Fall

Hi Everyone.

I love the fall. I really do. I love the crispness in the air, the smell of the fallen leaves, the warm of hot tea or cider. I love eating soup and going apple-picking. I really love the fall. As I said once before, the fall reminds me so much of Manny.

Some people think it's sad when I say things like this. It's not sad for me. It's not sad for me to remember my brother. I am so grateful for these moments. For the chilly wind that makes me remember when I would see him walking home from the bus stop, for the crunch of the leaves that reminds me of times when we would be playing basketball outside, for the fall decorations that bring back Halloweens and Thanksgivings and all of those everyday autumn rituals that we so often take for granted because we never really imagine that they could end. I am grateful for my memories. I like to believe that when I am remembering Manny in these moments, he is remembering me too, and for an instant, we are doing something together again.

Nothing much

It's been another of those long stretches in my posting. I have found it hard to find the time and things to write about lately.

To be honest, work takes up the overwhelming majority of my time and by the time I have a moment for other things, the idea of sitting down in front of a computer and writing proves challenging.

I will be writing more soon. I am working on some new "projects" that may prove interesting. They are in the self-improvement vein so I who knows...

I will keep you posted. In the meantime, I hope you are all well. What would you be interested in reading about?

Olivia

Honoring Ylaria

"They left me with your shadow, saying things like Life is not fair & I believed them for a long time. But today, I remembered the way you laughed & the heat of your hand in mine & I knew that life is more fair than we can ever imagine if we are there to live it" ~ StoryPeople

I do not like January 16th, not at all. Because ever since Ylaria flew away, January 16th reminds me of how very unfair life can be. I was thinking that tonight as I was walking home and shedding some tears. I miss my little best friend. And then, I remembered this quote, and I knew Ylaria was trying to send me a message: that despite all of the sadness and the missing her, I was so incredibly fortunate to have her in my life and that life really is more fair than we can ever imagine, if we are there to live it. In honor of Ylaria and the many ways in which she showed me how to live life to its fullest, I wanted to share some of (and there are MANY) my very favorite Ylaria moments with you. I settled on 5 because Ylaria was 5. It seems fitting.

1.  Gingerbread House making: One of my very favorite Ylaria moments was getting to make gingerbread houses with her and her family, my family- on December 4, 2010. I had flown into Vermont on an impromptu visit for the weekend and on a spur of the moment comment, I said that it would be fun to decorate gingerbread houses because I had never done it before. It was beyond freezing outside and we were going to be spending a lot of time indoors. I figured this would be a great activity. And boy was I right. From the competition going on between Belen and Gino about who had the best  gingerbread decorating skills to my incredible inability to use a frosting bag (ask Belen) we laughed so much we cried, our stomachs hurt, and we almost couldn't breathe. Life should be full of moments like that, where you are surrounded by love and laughter. Every time I was with Ylaria these were in abundance.

2. Getting a time-out: Once, when Ylaria was still in treatment in NYC, I spent a night babysitting/hanging out/having way too much fun. Gino had gotten free tickets to a Yankee game and at the very last minute, Ylaria refused to go so I stayed with her in the Ronald McDonald House and just hung out. We watched TV, played a game of hide and seek, and she decorated my arms with Dora band aids and laughed every time I said "meeermaid". We were having a wonderful time. And then it happened. I got in trouble. To this day, I still can't remember what I did, but whatever I did, it was NOT good. At. All. And, Ylaria made sure I knew it. I was quickly put on a time-out. Literally. I sat in a corner on the floor with Ylaria giving me a stern look, shaking her finger saying : "No talking." I said: "OK" and laughed. (Cut me some slack, it was funny.) She got even more serious and said: "No laughing." At which point I, again, said, "OK" and laughed even harder. It went on like this for a while. With Ylaria saying "No laughing", "No talking" and me just agreeing and cracking up until there were tears falling down my face. I still laugh at this memory. It was so very "us". Ylaria ran  the show. I was simply her side-kick and we both knew it. I wouldn't have changed our arrangement for the world. I loved being her side-kick.

