Thursday, October 6, 2011

Last night I had a dream

I have been missing Ylaria a lot lately. She's been on my mind constantly. I remember her with Belen and share memories with Jennifer. I am grateful to those who let me say her name out loud. It's a great and necessary comfort.

When Ylaria first passed away, I kept having this dream where I would be looking for her endlessly until I would finally realize she was gone and then I would start to cry (in the dream). In the morning, I would wake up with tears in my eyes. Dreams can say so much sometimes. These dreams explained exactly how I felt. And, in a way, I still find myself doing this from time to time-- thinking Ylaria is somewhere else, or remembering her so clearly that she seems to be right in front of me-- until I remember she is gone and I have to find a quiet space to shed my tears.

I am not ashamed to admit I cry. Or to say here that I miss Ylaria so much sometimes I can't breathe. I lost my "little best friend" and my "little sister" (as I often called Ylaria) the day she flew away. There simply aren't words to explain the space Ylaria filled in my life and how much she meant-- and still means-- to me. I know she is still with me. But it's not the same. I grieve for my loss because it was a great one. Sadness isn't a "bad" thing. You miss someone because you love them. You mourn someone because your heart aches. You cry because you wake up to so many empty spaces. Empty spaces filled with beautiful memories, yes, but they are still empty of the physical being, the physical soul you long to hug, and to laugh with, and to share band aids with.To be with. Together.

 More recently, I had begun to ask Ylaria for a sign. It had been some time since she had visited my dreams and I missed "seeing" her there. I was beginning to think it may not happen and then last night I had a dream. I don't remember the specifics, but I can tell you that in a series of dreams, people were trying to hurt me, and chase me, and scare me. And the whole time I knew I would be ok because Ylaria was keeping me safe. 

I like to think that's how we work now. I was always her sidekick. Now Ylaria is doing her best to keep me out of trouble. It's a sign. I'll take it. And wait with hope and heart for the next one.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love having dreams with people I miss. It's like they're visiting me from Heaven and giving me a much needed hug:) Love you!