In my heart...

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever" ~ Winnie the Pooh

I have been missing Ylaria so much today. (Well, I have been missing her a lot for some time now but today was a little more difficult.) It was rainy and gloomy in the morning-- sort of how I was feeling. And it made me wonder if the world was crying along with me at the loss of such a magical soul.

I spoke to Belen. We cried together; we laughed together (sometimes at the same time). We talked about Ylaria and how she was wise beyond her years. We laughed about how she was so smart and so witty, about how she would sometimes pretend to ignore me when I came to visit because she was (secretly) so excited to see me. We remembered how she would roll her eyes and how she would laugh when she thought something was ridiculous. I told her that it was hard for me to remember Ylaria was only 5 sometimes because she just "got" it. All of it. And, I basically treated her like another one of my 20-something year old friends. Ylaria never skipped a beat. And you better believe she noticed when you did. And she let you know it. She was no nonsense like that. It would crack me up every time. I swear, Ylaria was with us while we were talking. I felt her all around me.

Sometimes I am surprised she was even my friend. It was clear from the start that she was much cooler, much smarter, much better, really. I lucked out. I always thought it was funny how people thought I was doing such a good deed and a nice thing going to visit her. The truth is, once we met, I was hooked. I didn't go visit Ylaria because she was sick and I could make anything better. (As the frosting bag incident attests, I usually just added a lot of ridiculous mixed in with some crazy.) I went to visit Ylaria because she was my little best friend. I couldn't wait for the next chance to see her. The next time to bring her band aids. The next time to give her a hug. I was her #1 fan. Her silly sidekick.

I am selfish with Ylaria because when I cry, I am really crying for myself. I know she is in a better place and it is cruel of me to wish her back. No person, no child, should ever have to endure what she did. I am selfish in my sadness. In my grief. I am crying for all that I have lost, for all of the things I miss now that Ylaria is not here. Not here with me in body, and I have to stress that last part. In spirit, Ylaria is with me always. She's in the pink and yellow tulips I keep by my desk to brighten my day. She is in every text and phone call I have with Belen. She is in all of my laughter and all of my tears. She is in all of my memories. She is in my heart.

Belen, thank you for laughing with me and crying with me. Thank you for sharing so many beautiful memories. I carry Ylaria in my heart. I will never forget her. It would be like forgetting a part of myself, simply impossible.