3. The "Seven Seas": I shared this story with a friend of mine recently and to not forget it, I will now share it in writing here. In one of my first visits with Ylaria, we went down to the Ronald McDonald House playroom to read. When Ylaria and I first met, she was 2 years old and very quiet; she never really said anything. (I am convinced she was just sizing me up.) She selected a Dora the Explorer book and I began to read it to her. I don't remember what the story was about, but at one point, we came to a page where Dora was talking about the "Seven Seas" and they showed a picture of a sea with 7 waves, each wave having a number. I read the numbers out loud to her while pointing to the numbers in the illustration, "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven". We turned the page and they had the same picture again, at which point Ylaria pointed to the numbers and said them out loud. I can't even describe how I felt in that moment. I was so proud of her that I was practically in tears. I loved reading with Ylaria and over the years of our friendship, we went from me reading to her to her reading to me. I still remember her sweet voice and how very seriously read her books to me. She was simply brilliant. Had she been able to grow up, she would have been able to do so much. At 5 years old, she had already changed the world by simply being in it. 

4. "I love you": As I have shared before, I met Ylaria in November 2007. I soon became a frequent visitor. What can I say? I was hooked. Any Ylaria time I could get I took and I treasured. One night, about a year after meeting, I was having dinner with her and Gino in the Ronald McDonald House. We were being goofy at dinner and she started whispering "secrets" in my ear. It took me a moment to realize she had said "I love you". When it was my turn, I whispered the same to her, at which point she looked at me confused and said, "No, I love you." And I replied, "I love you too." Apparently, this was not acceptable because she turned to me and said in a loud voice, "NO, I (pointing to herself) love YOU!" (pointing to me). It was priceless. I laughed. And simply agreed with her, "Ok, Ylaria, you win. You love me." That memory still makes me smile and feel so incredibly special. If only everyone could have a friend like Ylaria, this world would be a much better place. 

5. January visit: By January 2011, Ylaria's cancer had spread and it was clear that her time was limited. Belen and I were in almost daily contact at this point. I began to debate whether or not I should go to California. I was torn. I didn't want to bother or be in the way but I really wanted to spend one last moment with her. Belen finally convinced me to fly out there and I booked a ticket to leave the next day, January 4th. It was the best decision I ever made. When you love someone, no time is ever enough. Not 75 years, not 100 years, and most certainly not 5 years. Having the time to say goodbye and share in one last magic moment with Ylaria means more than I could ever explain. We watched movies, ate Chinese food, drank bubble tea, and did some arts and crafts. I got to hold her hand. I got to hug her. I got to tell her that I loved her. I got one more moment.

 

Tomorrow, I am going to celebrate all of Ylaria's magic. I'll start by taking a long morning walk and leaving Dora band aids in special places. I'll buy flowers. I'll hug my friends. I'll look for pink and yellow. I'll read a good book. I'll listen to songs until the very end. I will honor Ylaria's life by living my own; it's what she would want. 

If you are reading this, I encourage you to create your own magic moments tomorrow. Do something you love, tell your family and friends how much they mean to you, remember to be grateful for all of the small moments that make your day. And when you do all or any of this, remember Ylaria. Her magic lives in all of us.

Christmas Lights

Colored Christmas lights remind me of my brother. Did I ever tell you that? I saw a picture of colored Christmas lights flash across my screen a moment ago and all of a sudden, my heart hurt. Because I miss Manny.

I told you once that I try not to think about my brother too much because it's too hard. The truth is that sometimes, like right now, I spend a lot of time trying to remember him, trying to make him more real in my mind because he feels so very far away. Colored Christmas lights help. I see them and I remember our last Christmas together. I remember decorating the house and how Manny convinced my dad to put up more lights that we ever had. I remember how excited he was and how he led the charge on where they would all go. I remember how he laughed. I remember how he joked. I remember him. And, I love the remembering. For all that it can be sad. For all that I can then sit, seeing a random picture of colored Christmas lights and feel my heart hurt from missing him so much.

