Christmas Lights

Colored Christmas lights remind me of my brother. Did I ever tell you that? I saw a picture of colored Christmas lights flash across my screen a moment ago and all of a sudden, my heart hurt. Because I miss Manny.

I told you once that I try not to think about my brother too much because it's too hard. The truth is that sometimes, like right now, I spend a lot of time trying to remember him, trying to make him more real in my mind because he feels so very far away. Colored Christmas lights help. I see them and I remember our last Christmas together. I remember decorating the house and how Manny convinced my dad to put up more lights that we ever had. I remember how excited he was and how he led the charge on where they would all go. I remember how he laughed. I remember how he joked. I remember him. And, I love the remembering. For all that it can be sad. For all that I can then sit, seeing a random picture of colored Christmas lights and feel my heart hurt from missing him so much.

I doubt this post will make sense to very many reading it. It must sound strange and definitely depressing. It's hard to explain the point of this writing at all. It's  not meant to be sad. I am ok with admitting I feel sad thinking of my brother; it's my reality. I suppose, the point is that I thought of Manny just now and I wanted to share in my remembering. I want to share and need to share because it's all I have left now- moments like this one where I sit and remember and Manny is so very here with me that I can practically feel him sitting next to me.

Manny, I loved seeing the colored Christmas lights with you. Thank you for giving me that moment.

An update

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been making some changes to my diet. While not down to 100% yet, I have for the most part I have taken gluten, dairy, processed sugar, and processed foods out of my diet. I have even stopped drinking coffee this week. It really hasn't been that hard (with the exception of today when I went to happy hour with some coworkers). I have felt so much better. I am still having a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep...as the time of this post might indicate, but I am working on that.

I am going to work tomorrow for a bit and then to my Coro leadership class. After that, I am heading home to Whitestone to hang out with the family. We might go wine tasting on Sunday which would be fun!

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Olivia

I'm back!

It's been quite some time since I have posted on this blog! Several family members have been bugging me to post and I finally found the combination of time and motivation to do it. I am also about to embark on another "project" (to be discussed at the end of this post) which will require regular updates for at least the next few weeks.

I had a really great weekend with my family. On Saturday, we went bridesmaids dress shopping for Ana's wedding (next May!). It was a lot of fun. As with any Nunez excursion, the trip could not be complete without some food. After dress shopping for the bridesmaids (dress found!) and for the mother of the bride (currently debating between 2 great options!), we went to get some food.

I am really lucky- I have the best family ever. It doesn't matter what we are doing- we always have a great time just being together. So when there was no table for us, we gathered at the bar, shared some appetizers and toasted to Ana.(We asked the bartender to take this picture). Next weekend, I am going back for more family fun; this time, apple picking!

As for that "project" I mentioned earlier. I am doing this detox/cleanse/healthy eating thing for 3 weeks (in the beginning prep stages for the aforementioned wedding). My cousin, Cristina, shared an interesting detox plan with me a few months ago that I really want to try. I think it's interesting how the body responds to different foods and am eager to try this plan for a few weeks. It requires eliminating a lot of common allergens/sensitivities (such as gluten, some nuts, dairy, and sugar). It will definitely be a challenge, but I am (oddly) excited for it. Plus, it's only for 3 weeks- so it's not forever!

More tomorrow. I hope you all had an awesome weekend!

Olivia

An Ylaria Letter

Dear Ylaria,

I am going to Bakersfield soon. I am so excited for the visit that I have already packed my suitcase. I can't wait to see your mom and give her a big hug, and to laugh at how silly your dad can be, and to go to a bookstore and read with Belen, and to play with Yoly. I know you'll be with me throughout this trip too. When I was writing these vacation dates in my calendar, I wrote "YLARIA TRIP". Because that's how I still think of it.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I was feeling sorry for myself earlier because I hurt my foot and I haven't been able to run in months. And then I saw this picture your mom had of you running for the last time and I knew it was your way of telling me to stop being such a baby. If you could fight like you did, I can get through a few months with a fractured foot. You still inspire me. Every day. (And, you still put me in my place when I need it!)

Tonight, I found myself remembering my last trip to Vermont to see you. I am not sure what exactly sparked the memory, really, but all of a sudden, I remembered making gingerbread houses together. I miss making gingerbread houses. I was in CVS the other day and I saw all of this Easter stuff. It reminded me of the last time I was in CVS getting things for your Easter basket. I miss that too. I just miss you. I am ok with admitting that. I can miss you and still be happy. I can miss you and still laugh at how ridiculous things are or how silly I am. I carry you with me in everything I do and most of the time, I am happy, and I laugh, and I work, and I have fun. But sometimes, like tonight, I sit in bed and my heart hurts from missing you, and the selfish parts of me see only the empty spaces that I long for you to fill again. And, I am ok with acknowledging that too.

I am going to get some sleep now. Thanks for listening and for being my friend. Thank you for sharing your family with me. You gave me more than you'll ever know.

Love & hugs,

Olivia

It's been a long time...

I have not written in a very, very, very long time (or so it feels). The lapse was not intentional. To be honest, work has been increasingly busy and I haven't really found many things to write about.

I can't believe it's March already. That said, I realized that this has been the first March I really didn't struggle with at all. March 1st came and I found ways to honor Manny. I miss him. I always miss him. But, for this year at least, I did not wake up hating the month. It's progress. Manny would be proud,

I have not run in months, sadly. I injured my left ankle pretty seriously a few months ago and the doctors think it will take another 6 weeks for it to heal. Not running has not been easy. At. All. I love running. I miss my morning "Christi runs" and feeling my feet pound the pavement. I miss walking without pain. I really can't walk these days either. It's a test in patience. I am slowly learning.

I have been reading some great books lately. I read all of the Hunger Games books, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and the White Racial Frame. I would recommend all of them. Have you read any good books lately?

I'll do my best to update more regularly.

Olivia

Another Day, Another Memory

A year ago today, I was flying out to see Ylaria for one last magic Ylaria moment.

It's crazy how quickly time flies and how it seems to stand still all at once. Sometimes, I feel like I've just come back from a visit at the Ronald and on others it feels like a lifetime since I've hugged her.

Today, with Ylaria so much on my mind, I want to share a favorite photo. I think I love it so much because she's smiling (it almost looks like she and she's walking, and she's in NYC. Now, when I imagine Ylaria in Heaven, I see her full of this energy and excitement. Most likely chasing after my brother or getting into some kind of mischief. Every time I see this picture, I am happy because Ylaria is happy. Every time I see this photo, I feel like I am on my way to see her here in NYC. My Ylaria visits were my favorite time of day. I am deeply thankful for all of the magic moments and memories I have stored in my heart.

Here's wishing you a magical Wednesday.