Another Day, Another Memory

A year ago today, I was flying out to see Ylaria for one last magic Ylaria moment.

It's crazy how quickly time flies and how it seems to stand still all at once. Sometimes, I feel like I've just come back from a visit at the Ronald and on others it feels like a lifetime since I've hugged her.

Today, with Ylaria so much on my mind, I want to share a favorite photo. I think I love it so much because she's smiling (it almost looks like she and she's walking, and she's in NYC. Now, when I imagine Ylaria in Heaven, I see her full of this energy and excitement. Most likely chasing after my brother or getting into some kind of mischief. Every time I see this picture, I am happy because Ylaria is happy. Every time I see this photo, I feel like I am on my way to see her here in NYC. My Ylaria visits were my favorite time of day. I am deeply thankful for all of the magic moments and memories I have stored in my heart.

Here's wishing you a magical Wednesday.

Christmas

I have already shared this picture here many times and this memory too. It was Christmas Eve 1994. My brother's last Christmas and the very best Christmas ever.

As I get ready for Christmas Eve 2011, I am holding my brother in my heart and the many memories he gave to me.

Merry Christmas!! I hope your holiday is full family, and food, and love, and laughter. And wine, of course.

Olivia

Time is flying by...

I honestly have no idea where the time has gone lately. I feel like we're still in October and we're actually half way through December.

Things on my end have been really busy. (Thus the lack of updates.) I've been working a lot lately. Trying to improve volunteer programming and trying to establish stronger community partnerships at the GO Project. These things take time. It's an exciting challenge for me, and one that has definitely seen me grow, but a very time consuming one nonetheless.

I'll update more soon, I promise. I hope all is well with you!

~Olivia

My Magic Moment

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you..."

~ Wicked "For Good"

Four years ago today, I met Ylaria.

Some time ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about the universe and the way things happen when you least expect them to and the magic that lies behind so many little moments. Like how you could be running late for a job interview and almost decide not to go at all but you manage to finally grab a cab and get there and two days later, you're hired. (This was basically the story my friend shared.) She asked me then if I had ever had a moment like that.

If I had to pick one magic moment, it would definitely be meeting Ylaria. To be honest, I never should have met her at all. It wasn't logical that our paths crossed. I count my blessings every time I think about how the stars lined up on November 10th, 2007. You never really do know when your life is going to change forever.

It started out as almost nothing really. I happened to see the link to Ylaria's caringbridge site some time in October and I read one of Belen's entries where she talked about being in NYC for treatment. I signed the guestbook and said to myself something like: "It would be amazing if we met. I would love to meet Ylaria." I remember looking up as I said this. Was I praying? Was I intentionally asking Manny for help with something that I reasonably understood could never happen? I have no idea. But beyond all logic, I am convinced he heard me.

A few days later, I signed up for my first Ronald McDonald House volunteer dinner with Project Sunshine. November 10th was a Saturday in 2007. I was finishing up a 6th day of work and I was absolutely exhausted. I had just started my new job 2 months ago and I had been working long hours. Once our Saturday programming started, I was working Monday-Saturday. I was tired. I almost went home. I could just go to next month's Project Sunshine dinner, I thought to myself. I convinced myself over and over that I didn't need to be there. Nobody would miss me if I didn't go. But this nagging voice in my head kept telling me to just go. It insisted. And so, I took the 6 train to 68th street and made my way to the Ronald McDonald House.

Once there, I helped prepare food. I chatted with the other volunteers. I helped get the craft table together. I stayed busy. I can't remember now if I thought about meeting Ylaria. This is NYC, after all, and even if you're in the same building with someone, the chances of running into anyone without actually planning it are so slim. Add to that the fact that we had never actually met and the chances decrease even more. For something like that, you'd need magic, pure magic. And on November 10th, 2007, magic is exactly what I got.