I doubt this post will make sense to very many reading it. It must sound strange and definitely depressing. It's hard to explain the point of this writing at all. It's  not meant to be sad. I am ok with admitting I feel sad thinking of my brother; it's my reality. I suppose, the point is that I thought of Manny just now and I wanted to share in my remembering. I want to share and need to share because it's all I have left now- moments like this one where I sit and remember and Manny is so very here with me that I can practically feel him sitting next to me.

Manny, I loved seeing the colored Christmas lights with you. Thank you for giving me that moment.

An update

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been making some changes to my diet. While not down to 100% yet, I have for the most part I have taken gluten, dairy, processed sugar, and processed foods out of my diet. I have even stopped drinking coffee this week. It really hasn't been that hard (with the exception of today when I went to happy hour with some coworkers). I have felt so much better. I am still having a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep...as the time of this post might indicate, but I am working on that.

I am going to work tomorrow for a bit and then to my Coro leadership class. After that, I am heading home to Whitestone to hang out with the family. We might go wine tasting on Sunday which would be fun!

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Olivia

I'm back!

It's been quite some time since I have posted on this blog! Several family members have been bugging me to post and I finally found the combination of time and motivation to do it. I am also about to embark on another "project" (to be discussed at the end of this post) which will require regular updates for at least the next few weeks.

I had a really great weekend with my family. On Saturday, we went bridesmaids dress shopping for Ana's wedding (next May!). It was a lot of fun. As with any Nunez excursion, the trip could not be complete without some food. After dress shopping for the bridesmaids (dress found!) and for the mother of the bride (currently debating between 2 great options!), we went to get some food.

I am really lucky- I have the best family ever. It doesn't matter what we are doing- we always have a great time just being together. So when there was no table for us, we gathered at the bar, shared some appetizers and toasted to Ana.(We asked the bartender to take this picture). Next weekend, I am going back for more family fun; this time, apple picking!

As for that "project" I mentioned earlier. I am doing this detox/cleanse/healthy eating thing for 3 weeks (in the beginning prep stages for the aforementioned wedding). My cousin, Cristina, shared an interesting detox plan with me a few months ago that I really want to try. I think it's interesting how the body responds to different foods and am eager to try this plan for a few weeks. It requires eliminating a lot of common allergens/sensitivities (such as gluten, some nuts, dairy, and sugar). It will definitely be a challenge, but I am (oddly) excited for it. Plus, it's only for 3 weeks- so it's not forever!

More tomorrow. I hope you all had an awesome weekend!

Olivia

An Ylaria Letter

Dear Ylaria,

I am going to Bakersfield soon. I am so excited for the visit that I have already packed my suitcase. I can't wait to see your mom and give her a big hug, and to laugh at how silly your dad can be, and to go to a bookstore and read with Belen, and to play with Yoly. I know you'll be with me throughout this trip too. When I was writing these vacation dates in my calendar, I wrote "YLARIA TRIP". Because that's how I still think of it.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I was feeling sorry for myself earlier because I hurt my foot and I haven't been able to run in months. And then I saw this picture your mom had of you running for the last time and I knew it was your way of telling me to stop being such a baby. If you could fight like you did, I can get through a few months with a fractured foot. You still inspire me. Every day. (And, you still put me in my place when I need it!)

Tonight, I found myself remembering my last trip to Vermont to see you. I am not sure what exactly sparked the memory, really, but all of a sudden, I remembered making gingerbread houses together. I miss making gingerbread houses. I was in CVS the other day and I saw all of this Easter stuff. It reminded me of the last time I was in CVS getting things for your Easter basket. I miss that too. I just miss you. I am ok with admitting that. I can miss you and still be happy. I can miss you and still laugh at how ridiculous things are or how silly I am. I carry you with me in everything I do and most of the time, I am happy, and I laugh, and I work, and I have fun. But sometimes, like tonight, I sit in bed and my heart hurts from missing you, and the selfish parts of me see only the empty spaces that I long for you to fill again. And, I am ok with acknowledging that too.

I am going to get some sleep now. Thanks for listening and for being my friend. Thank you for sharing your family with me. You gave me more than you'll ever know.

Love & hugs,

Olivia

It's been a long time...

I have not written in a very, very, very long time (or so it feels). The lapse was not intentional. To be honest, work has been increasingly busy and I haven't really found many things to write about.

