Saturday, November 24, 2012

Christmas Lights

Colored Christmas lights remind me of my brother. Did I ever tell you that? I saw a picture of colored Christmas lights flash across my screen a moment ago and all of a sudden, my heart hurt. Because I miss Manny.

I told you once that I try not to think about my brother too much because it's too hard. The truth is that sometimes, like right now, I spend a lot of time trying to remember him, trying to make him more real in my mind because he feels so very far away. Colored Christmas lights help. I see them and I remember our last Christmas together. I remember decorating the house and how Manny convinced my dad to put up more lights that we ever had. I remember how excited he was and how he led the charge on where they would all go. I remember how he laughed. I remember how he joked. I remember him. And, I love the remembering. For all that it can be sad. For all that I can then sit, seeing a random picture of colored Christmas lights and feel my heart hurt from missing him so much.

I doubt this post will make sense to very many reading it. It must sound strange and definitely depressing. It's hard to explain the point of this writing at all. It's  not meant to be sad. I am ok with admitting I feel sad thinking of my brother; it's my reality. I suppose, the point is that I thought of Manny just now and I wanted to share in my remembering. I want to share and need to share because it's all I have left now- moments like this one where I sit and remember and Manny is so very here with me that I can practically feel him sitting next to me.

Manny, I loved seeing the colored Christmas lights with you. Thank you for giving me that moment.