For reasons I can't even explain (because I have no real idea WHY I did it), as dinner was being served, I decided to walk around and speak to the families. I introduced myself and asked them their name. I told the families about the craft table and asked them how they were doing. Looking back, Gino must have gotten jipped. I don't remember the exact details, but I went up to him as he was carrying Ylaria in his arms and must have said the standard, "Hi, my name is Olivia. What's your name?" I remember him replying, "I am Gino and this is Ylaria." At which point I screamed (Yes. Screamed.) "THIS is YLARIA!?!?!?!?!". I am not sure I ever told him about the craft table, I was so excited. I honestly felt like I was meeting a movie star. It was amazing. The memory still makes me smile.

A few days later, Gino asked me if I would be willing to stay with Ylaria for 20 minutes so he could run some errands. Ylaria was quieter back then so I did most of the talking that day. We played cards (which basically consisted of her-- silently-- picking up the deck of cards and dumping them on the floor for me to pick up. What can I say? When you're 2, the little things can be so fun. And when you're OCD like me, cleaning is a real enjoyment.)

Ylaria was sizing me up, I am sure. But, she must have decided she'd keep me around because she let me visit her and would often tell me (NOT ask. Ylaria had real character. She informed you of what you would be doing. She never asked you.) that I would come back tomorrow. And I did. It was never an obligation or even something I did to just be a "good person". I adored Ylaria. From the very beginning. I cherished any moment I could spend with her. I still have my old yearly planners. From time to time, I flip through them to see the dates where I had "YLARIA" written down. If I am going to be completely honest, I have kept those planners for that one word alone. I am still trying to recall moments. Sometimes I just sit and think for a long time hoping a forgotten memory will be remembered.

I am not exactly sure when the Dora band aids came into the picture but it must have been within the first few visits. Ylaria loved Dora when she was 2 and when I saw those band aids in the store one day, and I just knew I had to get them for her. The band aids were a huge hit. She never really saved them for herself. Gino and Belen would try to tell her not to use them right away but once we were alone, she'd open up the box and start putting band aids all over my fingers and arms. Ylaria was incredibly precise in her placement. If she didn't like the way a certain band aid looked, she'd rip it off and place it somewhere else. I can't even count the number of times I left the RMH covered in band aids. I got a lot of stares on my way home but I never cared. Some people will never understand the magic in Dora band aids. To this day, I always make sure to have a box of Dora band aids on hand. I can't bring them to Ylaria anymore, but when I need one, I picture Ylaria with me and I put it on with her incredible precision. Ylaria taught me so much in our time together. She was one of my best teachers. How to properly put on a band aid is one lesson I will never forget. Wearing it makes her feel less far away.

I could go on and on and on about Ylaria. I could say over and over and over that I love her and I miss her but it never seems enough. Sometimes there really are no words. And there certainly aren't enough words for all of Ylaria's magic. Today, all I can really say is that I grateful. I am grateful and honored and humbled to have been Ylaria's friend. To have been her sidekick.

There are magic moments everywhere. Meeting Ylaria was mine.

Fooducate

Yesterday, we took a family trip to the supermarket.

This sounds odd, I am sure, to hear that four 20+ years old people were excited and, I would go so far as to say-- thrilled-- about a trip to the supermarket, but it's true. It was great.

What brought on this new found energy for a trip to Key Food, you ask?

The "fooducate" iphone app. My sister (to remain nameless) discovered this fascinating tool yesterday and when she came home from work, eagerly introduced the rest of her "sorority" sisters to it. For those of you who don't know, the "fooducate' app, scans the bar-code of a food item and grades it based on its nutritional value. Grades range from A to D-. Despite our best efforts, we were unable to find a food with a grade of an F. And trust me, when I tell you we tried. Apparently even spam, cheeze-wiz, and twinkies have some kind of nutritional value-- grades ranging between C+ and D-, in case you were wondering.

After scanning nearly every food item in the refrigerator and pantry. (We even tried to scan the dish soap to see what would come up-- the app "could not identify" that one.), my mom announced that she needed to run to the supermarket to pick something up for dinner. The rest of us (again, nameless to save everyone's dignity except my own since I, apparently, could care less that I sound insane and am openly sharing this escapade here.) jumped on this news like it was a trip to see Santa Claus-- in the North Pole. We grabbed our coats, made sure we didn't forget the iphone, and made a list of all the items we wanted to scan. For reasons I can't seem to pin down, yogurt topped the list (peanut butter, spam, oatmeal, and pork rinds were also in the top 5).

