Well, that's not entirely true. I have a confession. A really, really painful one. I feel guilt. And I think that I could have done more, but I didn't. Sometimes I was too tired or there was too much work or I wasn't feeling well. But when I suddenly realize the end might be nearer than I think, I start wondering why I didn't just suck it up and get less sleep, or leave work earlier or maybe that I wasn't sick and it would have been ok. People think I am nice and caring and giving. The reality is that I am selfish and I do what I want when I want to. And there were times when I could have done more and I didn't.
I want to be this better version of myself and so many times I fail. So very many. And I don't even really know what Ylaria's update even means because my brain can't process so many words but all I can think is that I didn't do enough for her while she was here in NY. And now she's going to Vermont or to California, I don't even know, and I am so incredibly sad. There's a chicken bone in my throat and I can't breathe. I feel so lost. I feel so nothing.