Saturday, February 28, 2009

Your Room

I cleaned your room for you. Remember how you had that slumber party before going in for the transplant? You left your room a mess. Not that that was anything new. So I went up one day and cleaned the entire room. It was big and I was so proud of how nice it looked when I was done. I imagined your surprise over and over in my mind and it thrilled me. I couldn't wait for you to see it.

You never did.

And, after you died, I was devastated that I would never get to show you what I had done for you. And, I was sad that I had moved and changed that last things you had touched. It felt wrong to have done that.

The day we moved to the new house, Ana and I were up in what was your room. Ana was crying and I was trying to comfort her. And all of a sudden, I said out loud: "I cleaned his room. I cleaned his room. It was supposed to be a surprise." And I burst into tears. I cried for you, and for me, and for my 11-year old dreams. We lost so much the day you left us.

Can I tell you a secret? When I was younger, I thought that if I hadn't been so hopeful, if I hadn't cleaned your room, if I hadn't dreamed about you coming home to see it, you never would have died. I worried that because I had been too eager, because I had loved you too much, your death had become inevitable. Something like foreshadowing in the movies when everything is going so well that you know the worst is on its way. It's silly, I know, and many might even think it's unreasonable. But, I still worry. It scares me to love people too much. Because I remember you, and I'm terrified that they'll leave me too.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Other Shore

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads his white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. He is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch him until... at length he hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: “There, he is gone!”

“Gone where?”

Gone from my sight. That is all.

He is just as large in mast and hull and spar as he was when he left my side, and he is just as able to bear his load of living freight to his destined port. His diminished size is in me, not in him.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “There, he is gone!” there are other eyes watching him coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:

“Here he comes!”

And that is dying.

~ Author Uknown

Sunday, February 22, 2009

My Life Would Suck Without You

This weekend wasn't particularly exciting. I've been sick for well over a week now and couldn't even manage to get out of bed on Thursday. Yay for fevers! I spent most of my last few days in bed, on quite a few over the counter meds, and coughing so much I thought my lungs were going to come up my throat. Lovely, I know.

But despite all of this, my weekend rocked simply because I got to spend a lot of quality time with my sister, Sara, after she came bounding home Friday afternoon and (literally) threw herself on top of my bed, waking me up from my Thermaflu-induced sleep.

We didn't even do anything that exciting, with the exception of seeing a Flamenco show in Manhattan on Saturday night, thanks to my fabulous cousin, Cristina. But Sara is one of those people who makes singing in the car, grocery shopping, cleaning the house and making dinner fun simply because she's there with you. She's my very best friend and I love her to pieces.

And, so , Sara, if you're reading this, even though you don't like the song, my life really would suck without you.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Ok. My last post was lame. Manny is probably ready to kick me so I am asking for a re-do here.

March isn't that bad. I suppose it's unfair to hate an entire month for something it had no control over. March has probably been scratching its head for years wondering why I've been so mad at it and wishing it could switch places with April. At least, if I were March, I would be.

So here we go. The top 10 Reasons March is great (please feel free to add your own!)
10. OTH is going to be back with new episodes. I don't care if this sounds lame. I'm looking forward to it.
9. March 21st is the first day of Spring. I love Spring!
8. I'm running in TWO races this March. I'm beyond excited to get back into my running.
7. March has 31 days. I like the longer months. They give more time for possibility.
6. I'm going to a Comedy Club event on March 7th. It'll be funny AND the event is raising money to fight homelessness. I love fun(ny) things for good causes.
5. It's 4 months to Jennifer's birthday. I think Jennifer's pretty amazing.
4. It's 2 months to my birthday. Woot! (I've already started making some plans for the big day!)
3. I'm going to California at the end of March. I am going to see my Belfast friends and spend time with Ylaria. There's nothing better than a trip to sunny California to spend time with so many amazing people.
2. Today, though not March, is Shayla's birthday. She's 10. Shayla is one of my favorite people. Ever.
1. Wrestlemania X was held on March 20, 1994. Manny went. He loved it. He was happy. I love remembering Manny happy.


I'm not sure what to write about tonight. I'm struggling with the fact that March is nearly here. Sometimes it feels like it's always March. I hate March. It came one year and took everything.

I'm still waiting to get it all back.