I can't believe it's March already. That said, I realized that this has been the first March I really didn't struggle with at all. March 1st came and I found ways to honor Manny. I miss him. I always miss him. But, for this year at least, I did not wake up hating the month. It's progress. Manny would be proud,

I have not run in months, sadly. I injured my left ankle pretty seriously a few months ago and the doctors think it will take another 6 weeks for it to heal. Not running has not been easy. At. All. I love running. I miss my morning "Christi runs" and feeling my feet pound the pavement. I miss walking without pain. I really can't walk these days either. It's a test in patience. I am slowly learning.

I have been reading some great books lately. I read all of the Hunger Games books, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and the White Racial Frame. I would recommend all of them. Have you read any good books lately?

I'll do my best to update more regularly.

Olivia

Another Day, Another Memory

A year ago today, I was flying out to see Ylaria for one last magic Ylaria moment.

It's crazy how quickly time flies and how it seems to stand still all at once. Sometimes, I feel like I've just come back from a visit at the Ronald and on others it feels like a lifetime since I've hugged her.

Today, with Ylaria so much on my mind, I want to share a favorite photo. I think I love it so much because she's smiling (it almost looks like she and she's walking, and she's in NYC. Now, when I imagine Ylaria in Heaven, I see her full of this energy and excitement. Most likely chasing after my brother or getting into some kind of mischief. Every time I see this picture, I am happy because Ylaria is happy. Every time I see this photo, I feel like I am on my way to see her here in NYC. My Ylaria visits were my favorite time of day. I am deeply thankful for all of the magic moments and memories I have stored in my heart.

Here's wishing you a magical Wednesday.

Christmas

I have already shared this picture here many times and this memory too. It was Christmas Eve 1994. My brother's last Christmas and the very best Christmas ever.

As I get ready for Christmas Eve 2011, I am holding my brother in my heart and the many memories he gave to me.

Merry Christmas!! I hope your holiday is full family, and food, and love, and laughter. And wine, of course.

Olivia

Time is flying by...

I honestly have no idea where the time has gone lately. I feel like we're still in October and we're actually half way through December.

Things on my end have been really busy. (Thus the lack of updates.) I've been working a lot lately. Trying to improve volunteer programming and trying to establish stronger community partnerships at the GO Project. These things take time. It's an exciting challenge for me, and one that has definitely seen me grow, but a very time consuming one nonetheless.

I'll update more soon, I promise. I hope all is well with you!

~Olivia

My Magic Moment

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you..."

~ Wicked "For Good"

Four years ago today, I met Ylaria.

Some time ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about the universe and the way things happen when you least expect them to and the magic that lies behind so many little moments. Like how you could be running late for a job interview and almost decide not to go at all but you manage to finally grab a cab and get there and two days later, you're hired. (This was basically the story my friend shared.) She asked me then if I had ever had a moment like that.

If I had to pick one magic moment, it would definitely be meeting Ylaria. To be honest, I never should have met her at all. It wasn't logical that our paths crossed. I count my blessings every time I think about how the stars lined up on November 10th, 2007. You never really do know when your life is going to change forever.

It started out as almost nothing really. I happened to see the link to Ylaria's caringbridge site some time in October and I read one of Belen's entries where she talked about being in NYC for treatment. I signed the guestbook and said to myself something like: "It would be amazing if we met. I would love to meet Ylaria." I remember looking up as I said this. Was I praying? Was I intentionally asking Manny for help with something that I reasonably understood could never happen? I have no idea. But beyond all logic, I am convinced he heard me.

A few days later, I signed up for my first Ronald McDonald House volunteer dinner with Project Sunshine. November 10th was a Saturday in 2007. I was finishing up a 6th day of work and I was absolutely exhausted. I had just started my new job 2 months ago and I had been working long hours. Once our Saturday programming started, I was working Monday-Saturday. I was tired. I almost went home. I could just go to next month's Project Sunshine dinner, I thought to myself. I convinced myself over and over that I didn't need to be there. Nobody would miss me if I didn't go. But this nagging voice in my head kept telling me to just go. It insisted. And so, I took the 6 train to 68th street and made my way to the Ronald McDonald House.

