Saturday, May 23, 2009

When I was 11, I had a diary.

So, I am copying Kristen here. I found my first diary tonight and read through it. I started this diary in January of 1995, two months before Manny passed away.

 It struck me just how much his illness affected me then. I never really realized just how much it consumed me, worried me, impacted me. For some reason, I don't remember those feelings or those moments, not really.  

Today I can't help worrying because he (my brother) has leukemia and he is going in for a transplant. I don't want him to die, he is still young. He is 14. I pray every night for him but I just don't know anymore. But I still have faith that he will not die. I just know he will not let himself die. Never ever will he give up.

And now, as I re-read what I wrote 14 years ago, I just don't know what to think. I want to find the 11 year-old me and give her a big hug. And I want to tell her, that if it had been up to Manny, he never would have left. And he never, ever gave up. 

1 comment:

Kristen said...

That's such a heartfelt journal entry, for an 11 year old. It makes me wish I could hug your 11 year old self too (or your present self!)

It's strange how when you're younger, you don't really realize how much something is impacting you, or how it will affect you for likely the rest of your life. As children, we seem to absorb so much of the negativity or sadness, but at the time, it doesn't feel like it's affecting us. It's not until years down the road that we look back and say "wow, how did I survive that?"

I'm not sure what you believe in, or where you think Manny is now, but I like to think he's all around you, protecting you, and making sure that your spirits stay as high as his were (or so it sounds!) As I was writing this comment, I read your sidebar and when I read "the existence of God, and angels, and something bigger than myself and my world" my heart skipped a beat. I truly do believe that we all have angels watching over us.

We are so lucky!

Sending hugs-