I tell you I read The Help recently and absolutely loved it?? Well, I did.

Now, I am on the search for more great summer reads. Any suggestions??

Numbers

2010-07-22T17:56:00.004-04:00

I saw this on Facebook today and just had to share it here.

Because, if you're not aware, it's time to be. There is no more time to wait.

That's 46 kids in the picture. They were chosen totally randomly today. We don't know why.

All happy, healthy, athletic, having fun, goofing around, innocent. They will be diagnosed with cancer today. Forty-Six.

And tomorrow. And the day after. All through next week. All month. All year. Ad infinitum.

Until we stop it.

Look again. Totally randomly, pick 7; black, white, boy, girl, 2 years old, 20 years old. It doesn't matter. That's the number of children who will die from cancer today. Seven.

And tomorrow. And the day after. All through next week. All month. All year. Ad infinitum.

Until we stop it.

When you read the statistics, when you see the numbers, NEVER EVER forget that those numbers have NAMES...faces full of love, moms & dads, brothers & sisters, friends & families, hopes & dreams...futures.

Help us stop it. Now.

Join PAC2.

About an update

2010-07-20T12:05:00.003-04:00

I keep thinking I should update but I can't seem to find the words (or energy) to find anything meaningful to say these days. It's not to say that there is nothing meaningful to write about because there is but the words elude me. Part of it, I know, is because there simply are no words for it all. For Manny and Christi and Kayla and Matty and Liam and Erin and Sydney and the so very many angels we've lost.

But I don't want this to be a depressing update and I don't want to just focus on the sadness here. Because, as we know, in times like these, that doesn't help. We need to verb. So I am training for a 10K run in October to raise funds for Kids Cancer Crusade and I'm lanyarding with my mom to help support the Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation through Erin's Lanyards. I'm also planning on volunteering at Camp Sunshine this fall/winter. If you're interested in joining me for any or all of these events, please let me know! I'll be sharing more information on the 4th Annual Christi Run soon.

It's all about the verbs really. They are keeping me sane and giving me hope.

Kayla

2010-06-18T09:31:00.002-04:00

Today, if you are reading this blog, I ask that you take a minute to stop by Kayla's website and offer a message of comfort and love to Kayla's family as she nears the end of her journey.

Kayla, I love you.

Poof!!..Another 365 days

2010-05-13T21:17:00.002-04:00

"Life places another year in your hands and poof! You are granted 365 more sunrises, 52 more Sunday afternoons, one big, beautiful year filled with opportunities to eat ice cream, smile for no reason, take a day off, [& see the beauty in the sky]. One more year of the simple, the satisfying experiences that make a life. May it be a good one"

I found this quote on a birthday card I sent my sister one year when I was in college (I added the sky part). I loved it so much that I wrote it down and kept it for myself too. Because it's important to remember to appreciate the "poof!" Life is beautiful and wonderful and awesome and amazing and full. If we let it be. I think I do a pretty good job if loving my life. It can be hard. It can be sad. But the sorrow is what makes us appreciate the joy. The joy is what causes our sorrow. In the words of the great Khalil Gibran,

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with our tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

My heart is full of love. I had the most amazing day. It's nothing I did exactly. It's just the way it was spent-- with people I love, laughing, reading, relaxing, eating chocolate, being, smiling. It was a good day, a great day.

Thank you to everyone for sharing it with me in some way. You are amazing. I am who I am because of you. Because at one point or another our paths crossed and you changed me. Here's to another 365 days of all of the love and laughter and living my heart can hold.

~Olivia

Today

2010-05-11T22:06:00.003-04:00

Ylaria left NYC today. It was hard. Really hard. Part of me knows that she's on her way to Vermont and there is still hope. (Without hope there is no hope, right?)

But most of me was so terribly sad. And here I have to shamefully admit that I was sad for myself. because I didn't get to say goodbye. I saw Ylaria on Saturday and we had a great time. There was a puppet show that wasn't, checkers, pictures, cereal, band aids, laughs. It was great. I loved every minute. But, I didn't realize it would be the last time. And so today, when I read they were leaving for Vermont and I realized there was no way for me to see her just one last time here, my heart hurt. But that's how the heart works, I suppose. It always just wants one more hug, one more moment, one more love. Always. I know that too well.