Once there, I helped prepare food. I chatted with the other volunteers. I helped get the craft table together. I stayed busy. I can't remember now if I thought about meeting Ylaria. This is NYC, after all, and even if you're in the same building with someone, the chances of running into anyone without actually planning it are so slim. Add to that the fact that we had never actually met and the chances decrease even more. For something like that, you'd need magic, pure magic. And on November 10th, 2007, magic is exactly what I got.

For reasons I can't even explain (because I have no real idea WHY I did it), as dinner was being served, I decided to walk around and speak to the families. I introduced myself and asked them their name. I told the families about the craft table and asked them how they were doing. Looking back, Gino must have gotten jipped. I don't remember the exact details, but I went up to him as he was carrying Ylaria in his arms and must have said the standard, "Hi, my name is Olivia. What's your name?" I remember him replying, "I am Gino and this is Ylaria." At which point I screamed (Yes. Screamed.) "THIS is YLARIA!?!?!?!?!". I am not sure I ever told him about the craft table, I was so excited. I honestly felt like I was meeting a movie star. It was amazing. The memory still makes me smile.

A few days later, Gino asked me if I would be willing to stay with Ylaria for 20 minutes so he could run some errands. Ylaria was quieter back then so I did most of the talking that day. We played cards (which basically consisted of her-- silently-- picking up the deck of cards and dumping them on the floor for me to pick up. What can I say? When you're 2, the little things can be so fun. And when you're OCD like me, cleaning is a real enjoyment.)

Ylaria was sizing me up, I am sure. But, she must have decided she'd keep me around because she let me visit her and would often tell me (NOT ask. Ylaria had real character. She informed you of what you would be doing. She never asked you.) that I would come back tomorrow. And I did. It was never an obligation or even something I did to just be a "good person". I adored Ylaria. From the very beginning. I cherished any moment I could spend with her. I still have my old yearly planners. From time to time, I flip through them to see the dates where I had "YLARIA" written down. If I am going to be completely honest, I have kept those planners for that one word alone. I am still trying to recall moments. Sometimes I just sit and think for a long time hoping a forgotten memory will be remembered.

I am not exactly sure when the Dora band aids came into the picture but it must have been within the first few visits. Ylaria loved Dora when she was 2 and when I saw those band aids in the store one day, and I just knew I had to get them for her. The band aids were a huge hit. She never really saved them for herself. Gino and Belen would try to tell her not to use them right away but once we were alone, she'd open up the box and start putting band aids all over my fingers and arms. Ylaria was incredibly precise in her placement. If she didn't like the way a certain band aid looked, she'd rip it off and place it somewhere else. I can't even count the number of times I left the RMH covered in band aids. I got a lot of stares on my way home but I never cared. Some people will never understand the magic in Dora band aids. To this day, I always make sure to have a box of Dora band aids on hand. I can't bring them to Ylaria anymore, but when I need one, I picture Ylaria with me and I put it on with her incredible precision. Ylaria taught me so much in our time together. She was one of my best teachers. How to properly put on a band aid is one lesson I will never forget. Wearing it makes her feel less far away.

I could go on and on and on about Ylaria. I could say over and over and over that I love her and I miss her but it never seems enough. Sometimes there really are no words. And there certainly aren't enough words for all of Ylaria's magic. Today, all I can really say is that I grateful. I am grateful and honored and humbled to have been Ylaria's friend. To have been her sidekick.

There are magic moments everywhere. Meeting Ylaria was mine.

Fooducate

Yesterday, we took a family trip to the supermarket.

This sounds odd, I am sure, to hear that four 20+ years old people were excited and, I would go so far as to say-- thrilled-- about a trip to the supermarket, but it's true. It was great.

What brought on this new found energy for a trip to Key Food, you ask?

The "fooducate" iphone app. My sister (to remain nameless) discovered this fascinating tool yesterday and when she came home from work, eagerly introduced the rest of her "sorority" sisters to it. For those of you who don't know, the "fooducate' app, scans the bar-code of a food item and grades it based on its nutritional value. Grades range from A to D-. Despite our best efforts, we were unable to find a food with a grade of an F. And trust me, when I tell you we tried. Apparently even spam, cheeze-wiz, and twinkies have some kind of nutritional value-- grades ranging between C+ and D-, in case you were wondering.

