Sunday, October 13, 2013
I love the fall. I really do. I love the crispness in the air, the smell of the fallen leaves, the warm of hot tea or cider. I love eating soup and going apple-picking. I really love the fall. As I said once before, the fall reminds me so much of Manny.
Some people think it's sad when I say things like this. It's not sad for me. It's not sad for me to remember my brother. I am so grateful for these moments. For the chilly wind that makes me remember when I would see him walking home from the bus stop, for the crunch of the leaves that reminds me of times when we would be playing basketball outside, for the fall decorations that bring back Halloweens and Thanksgivings and all of those everyday autumn rituals that we so often take for granted because we never really imagine that they could end. I am grateful for my memories. I like to believe that when I am remembering Manny in these moments, he is remembering me too, and for an instant, we are doing something together again.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
To be honest, work takes up the overwhelming majority of my time and by the time I have a moment for other things, the idea of sitting down in front of a computer and writing proves challenging.
I will be writing more soon. I am working on some new "projects" that may prove interesting. They are in the self-improvement vein so I who knows...
I will keep you posted. In the meantime, I hope you are all well. What would you be interested in reading about?
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Colored Christmas lights remind me of my brother. Did I ever tell you that? I saw a picture of colored Christmas lights flash across my screen a moment ago and all of a sudden, my heart hurt. Because I miss Manny.
I told you once that I try not to think about my brother too much because it's too hard. The truth is that sometimes, like right now, I spend a lot of time trying to remember him, trying to make him more real in my mind because he feels so very far away. Colored Christmas lights help. I see them and I remember our last Christmas together. I remember decorating the house and how Manny convinced my dad to put up more lights that we ever had. I remember how excited he was and how he led the charge on where they would all go. I remember how he laughed. I remember how he joked. I remember him. And, I love the remembering. For all that it can be sad. For all that I can then sit, seeing a random picture of colored Christmas lights and feel my heart hurt from missing him so much.
I doubt this post will make sense to very many reading it. It must sound strange and definitely depressing. It's hard to explain the point of this writing at all. It's not meant to be sad. I am ok with admitting I feel sad thinking of my brother; it's my reality. I suppose, the point is that I thought of Manny just now and I wanted to share in my remembering. I want to share and need to share because it's all I have left now- moments like this one where I sit and remember and Manny is so very here with me that I can practically feel him sitting next to me.
Manny, I loved seeing the colored Christmas lights with you. Thank you for giving me that moment.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I am going to Bakersfield soon. I am so excited for the visit that I have already packed my suitcase. I can't wait to see your mom and give her a big hug, and to laugh at how silly your dad can be, and to go to a bookstore and read with Belen, and to play with Yoly. I know you'll be with me throughout this trip too. When I was writing these vacation dates in my calendar, I wrote "YLARIA TRIP". Because that's how I still think of it.
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I was feeling sorry for myself earlier because I hurt my foot and I haven't been able to run in months. And then I saw this picture your mom had of you running for the last time and I knew it was your way of telling me to stop being such a baby. If you could fight like you did, I can get through a few months with a fractured foot. You still inspire me. Every day. (And, you still put me in my place when I need it!)
Tonight, I found myself remembering my last trip to Vermont to see you. I am not sure what exactly sparked the memory, really, but all of a sudden, I remembered making gingerbread houses together. I miss making gingerbread houses. I was in CVS the other day and I saw all of this Easter stuff. It reminded me of the last time I was in CVS getting things for your Easter basket. I miss that too. I just miss you. I am ok with admitting that. I can miss you and still be happy. I can miss you and still laugh at how ridiculous things are or how silly I am. I carry you with me in everything I do and most of the time, I am happy, and I laugh, and I work, and I have fun. But sometimes, like tonight, I sit in bed and my heart hurts from missing you, and the selfish parts of me see only the empty spaces that I long for you to fill again. And, I am ok with acknowledging that too.
I am going to get some sleep now. Thanks for listening and for being my friend. Thank you for sharing your family with me. You gave me more than you'll ever know.
Love & hugs,