I'm not saying I'll never see Ylaria again. I know I may. I am not giving up hope of a miracle, but I have to admit that today, the darkness was heavy and I didn't see this light until now. It was just so very hard. I'm not apologizing for that. I'm not even asking anyone to understand how I felt. How much it hurt. I can't apologize for any of it.

But I am breathing a little easier now. I watched my favorite episode of Grey's with Laura (the Christmas one in season 2, if you must know), ate some ice cream and took a warm bath. My heart is feeling more hope than pain at the moment.

Tomorrow is going to be great. It's going to be magical. Because it would have been Christi's 13th birthday and I plan on honoring her spirit as only she would want me to-- with love and laughter and hope. And lots of books, of course.

Nothing

2010-05-08T11:34:00.003-04:00

I can't promise this update is going to make sense. I doubt it will because I started reading Ylaria's update and I got up to the part about the scans being worse and my brain stopped working. Completely. And right now I am in that space where I feel nothing and I think nothing.

Well, that's not entirely true. I have a confession. A really, really painful one. I feel guilt. And I think that I could have done more, but I didn't. Sometimes I was too tired or there was too much work or I wasn't feeling well. But when I suddenly realize the end might be nearer than I think, I start wondering why I didn't just suck it up and get less sleep, or leave work earlier or maybe that I wasn't sick and it would have been ok. People think I am nice and caring and giving. The reality is that I am selfish and I do what I want when I want to. And there were times when I could have done more and I didn't.

I want to be this better version of myself and so many times I fail. So very many. And I don't even really know what Ylaria's update even means because my brain can't process so many words but all I can think is that I didn't do enough for her while she was here in NY. And now she's going to Vermont or to California, I don't even know, and I am so incredibly sad. There's a chicken bone in my throat and I can't breathe. I feel so lost. I feel so nothing.

Congrats, Jennifer

2010-05-07T13:53:00.005-04:00

My very amazing friend, Jennifer, is graduating from nursing school today. She was inspired to become a pediatric oncology nurse because of Christi.

While in high school, Jennifer started Kids Cancer Crusade, a nonprofit organization that helps children with cancer and their families. Jennifer sends care packages to the children, hosts amazing fundraising events and outings for the children and provides a vital network of support for families facing their worst nightmares. If you're looking for a worthy organization to contribute to, Kids Cancer Crusade is certainly worth it. Recently, I hand delivered a KCC package to Ylaria and the smile on her face was priceless.

In addition to her incredibly giving spirit and loving heart, Jennifer is one of my best friends. Jennifer, I honestly don't know without the daily texts, IMing, and girly gossip. Who else understands my OTH obsession?? All kidding aside, I can't tell you how much your friendship has meant to me since we were first "introduced" by Christi. You've helped keep my brother's spirit alive. And you were there to let me cry and remember on so many occasions. I'd be lost without you.

So, congratulations today. I know you'll be one of the most amazing pediatric oncology nurses. Ever.

Just stay clear of those Wal-Mart, psychos, k? (I'm working on my boxing skills, but I'd rather not have to use them.)

Until the next text,
Olivia

MAY!

2010-05-06T17:29:00.004-04:00

OK, it's May. I am excited. Why? Several reasons.

1. May means Spring. I love Spring.

2. It's my birthday month!! I can't get into how I am going to be 27 in exactly a week. (Most of the time I still feel like I have the maturity of a 17 year old!) But I love birthdays. And what's a better birthday to honor than your very own!?!?!?!

3. May also holds loads of other awesome birthdays. Christi (May 12), Ylaria (May 14), Lisa (May 24) and Belen (May 29) to name but a few.

4. I am going to Shenandoah on my birthday weekend to spend a few days in the National Park with my awesome, amazing, wonderful friend C. We'll hike, horseback ride, eat cookies, read books and have a generally amazing time.

