Poof!!..Another 365 days

"Life places another year in your hands and poof! You are granted 365 more sunrises, 52 more Sunday afternoons, one big, beautiful year filled with opportunities to eat ice cream, smile for no reason, take a day off, [& see the beauty in the sky]. One more year of the simple, the satisfying experiences that make a life. May it be a good one"

I found this quote on a birthday card I sent my sister one year when I was in college (I added the sky part). I loved it so much that I wrote it down and kept it for myself too. Because it's important to remember to appreciate the "poof!" Life is beautiful and wonderful and awesome and amazing and full. If we let it be. I think I do a pretty good job if loving my life. It can be hard. It can be sad. But the sorrow is what makes us appreciate the joy. The joy is what causes our sorrow. In the words of the great Khalil Gibran,

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with our tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

My heart is full of love. I had the most amazing day. It's nothing I did exactly. It's just the way it was spent-- with people I love, laughing, reading, relaxing, eating chocolate, being, smiling. It was a good day, a great day.

Thank you to everyone for sharing it with me in some way. You are amazing. I am who I am because of you. Because at one point or another our paths crossed and you changed me. Here's to another 365 days of all of the love and laughter and living my heart can hold.

~Olivia

Today

Ylaria left NYC today. It was hard. Really hard. Part of me knows that she's on her way to Vermont and there is still hope. (Without hope there is no hope, right?)

But most of me was so terribly sad. And here I have to shamefully admit that I was sad for myself. because I didn't get to say goodbye. I saw Ylaria on Saturday and we had a great time. There was a puppet show that wasn't, checkers, pictures, cereal, band aids, laughs. It was great. I loved every minute. But, I didn't realize it would be the last time. And so today, when I read they were leaving for Vermont and I realized there was no way for me to see her just one last time here, my heart hurt. But that's how the heart works, I suppose. It always just wants one more hug, one more moment, one more love. Always. I know that too well.

I'm not saying I'll never see Ylaria again. I know I may. I am not giving up hope of a miracle, but I have to admit that today, the darkness was heavy and I didn't see this light until now. It was just so very hard. I'm not apologizing for that. I'm not even asking anyone to understand how I felt. How much it hurt. I can't apologize for any of it.

But I am breathing a little easier now. I watched my favorite episode of Grey's with Laura (the Christmas one in season 2, if you must know), ate some ice cream and took a warm bath. My heart is feeling more hope than pain at the moment.

Tomorrow is going to be great. It's going to be magical. Because it would have been Christi's 13th birthday and I plan on honoring her spirit as only she would want me to-- with love and laughter and hope. And lots of books, of course.

Nothing

I can't promise this update is going to make sense. I doubt it will because I started reading Ylaria's update and I got up to the part about the scans being worse and my brain stopped working. Completely. And right now I am in that space where I feel nothing and I think nothing.

Well, that's not entirely true. I have a confession. A really, really painful one. I feel guilt. And I think that I could have done more, but I didn't. Sometimes I was too tired or there was too much work or I wasn't feeling well. But when I suddenly realize the end might be nearer than I think, I start wondering why I didn't just suck it up and get less sleep, or leave work earlier or maybe that I wasn't sick and it would have been ok. People think I am nice and caring and giving. The reality is that I am selfish and I do what I want when I want to. And there were times when I could have done more and I didn't.

I want to be this better version of myself and so many times I fail. So very many. And I don't even really know what Ylaria's update even means because my brain can't process so many words but all I can think is that I didn't do enough for her while she was here in NY. And now she's going to Vermont or to California, I don't even know, and I am so incredibly sad. There's a chicken bone in my throat and I can't breathe. I feel so lost. I feel so nothing.

Congrats, Jennifer

My very amazing friend, Jennifer, is graduating from nursing school today. She was inspired to become a pediatric oncology nurse because of Christi.

While in high school, Jennifer started Kids Cancer Crusade, a nonprofit organization that helps children with cancer and their families. Jennifer sends care packages to the children, hosts amazing fundraising events and outings for the children and provides a vital network of support for families facing their worst nightmares. If you're looking for a worthy organization to contribute to, Kids Cancer Crusade is certainly worth it. Recently, I hand delivered a KCC package to Ylaria and the smile on her face was priceless.

In addition to her incredibly giving spirit and loving heart, Jennifer is one of my best friends. Jennifer, I honestly don't know without the daily texts, IMing, and girly gossip. Who else understands my OTH obsession?? All kidding aside, I can't tell you how much your friendship has meant to me since we were first "introduced" by Christi. You've helped keep my brother's spirit alive. And you were there to let me cry and remember on so many occasions. I'd be lost without you.

So, congratulations today. I know you'll be one of the most amazing pediatric oncology nurses. Ever.

Just stay clear of those Wal-Mart, psychos, k? (I'm working on my boxing skills, but I'd rather not have to use them.)

Until the next text,
Olivia

MAY!

OK, it's May. I am excited. Why? Several reasons.

1. May means Spring. I love Spring.

2. It's my birthday month!! I can't get into how I am going to be 27 in exactly a week. (Most of the time I still feel like I have the maturity of a 17 year old!) But I love birthdays. And what's a better birthday to honor than your very own!?!?!?!

3. May also holds loads of other awesome birthdays. Christi (May 12), Ylaria (May 14), Lisa (May 24) and Belen (May 29) to name but a few.

4. I am going to Shenandoah on my birthday weekend to spend a few days in the National Park with my awesome, amazing, wonderful friend C. We'll hike, horseback ride, eat cookies, read books and have a generally amazing time.

5. I am participating in a Mother's Day Run on Mother's Day with my mom and sisters to raise funds for babies in medical emergencies. A great cause, good workout and special time with my favorite girls.

That's all for now. More later. I promise! I hope you are doing well and enjoying the sunshine. The sky has been beautiful lately. Don't forget to stop and watch the clouds go by.