Saturday, May 8, 2010


I can't promise this update is going to make sense. I doubt it will because I started reading Ylaria's update and I got up to the part about the scans being worse and my brain stopped working. Completely. And right now I am in that space where I feel nothing and I think nothing.

Well, that's not entirely true. I have a confession. A really, really painful one. I feel guilt. And I think that I could have done more, but I didn't. Sometimes I was too tired or there was too much work or I wasn't feeling well. But when I suddenly realize the end might be nearer than I think, I start wondering why I didn't just suck it up and get less sleep, or leave work earlier or maybe that I wasn't sick and it would have been ok. People think I am nice and caring and giving. The reality is that I am selfish and I do what I want when I want to. And there were times when I could have done more and I didn't.

I want to be this better version of myself and so many times I fail. So very many. And I don't even really know what Ylaria's update even means because my brain can't process so many words but all I can think is that I didn't do enough for her while she was here in NY. And now she's going to Vermont or to California, I don't even know, and I am so incredibly sad. There's a chicken bone in my throat and I can't breathe. I feel so lost. I feel so nothing.


Anonymous said...

You did more than most people would. You stepped up and offered a caring, loving friendship when most would have walked away or turned the other way in order to not face any pain.
You have been their constant NY ally and opened your heart knowing that you would probably be hurt by letting in this beautiful little girl into your life.
you have been an angel to her! No one will think any less of you, so you shouldn't either. There was nothing you could do that you didn't.

Smell of the Sea said...

Olivia, I don't know you - but I have been very impressed for a long time by your personality as it comes across through this page. Your little friend Ylaria is, I'm sure, so grateful for what you have done for her - as you are for her presence in your life. I am sure that you have helped out in a way that this family never expected a stranger would. It's hard not to feel selfish when you are well, and someone else is sick, but you must live your life the full as it is a gift and you owe it to yourself. So - even the time you were not with her - you were making yourself a better person to be able to cope with the situation, a more well-rounded person who had the intelligent personality to be there wholly for her. Now live the moment without regrets so you can share wholly what is left of her journey.


christina said...

We will talk about this this weekend, I'm sure you realize. When I picture selfish people in my head, your face pops up only in the 'exact opposite of this is...' column. And the fact that you fear this? That it concerns you? That you see this in you and wish to change, to be better? Proves my point.

I love you and, for one, am So Very Very Happy to know you and know that if I needed you (for that matter, when I do need you) you'd be there. In a heartbeat.

Christina F. said...

I'm glad you took sometime for yourself. I've been thinking about you.