5. I am participating in a Mother's Day Run on Mother's Day with my mom and sisters to raise funds for babies in medical emergencies. A great cause, good workout and special time with my favorite girls.

That's all for now. More later. I promise! I hope you are doing well and enjoying the sunshine. The sky has been beautiful lately. Don't forget to stop and watch the clouds go by.

A really awesome update

2010-04-29T12:17:00.002-04:00

I have to keep this short because I am at work and have so much to do it's kind of insane. BUT, I had to share some great news with you!

It looks like Ylaria has responded well to the chemo. She is out of the hospital now and back at the Ronald McDonald House. The doctors still have to scan again to see what exactly is going on with the disease, but she is up and walking with the help of a walker and is no longer complaining of constant leg pain. I have to be honest, I don't really know what this means for her prognosis, but it's been an awesome (and I'll say, miraculous) change from only three weeks ago. For more info, you can visit her website. Thanks so much again for all of your support, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it and how much I love all of you. You are awesome!!

Work is going. We're in our busy season now so I am working a lot. (Can I just say that a 6 day work week is no fun?) Though, I was just told I don't need to come in this Saturday so I am completely excited. I have no idea what I am going to do just yet, but I am trying to think of something!

In one of my last emails, I mentioned Erin's Lanyard project . My mom's school student council (She is a teacher in a middle school) has gotten involved and will be selling lanyards for the rest of the school year to benefit childhood cancer research (specifically, neuroblastoma-- the cancer Erin and Christi had and that Ylaria is currently battling). How awesome is that??? There are also some plans in the works for a bigger event next September. (September is pediatric cancer awareness month). I am making lanyards at home and it is super, super fun. (Well, minus the one time I was finishing one up (ie- tying it up) and ALL of the little clear glass beads fell all over the floor. I was not deterred however, and spent a good hour picking them up and redoing the lanyard. But it's all for a good cause, right? And it taught me patience, not to mention testing my vision. All good.)

And, this is a bit short notice-- I am so sorry, I have been horrible at keeping up with email these days! If you're free tomorrow and want to go to a Happy Hour for a great cause, please see below. (I plan on going so let me know if you can join me! And, no this is not the fundraiser I mentioned in an earlier email. But, you can never have too many happy hours, am I right?) Also, if you want to volunteer or participate in the Walk on Saturday, May 8th, please let me know. I'll be there! :p

Come to Happy Hour at The Turtle Bay (52nd & 2nd Ave) on this Friday, April 30th, from 6-9 pm, to help raise money for "Kids Walk for Kids with Cancer" and support pediatric research at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center! Enjoy 1/2 priced drinks and food specials 6-9 pm with the purchase of a $10 wristband, and we'll also raffle off several great items -- 100% of wristband and raffle proceeds will be used for research to help kids with cancer. On arrival just tell the host you are there for the Kids Walk or give the name Michelle, and you'll be directed to our area. All are welcome, so please spread the word!!

PS- see www.kidswalkforkidswithcancer.org for all info about the Walk, which is on Saturday, May 8

Today's Top Five

2010-04-25T20:04:00.002-04:00

1. I made my very first Erin lanyard. It was soooo fun. My mom and I are planning a trip to the crafts store tomorrow for more supplies. Yay!

2. I cleaned my room. Full out spring cleaning. It feels great to be so organized. And strange as it sounds, I love cleaning.

3. I relaxed. After a very busy, busy week at work, it was nice having a day where I didn't have to set an alarm and I could just do whatever I wanted.

4. I spent time with my family. While we didn't do anything out of this world, I enjoyed talking, catching up, watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and making lanyards together.

5. I woke up!

Weekend Update

2010-04-18T21:22:00.004-04:00

My weekend went by way too quickly. (This happens most especially when I have to work on Saturday.) Saturday was a busy, busy day from the moment I woke up. (Can I add here that I wake up to my ipod-- I have one of those nifty ipod radio thingys that you can use as an alarm and I wake up to my favorite song "Bloody Nose" by Earlimart. It makes getting up more fun when your favorite tune is playing.)