I can safely say that I don't think I have ever had more fun food shopping than I did yesterday-- with the possible exception of one New Years Day when my mom and I went to Waldbaums for breakfast items on possibly no sleep at all. We scanned everything we purchased and even more that we had no intention of buying at all. The people around us must have thought we were out of our minds, especially when one of us in the group held up the all natural Greek yogurt and screamed (yes, screamed), "it's an A!"

If you have an iphone, you really need to download this app. If you are like me and do not have an iphone, never fear, you can access this online website for similar information, though your supermarket trips will be much less exciting than mine was yesterday.

And now, I am going to fill up my glass with some grade A water.

I have been thinking about Manny a lot lately. I think it’s the weather. For many reasons, some of which I can’t even explain, the fall reminds me so much of my brother.

Manny was diagnosed with leukemia in early October 1993. I remember exactly what I was doing when I first heard the words “cancer” and “leukemia”. It was early in the morning and my sisters and I was getting ready for school. I was in the middle of tying my shoelaces when my mom said, “Manny has cancer. He’s in the hospital.” I would be lying if I said those were the exact words. I don’t remember what was said at all. I just remember sitting on my bedroom floor, carefully tying my shoes, and being completely unable to look at my mom as she spoke. The biggest shift in my life was so mundane. Shoelaces. Sometimes, when I am tying my shoelaces now, I still remember that moment and the quiet that filled my ears afterwards. Silence can be deafening like that.

It would be another lie if I said here that I understood the importance of what my mom said. I did not. In fact, up until the day he died, I never really believed Manny could die. Knowing a person can die and believing your brother could die are two very different things. When I was 10, I knew people died. I knew people with leukemia died. And despite this knowledge, I lived firmly in the belief that Manny could not die. This conviction was rooted in my complete inability to picture my life without my brother. If I could not picture my life without Manny in it, I reasoned that life could not exist. It was so simple.

There was only one time that this reasoning failed me. About a week before my brother died, for reasons I cannot remember (perhaps there was no reason at all), I imagined living without him. I understood, for an instant, that Manny could die. And it broke me. I cried hysterically for a long, long, long time. I begged God not to let it happen. I must have promised Him that I would be better, love more, give anything- just please don’t let Manny die. Please. I begged and promised and pleaded and cried until I couldn’t think of anything more to say. I suppose there was nothing left, really. When you’re 11, it’s hard to understand cancer. And it’s difficult to grasp death. And it’s unimaginable to realize fully that you might have to live a life without your brother.

In life, you have to learn that you can’t always get what you want. Even if what you want is full of good intentions and a lot of love. I learned the hard way. I learned that a life without Manny was possible. I am still living that life. It's not one that I would have chosen for myself. Or for Manny. But I have learned to make the most of it. I hope that I have made him proud. It's all I have left to give him now. My prayers did not save him. So now, I do my best to keep his memory alive. And share as much as I can. I say his name here and out loud so that I will remember and others will know that Manny was here. He is so missed. He is so loved.

This post has taken a detour. It was supposed to be about pumpkins. And art. And Manny. It was supposed to be a lot happier than this one sounds. This happens to me sometimes, I start writing and what I thought I would be writing about is not at all the end result. I have to run to a meeting now. The pumpkins and art will have to be for another day.

Some more thoughts on food

I have been doing a lot of reading, research, and thinking about food lately. It's something that interests me-- as you can tell, no doubt, from some of my posts. I think it's important to have this reflection: on what I am eating, where it comes from, what it does to my body (& mind), and why I am eating it.

This morning, I came across an interesting website full of information that I thought I would share here. Dr. Andrew Weil is very well respected in the field. His website has his own recommended food pyramid (pictured here) and other food, exercise and health advise. It's definitely a resource I will be using regularly. As we get into the holiday season (yes, it's really almost here), it'll be especially important to remember.

Is there anything you found interesting or surprising? Have you made any lifestyle changes lately?