After scanning nearly every food item in the refrigerator and pantry. (We even tried to scan the dish soap to see what would come up-- the app "could not identify" that one.), my mom announced that she needed to run to the supermarket to pick something up for dinner. The rest of us (again, nameless to save everyone's dignity except my own since I, apparently, could care less that I sound insane and am openly sharing this escapade here.) jumped on this news like it was a trip to see Santa Claus-- in the North Pole. We grabbed our coats, made sure we didn't forget the iphone, and made a list of all the items we wanted to scan. For reasons I can't seem to pin down, yogurt topped the list (peanut butter, spam, oatmeal, and pork rinds were also in the top 5).

I can safely say that I don't think I have ever had more fun food shopping than I did yesterday-- with the possible exception of one New Years Day when my mom and I went to Waldbaums for breakfast items on possibly no sleep at all. We scanned everything we purchased and even more that we had no intention of buying at all. The people around us must have thought we were out of our minds, especially when one of us in the group held up the all natural Greek yogurt and screamed (yes, screamed), "it's an A!"

If you have an iphone, you really need to download this app. If you are like me and do not have an iphone, never fear, you can access this online website for similar information, though your supermarket trips will be much less exciting than mine was yesterday.

And now, I am going to fill up my glass with some grade A water.

I have been thinking about Manny a lot lately. I think it’s the weather. For many reasons, some of which I can’t even explain, the fall reminds me so much of my brother.

Manny was diagnosed with leukemia in early October 1993. I remember exactly what I was doing when I first heard the words “cancer” and “leukemia”. It was early in the morning and my sisters and I was getting ready for school. I was in the middle of tying my shoelaces when my mom said, “Manny has cancer. He’s in the hospital.” I would be lying if I said those were the exact words. I don’t remember what was said at all. I just remember sitting on my bedroom floor, carefully tying my shoes, and being completely unable to look at my mom as she spoke. The biggest shift in my life was so mundane. Shoelaces. Sometimes, when I am tying my shoelaces now, I still remember that moment and the quiet that filled my ears afterwards. Silence can be deafening like that.

It would be another lie if I said here that I understood the importance of what my mom said. I did not. In fact, up until the day he died, I never really believed Manny could die. Knowing a person can die and believing your brother could die are two very different things. When I was 10, I knew people died. I knew people with leukemia died. And despite this knowledge, I lived firmly in the belief that Manny could not die. This conviction was rooted in my complete inability to picture my life without my brother. If I could not picture my life without Manny in it, I reasoned that life could not exist. It was so simple.

There was only one time that this reasoning failed me. About a week before my brother died, for reasons I cannot remember (perhaps there was no reason at all), I imagined living without him. I understood, for an instant, that Manny could die. And it broke me. I cried hysterically for a long, long, long time. I begged God not to let it happen. I must have promised Him that I would be better, love more, give anything- just please don’t let Manny die. Please. I begged and promised and pleaded and cried until I couldn’t think of anything more to say. I suppose there was nothing left, really. When you’re 11, it’s hard to understand cancer. And it’s difficult to grasp death. And it’s unimaginable to realize fully that you might have to live a life without your brother.

In life, you have to learn that you can’t always get what you want. Even if what you want is full of good intentions and a lot of love. I learned the hard way. I learned that a life without Manny was possible. I am still living that life. It's not one that I would have chosen for myself. Or for Manny. But I have learned to make the most of it. I hope that I have made him proud. It's all I have left to give him now. My prayers did not save him. So now, I do my best to keep his memory alive. And share as much as I can. I say his name here and out loud so that I will remember and others will know that Manny was here. He is so missed. He is so loved.

This post has taken a detour. It was supposed to be about pumpkins. And art. And Manny. It was supposed to be a lot happier than this one sounds. This happens to me sometimes, I start writing and what I thought I would be writing about is not at all the end result. I have to run to a meeting now. The pumpkins and art will have to be for another day.