For those of you who read my Facebook page, I DID get up at 4:30am (well, it was probably more like 4:45am by the time I stopped hitting snooze...) I ran on the treadmill. It was awesome. I have to say that it really changes why I do things when I put them in the right terms. Running at 4:45am for example. Anyone else would say this is insane (and it very well might be). And when the alarm goes off playing my favorite song, sometimes I just want to shut it off and sleep for another hour. But then I think to my Self, "I am running for Christi." And suddenly, it's nothing at all to get up at 4:45am. Because Christi is there with me and that makes all the difference.

After my run, I got ready for another day at work. (For those of you who may not know, I work for a small academic and social service nonprofit in NYC called the GO Project. During the school year, we run programming on Saturdays-- thus the going to work part. I put together a small bagel and coffee breakfast to thank our volunteer tutors for all of their hard work this year. And, despite the early hour it was a lot of fun getting to talk to them about fun things like Celia Rivenbark (if you have not read her work, you MUST. Her weekly humor column is the best start to my Monday), magazines, living in NYC (Shayla and Angela, we did not talk about the financial part of it, just who lives where.) Jennifer, we also talked about North Carolina because it turns out one of our volunteers is originally from there. And, OF COURSE, I had to be a complete dork and mention OTH. Duh.

After work, I went to donate platelets at MSKCC. I love donating platelets there. When they let me. See, I have this thing with my iron being horrible. (Your iron level needs to be 12.5 in order to be eligible for donation. I can't tell you how many times they've had to tell me I can't donate. If there were an award for most deferred donor, I would totally win. Every year. I am anything if not persistent.) Being a vegetarian-- or quasi as I say, since I do on very rare occasions eat meat and I still eat fish, it's been a little tricky keeping my iron and especially my B12 levels up. But, I am trying. It's a good thing I like broccoli and broccoli rabe and spinach so much! (Popeye would be proud.) Anyway, back to my platelet story. As Angela, can attest, my last donation did not go well. At. All. Basically, I moved my arm and the needle in my arm did something funky and the blood was no longer going where it needed to but pooling in my arm. Gross. Needless to say, I passed out. Embarrassing. So, given my last visit to the MSKCC donor room, I was a little (or a lot) nervous. Fortunately, my iron level just made it coming in at 12.5 and it all went rather well from there.

From the MSKCC donor room, I went up to the pediatric inpatient unit to visit Ylaria. It made my day to see her. She was up and walking with her walker for the first time in nearly a month. She was happy and chatty. She even read one of her school books to me (She is four and reading, how amazing is that?!?!). We watched some Disney movies (Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite solely for the library. I adore that library.) I chatted with Belen, Ylaria's mom. I spent a great 5 hours with them. It was the best way to end my Saturday.

People have asked me why I do "this" (whatever "this" is). Why I visit Ylaria now that the prognosis is so bleak. And my answer is this: They are my family. I've known them since 2007 when they first arrived in NYC shortly after Ylaria was diagnosed. I can't leave now. I won't leave now. You don't get to pick and choose the people you fall in love with. The people that come into your lives. It just happens. They just do. God works magic and your paths cross. Our paths crossed and I've embraced the magic.

If you're reading this, I hope you had an amazing weekend. I hope you filled it with verbs and love and magic. Those are the best days. I know because I've lived them.

(Ylaria with her book. No wonder we're such great friends!)

Kids Cancer Crusade: Get Inspired

2010-04-16T20:22:00.006-04:00

I took a Kids Cancer Crusade care package to Ylaria yesterday. After a day of tough therapy and feeling "yucky" it really brought a smile to her face. She looooved opening all of the gifts and deciding which were for her and which she would share with her sisters. It was amazing to see what a little love in a box could do to brighten her spirits. Are you looking for a way to make a sick child smile? Visit http://kidscancercrusade.org/ for more information!

I am in the process of putting together some exciting projects to support Kids Cancer Crusade. Once I have more information, I promise to share. :o)

For now, I leave you with some pictures. Jennifer, thank you so much for all that you do. You've brightened so many dark days with your love.