Saturday, November 24, 2012
Colored Christmas lights remind me of my brother. Did I ever tell you that? I saw a picture of colored Christmas lights flash across my screen a moment ago and all of a sudden, my heart hurt. Because I miss Manny.
I told you once that I try not to think about my brother too much because it's too hard. The truth is that sometimes, like right now, I spend a lot of time trying to remember him, trying to make him more real in my mind because he feels so very far away. Colored Christmas lights help. I see them and I remember our last Christmas together. I remember decorating the house and how Manny convinced my dad to put up more lights that we ever had. I remember how excited he was and how he led the charge on where they would all go. I remember how he laughed. I remember how he joked. I remember him. And, I love the remembering. For all that it can be sad. For all that I can then sit, seeing a random picture of colored Christmas lights and feel my heart hurt from missing him so much.
I doubt this post will make sense to very many reading it. It must sound strange and definitely depressing. It's hard to explain the point of this writing at all. It's not meant to be sad. I am ok with admitting I feel sad thinking of my brother; it's my reality. I suppose, the point is that I thought of Manny just now and I wanted to share in my remembering. I want to share and need to share because it's all I have left now- moments like this one where I sit and remember and Manny is so very here with me that I can practically feel him sitting next to me.
Manny, I loved seeing the colored Christmas lights with you. Thank you for giving me that moment.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I am going to Bakersfield soon. I am so excited for the visit that I have already packed my suitcase. I can't wait to see your mom and give her a big hug, and to laugh at how silly your dad can be, and to go to a bookstore and read with Belen, and to play with Yoly. I know you'll be with me throughout this trip too. When I was writing these vacation dates in my calendar, I wrote "YLARIA TRIP". Because that's how I still think of it.
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I was feeling sorry for myself earlier because I hurt my foot and I haven't been able to run in months. And then I saw this picture your mom had of you running for the last time and I knew it was your way of telling me to stop being such a baby. If you could fight like you did, I can get through a few months with a fractured foot. You still inspire me. Every day. (And, you still put me in my place when I need it!)
Tonight, I found myself remembering my last trip to Vermont to see you. I am not sure what exactly sparked the memory, really, but all of a sudden, I remembered making gingerbread houses together. I miss making gingerbread houses. I was in CVS the other day and I saw all of this Easter stuff. It reminded me of the last time I was in CVS getting things for your Easter basket. I miss that too. I just miss you. I am ok with admitting that. I can miss you and still be happy. I can miss you and still laugh at how ridiculous things are or how silly I am. I carry you with me in everything I do and most of the time, I am happy, and I laugh, and I work, and I have fun. But sometimes, like tonight, I sit in bed and my heart hurts from missing you, and the selfish parts of me see only the empty spaces that I long for you to fill again. And, I am ok with acknowledging that too.
I am going to get some sleep now. Thanks for listening and for being my friend. Thank you for sharing your family with me. You gave me more than you'll ever know.
Love & hugs,
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A year ago today, I was flying out to see Ylaria for one last magic Ylaria moment.
It's crazy how quickly time flies and how it seems to stand still all at once. Sometimes, I feel like I've just come back from a visit at the Ronald and on others it feels like a lifetime since I've hugged her.
Today, with Ylaria so much on my mind, I want to share a favorite photo. I think I love it so much because she's smiling (it almost looks like she and she's walking, and she's in NYC. Now, when I imagine Ylaria in Heaven, I see her full of this energy and excitement. Most likely chasing after my brother or getting into some kind of mischief. Every time I see this picture, I am happy because Ylaria is happy. Every time I see this photo, I feel like I am on my way to see her here in NYC. My Ylaria visits were my favorite time of day. I am deeply thankful for all of the magic moments and memories I have stored in my heart.
Here's wishing you a magical Wednesday.