Today

Ylaria left NYC today. It was hard. Really hard. Part of me knows that she's on her way to Vermont and there is still hope. (Without hope there is no hope, right?)

But most of me was so terribly sad. And here I have to shamefully admit that I was sad for myself. because I didn't get to say goodbye. I saw Ylaria on Saturday and we had a great time. There was a puppet show that wasn't, checkers, pictures, cereal, band aids, laughs. It was great. I loved every minute. But, I didn't realize it would be the last time. And so today, when I read they were leaving for Vermont and I realized there was no way for me to see her just one last time here, my heart hurt. But that's how the heart works, I suppose. It always just wants one more hug, one more moment, one more love. Always. I know that too well.

I'm not saying I'll never see Ylaria again. I know I may. I am not giving up hope of a miracle, but I have to admit that today, the darkness was heavy and I didn't see this light until now. It was just so very hard. I'm not apologizing for that. I'm not even asking anyone to understand how I felt. How much it hurt. I can't apologize for any of it.

But I am breathing a little easier now. I watched my favorite episode of Grey's with Laura (the Christmas one in season 2, if you must know), ate some ice cream and took a warm bath. My heart is feeling more hope than pain at the moment.

Tomorrow is going to be great. It's going to be magical. Because it would have been Christi's 13th birthday and I plan on honoring her spirit as only she would want me to-- with love and laughter and hope. And lots of books, of course.